The other day the W told me that when she is ready to discuss R she will tell me. After the movie I was not going to push her to discuss it. It was late, she had to get up with the kids in the morning so I thanked her and left it at that. I made the joke cause that is one of the things that attracted her to me in the past (humor). I wanted her to be at ease, I'm sure it was a difficult decision to ask me to watch it with her.
As for the retreat, I tried to get W to one in our area in Feb and March. She made it clear at that time she was not ready. There is one again in August and I hope to attend that one.
As hard as it has been to try and stay grounded over this last week, I can't but think things are going in the right direction. I have to try and not push her. That's why I didn't try and force her to discuss us or movie last night.
Now I understand. Yes, if that was a joke, and she took it that way, there's nothing wrong with your comment. Sounds like you know your wife pretty well.
The last two days have been difficult for me. After being asked to watch the movie with her on Thursday night, I have had to calm and slow myself down cause I'm ready to go home and start building a new R with my W and family.
She has the kids this weekend so I have keeping myself busy with family and work but I continue to anticipate the next move by her and so far it isn't happening.
One of the many things that I have developed through this is a stronger belief and bond in my faith. Since I have been out of the house I have ben wanting to attend mass as a family. I have made it clear to the W that I would like this but so far she has been against it. After watching that movie, I am determined to not give up on my M and will ask again tonight about mass tomorrow.
Sunday I got a call from the W asking if I wanted to go to the movies with her and kids. We all went and saw movie and afterwards went to the mall to get ice cream. At the mall I let the wife do some shopping while I took kids to play ground. We had to leave cause S3 needed his diaper changed and so we all went back to the house. I changed S3 and gave him a bath and played a board game with the other two kids while W relaxed on couch. (She has a cold).
Kids start to say they are hungry and I offer to make dinner for them. W says ok and I make family dinner for first time in 2 1/2 months. (I did 90 percent of cooking for the last few years of M). While dinner is cooking, I start to clean up kitchen and W joins me and asks me if I want to talk about movie (Fireproof) we watched on Thursday.
She tells me that she hadn't seen the movie before but says she knew what it was about. She said she wanted to talk that night but it was late and she was tired. She tells me that the movie had a lot to do with us and that she liked they way the movie told of saving your marriage. When she ask me what I thought, I explained to her my personal feelings on how my faith has strengthened and how I plan on living my life through God. She says that she is happy that I feel that way cause she always felt she was a nice person but wanted to have a better R with God and wants to have someone to do that with. I told her that if we did reconcile, then that would be a part of our new M. She said that she would like that.
The convo then turns more R and she tells me that she didn't like who she was married to and didn't like the way I made her feel. I validated that by agreeing with her that it wasn't fair for her to have to become somebody she didn't like because of my faults. She says that she feels selfish cause she has be thinking of herself since the bomb and I tell her that she has a right to be that way because I caused her so much turmoil for these last few years. She tells me that she has almost forgiven me for the things I have done to contribute to the downfall of the M and that in the past this has been the hardest obstacle to over come. I thank her for telling me these things and again say I'm sorry for my part in this. We talk some more about other things in the R, seeing a certified M counselor, where we are about me coming home (I'm ready, she not) and that we enjoy spending time together. At one point I ask her "I don't think I ever asked what you want for your perfect M, what do you want with us together?"
"This. What we did today is what I want."
We eat dinner and sit down to watch a tv show before they take me home. While watching tv, W and I sit in the same chair and cuddle. Felt great.
So I got kids tonight and we have dance/dinner tomorrow. We also have plans for a night out for the two of us this saturday. She doesn't know where we are going but I'm taking her to a five star restaurant downtown, followed by some dancing at a bar that she loves. I think we are headed in right direction, my next question would be do I keep things the same or try and reel her in with quality time between us with signs of love/affection peppered in?
do I keep things the same or try and reel her in with quality time between us with signs of love/affection peppered in?
I think you need to let her lead with the R for now. If she invites you on a date with her, or if she begins to give you some affection, then you'll know she's getting to a better place. Since she's not ready to move back just yet, I think you need to be careful about pursuing. Take it slow and easy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yesterday I had our taxes done and went to my house to have W sign her portion of paperwork. Her and kids were just sitting down to dinner and I was asked to join. We ate outside and while we were eating her cell phone rang inside. I asked her if she wanted me to get it and she said no. We continued our meal and while I was inside getting kids stuff her phone made the voice mail ring. I said who ever it was left a VM, she said what number called? I checked and it was a number that was not programmed into her phone. I read the number off and she said that she didn't know that number but she thinks she called somebody today at work and asked to be called back but can't remember who??? I left it at that.
We finished dinner, cleaned up and the night rolled into me helping with baths, putting kids to bed and me helping W tagging a bunch of stuff for a rummage sale she has this weekend. I left around 10pm. We have plans for a dinner out this Sat and plans for a spring break outing with kids next week.
My ?, Should I be worried about the phone call? It seemed like she was being very vague about it and last night after I left I couldn't get it out of my head. I have had no reason to every ? Her in the past but I wondering if I should do anything about this.
The past 2 weeks have seen a big change in our sitch. From me chasing her, her telling me she wants nothing to do with me, me backing off, he asking for plans and time with me, us doing things as family and couple, small physical contact and future plans. Am I making something out of this or should I be concerned?
My ?, Should I be worried about the phone call? It seemed like she was being very vague about it and last night after I left I couldn't get it out of my head. I have had no reason to every ? Her in the past but I wondering if I should do anything about this.
What would you do about it?
Hank,
We all have demons about this, we all wonder/ed what that phone call was, who is she talking to.
But buddy, she got a phone call from a number you weren't familar with, and not attached to her phone.
Your fears...we fear the unknown. But don't turn them into monsters. Don't let that fear dominate you, or drive you to act irrationally.
Because
Quote:
I asked her if she wanted me to get it and she said no.
That right there was your undoing. You wanted to know who was calling your wife, and it f-ed up the rest of your night.
You didn't know, hell man the reality is it happens, it happens to you right sometimes someone calls and you don't know them on your phone.
I'm not saying bury your head in the sand, I am saying in this case, this is not proof of anything.
Now...
If you start seeing that number more, more than a few times? And I'm betting $20 that you memorized that number, then you might have a cause.
But right now? Paranoia will not look good on you.
and sadly...if she is talking to someone?
It will more than likely be in her phones memory.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
