update on my sitch II

[what next?]

a couple of things have happened in my sitch over the past week and i wanted to post to get some input from you guys...

last sunday i went to my (ex) wife's house to get some stuff out of the garage that was mine. one thing that i wanted to do while i was there was acknowledge something that i did in the past and apologize for it. that thing in this case was back in the day when my wife would forward me emails i would complain about getting "spam" and tell her to stop... obviously that was rude of me and the fact that she cared enough to think of me during the day and send me something she thought i would be interested in was not exactly a good reason to take a dump on her lol

so at the end of my visit i stopped and said "one thing that i wanted to say is that i am really sorry for all of the crap that i gave you about sending me forwards on email" she smiled and nodded. then i said, "so would appreciate it that if you see something you think i would be interested in, if you would, send it to me" ...when i said this she instantly teared up and was about to really cry so i just said "let me know if there is anything i can do for you" and left because i didn't want to seem like i was manipulating the moment.

then today my wife had lunch with my sister. my wife invited her because it was my sister's birthday this week and my wife did the standard "everything is great" act and talked about her future (which had nothing to do with me). overall my sister was pretty pessimistic about my chances but i don't think that she understands the process that the WAW goes through. i still have hope and i think that the emotion that my wife showed on sunday means that everything isn't quite as perfect for her as she would lead everyone to believe.

my goal now is to keep contact going... she has been emailing me pretty much everyday (even though it's mostly logistical stuff about the divorce) but that stuff is about to be over so we'll see what happens next.

would appreciate anyone's thoughts... i'm trying real hard not to mind read but feel free to do so! lol

[MrBond]

"let me know if there is anything i can do for you" and left because i didn't want to seem like i was manipulating the moment.

You knew what you were doing. You were manipulating the moment.

"my wife did the standard "everything is great" act"

This shows you haven't learned anything so far. It's not an act. You've been waiting for her to "wake up", or are saying to yourself, "She'll be miserable without me, she'll see". But so far nothing has shown anything to the contrary.

What have you been doing with yourself? Stop concentrating on her life and think about yours.

[what next?]

I wasn't trying to manipulate the moment. I didn't expect her to start crying as soon as I tried to apologize... when she did then I left so that it wouldn't look like I was taking advantage of her in a moment of weakness. I'm not sure how apologizing and trying to validate things that she had a problem with = me manipulating her.

I don't think that she will be "miserable without me." I think that she was miserable and blamed me for that out of proportion for what was actually my part in her unhappiness. I believe that after the dust settles she will find herself still unhappy. I don't know if she will come back to me or not but I am confident that her acting like everything is GREAT! now is just that, an act.

She did start to cry as soon as I asked her to send me things she thought I would be interested in. That does tell me something. It tells me that the emotion is very raw for her right now and she is not as perfect as she would like me to believe.

I am working on myself everyday... I can do that on my own. I come here to get help from people from an outside perspective.

[whyme2]

We all want hope.......that things will be better. If you still love her, you always hope.....do not let others on here be insensitive to your emotions....but be realistic about your expectations with her.....but never loose hope.

Hope all works out for the best!!!!

[what next?]

Thanks, I think that she is starting to open back up to me. Maybe because she thinks that it's all over, I don't know and I'm not going to get into mind reading... I'm just happy that she is.

[FellOnBlackDays]

I am happy she is too, What. Remember, when you DB, you have to probe and then observe. If it works, keep doing it. If it doesn't, get out of there and regroup. Sounds like this might be working for you right now.

Hang in there!

FOBD

[MrBond]

"I am working on myself everyday"

Such as? Have you found a job yet?

I do believe there's hope in everyone's sitches. However, it's important to detach and not necessarily "wait" while the WAS is deciding what to do.

Let's put it this way. DB mentions that you write down a list of small goals that you want to achieve and see what steps you can do to make them happen. Have you done that? So far, you've kind of let your W do the driving and you're waiting.

So far all I've heard is your W talking to you about D matters. Does she talk about anything else? Have you tried talking to her about anything else?

[what next?]

I haven't found a job yet but I have had two interviews in the past few weeks and the market here seems to be opening up. I have decided for sure not to move out of town.

Yeah, I've made a real effort to open up a dialog with her. I started trying to ask questions at the end of emails to keep the conversation light and off the topic of D related matters. I asked how she was doing and she replied "Good!" lol so I knew that I had to change that up...

next I asked her if they had hired someone at work to help her out because she was working ridiculous hours over about the last 18 months of our marriage... she said that it had and that the extra time was really helping her. I told her that that was great and that she deserved some time off for working so hard and that I was glad to hear that she had it.

Last week I started talking to her about wine which she always enjoyed but I never did. When we were still living together (but after the bomb) she had made a comment one night when we were talking about wine that "if we don't get divorced we could take a wine tasting class together" it was obvious that she didn't mean to say it like that and it was a pretty awkward moment lol. But talking about wine has actually been pretty productive over the past week or so and she has opened up quite a bit (in terms of lengths of emails)

she is contacting me almost every day pretty much. I have been putting off replying when i can (which is most of the time) and am even considering going dark for a few days just to be less available to her. over all i think that it is going well.

[grr]

if it is working for you, keep it up
what works for one does not always work for the other

you know your wife better than anyone

good for you if she is opening up

if you are being less available, then what do you hope to do by going dark?

[MrBond]

What has she been contacting you about?