Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Couples therapy update. Another session with no agenda from either side, so it ended up very positive. I find these the most productive, because we are not hammering out something logistical.

W said she has continued to notice all of the change in me but wonders if it will be short lived if we ended up back together. I am glad to hear her thinking this way. To me, it means that the return is a possibility. Told my W that the change is to better myself for me. I told her that this process has really opened my eyes, and I continue to grow through it.

W also concerned that we have not argued or fought like we used to in months. She actually said that she is worried that I am listening to her and validating her thoughts. She thinks that it may be because I am avoiding the conflict and it is not real. I told her how I used to think that my logical answer to matters was always the right answer, but I have discovered that her opinion matters. It is important for me to put her on equal ground and have say in the matters regardless of what I think is the correct way. My "right way" is just an opinion, and I am learning that her opinions are just as important. Through active listening and validation, I am picking up what is important to my W. It is not that I am avoiding conflict. I am understanding what is really important to her and allowing the outcome. Just another 180.

Our couples therapist must be a DB vet, because she was about to fall out of her chair. Every concern my W had, our therapist backed the approach I was taking to her. Therapist told W to pay close attention to the changes that are in the present. As time goes by, W will recognize if they are real and long lasting.

I explained to my W that our old marriage is dead. If we end up deciding to reconcile, it will be a new marriage. Both of us are going through so many changes and learning so much about each other, that the results would be greatly different than what we had before. Therapist agreed and said that if that time does come, we should really start slowly to a point where we are almost dating again. My thoughts exactly and something that I have learned here as well.

As my W is going through her self discovery, I am also going through mine. It has only been in the last few weeks that I have really begun to figure out what DBing is all about.

The DR book and this community have really provided me with an amazing insight and support into this situation. No matter the outcome of my W's self discovery concerning her sexual orientation and future of our M, I know that I will be a better person in the end.