"This business of basing marriage much on "attraction" leaves me confounded."
And to me this is an important thing to "understand". We all have to be "attractive" to the "other". When we question why we are not.. we set ourselves up to fail. I am not 100% sure I really get it all FB2..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"She still denies it. And you have proof. Concrete proof?"
"Concrete" that is 10" thick.. no. 5".. yes. Yes, still says it "never" happened.
The "Never" happened is what I have an issue with. How do I get over that simple thought of.. "it" did? To me it would be so much simpler if she just said.. "Yes I did.. What now?"
Yes, she would have to answer questions. They may be uncomfortable. But.. if she still says "No" this is working on a deal breaker for me.
"I want to know Forrest, when you 'busted' the divorce what did you do?"
The things I post about here Jack. I became more attractive. I dropped the rope and said if she wants out.. let her go. The choices she was making were very clearly not something that would "fulfill" her desires. I took the approach of.. If I am that "bad" she deserves something better. I researched my options for a D. I had papers written up. I looked for things that I was doing wrong. And I stopped doing those things. It was not rocket science.
"When the divorce stopped, what happened?"
Well.. looking back.. things went to poop. On the surface of it.. I stopped being the person that I described above. I became the person that I am describing now. I just can't really define where I went wrong. I don't understand the "emotional" side of things. This is very likely the reason women here respond to my posts. They "hear" the other side. My goal was not to hurt her.. but my inaction implied that. What is confusing is that my inaction was received well when we were not together. I am not.. in RL or "Here" an emotional or verbal person. I can apply "Emotion" here simply because it comes to me in a format I can digest. RL.. not so much.
"Ultimately, you know as well as any old timer here that if a poster has to be drug kicking and screaming to advice or help it's an exercise in futility, in almost every case."
I don't think I am kicking or screaming. I assure you that your efforts are not futile. In saying that.. I am not your typical newbie. I know the basics. I am looking for the "Advanced Training". Again.. to be clear.. I am still at home. I am still married. I have not made any plans that would move me away. I am on the fence. Or, one foot out the door. Expect I will weigh the options.
"When the LBS has nothing to give anymore. You know that. When you choose to stop it."
I am still posting.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"I do believe that where you are now, you feel hopeless.. You either fight THAT or you just give up"
I am not "hopeless". But your words kinda hit home. I would say I am at the point you were not that long ago where I need to "see" something. I need something to grab hold of.. and "work" off of.
I know I am not "crazy" and my ideas are not that "alien". I just can't pick out the times to point that out very well.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"Put a timeline on the sex, set boundaries, and lovingly tell your W that this is what you need and you hope it will be with her, but if it isn't you have to do what is best for you."
I will not put a timeline on sex. It is not fair.. or reasonable. Sex is something you choose to do with someone of your choosing. This to me is a HUGE indicator of "LOVE". I don't expect it.. I don't have to have it. When it happens.. it means so much more to me. How would that be any different than you asking me to tell you that you are pretty? Or that you mean the world to me and I would take a "grenade" for you? The choice of you choosing "sex" has so much more meaning.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
But things have taken a turn towards the better. We are talking.
I take things for granted. I assume you know the basics. When the basics get thrown out the window.. I get Emotional. I will point out that you can "see" that aspect here!
We have been thru 2(?) C sessions at this point. Tonight was one of the better ones.
We have talked about the things that need to change at home. Mostly that the kids are the way to her heart. But.. at the same time she has relied on the kids.. to prop her "love" up.
I am lacking in the kids area. I don't devote the time that she "needs" to see. Honestly it was not intentional and to a point I felt excluded.
We have agreed at this point that if she has info on the kids.. she fills me in. If I get info on the kids.. I fill her in. So far this has worked well. Built a bit of a connection.
We talked about what we want from one another.. and if our goals are the same. I just want the family to be happy. She has a list that is a mile long that I could not even describe to you clearly. So the change she has to make is to focus on 1 thing. I heard that she is willing to do that. This will help me a lot.
We talked tonight about trust. That was weird to me. The only time I do not trust her is when we are "here". Any other time I have no trust issues. I feel I have to say that I did "hack" her cell phone account. It was not smart. And did not go over well.
I told the C that I have 1 foot out the door.. and am preparing myself for what may come. He encouraged me to make an effort. I told him.. and I am telling you.. I am. There is a reason I am going to C. There is a reason I am posting.
I chose this.. whether I meant to or not.
My choice is to see this thru.
D or happily "married".
My life.. is just crazy right now. Work.. Kids.. "This".. I just can't find it in me to post like I used too.
I still like the fact that you are still checking on me. And.. I appreciate it.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I missed you Forest. I thought things were pretty difficult for you, and I was concerned. Glad to see you're still here, still working on you. I wish you all the best, and it's good to see you feel and are making progress.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
