Okay despite this new development right now I am still feeling really good about myself and surprisingly in control.
Given all the personal work I have done over the years I have no idea why it is surprising that I am feeling in control, but there you have it.
Right now I am also thinking there are at least 5 major things that have happened in the past 4 months since Beckie first said she wanted a divorce.
Even by itself, any single one of these things could potentially make all the difference in the world to our relationship, but for whatever reason I have not yet been unable to share with her.
So I'm just gonna bullet point them here for future reference, and know that I will still be able to tell her at some point in the future.
I do know I am no longer feeling afraid or insecure about the divorce actually going through, and to me that is a VERY good sign of the confidence and self-respect I am regaining.
Here's the facts I have seen that Beckie is not aware of:
1. I am now earning enough income where I can pay all of our monthly expenses myself and she never has to work again unless she really wants to. (She doesn't yet know I am earning that much money, though she recently said it wouldn't make a difference if I was).
2. Our counselor has helped me identify and transcend the debilitating beliefs about my self-worth that were not only affecting my ability to satisfy my wife in the ways that she desired, it had affected every relationship that I had ever been in with every other woman, too. With that out of the way, I am free to be me, and to naturally be an even more passionate and attentive lover like she has always wanted me to be.
3. The divorce cry was a massive wake-up call for me.
4. We have both increased our levels of confidence in ourselves and are both holding higher standards, too.
5. The whole fiasco with customs and immigration and has helped make me a lot more caring and responsible about the things that matter most.
6. I have realized it is not that we don't fit togwther or that we cannot come together, the problem has been that we have both been UNWILLING to work together.
7. I have become a cutely aware that sometimes she's insecure and I am stubborn, sometimes I'm insecure and she is stubborn. And awareness can be curative.
8. I have realized how much I truly love and adore her.
9. I have learned a lot about respecting her feelings, hearing her desires, and trusting her intuition.
10. I am feeling much better about myself, and wow, once again surprisingly, somehow even more "in love" with her.
How that can be I really have no idea, I just know it's how I feel. I truly want her to be happy, and I know that she must do this in order to be truly happy and at peace within herself.
I have control.
I know I am her man.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
