Have I had an emotional break through? Today was a day like no other in the last 3 months. Zero desire to contact him. I didn't take my phone with me to lunch (just in case he called) stayed off of Face Book to see if he was up to "something" Didn't stop at the store for dinner. The calmness is scary. I did think about the situation, but only half of the time. I actually got work done at work today. Whew...any advice for tonight when he gets home???
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
I just spent a few hours reading the Archives-Advice From Wise DB'ers. I hope everyone has already read that section. It made me feel like a GIANT weight has been lifted from gut.
I wasn't even aware of that section, thanks for the heads up!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
feeling much better today. H wants to refi the house. I told him I won't qualify on my own. Not sure what to make of that. I think it is an unwise plan at this stage.
W wants me to refi the house also. It sits on a small piece of the old family farm, 4 generations. We built much of it ourselves. The kids want to inherit it. Mom is very sad.
What makes the most sense for me is to sell it and split any profit with W. This was a hard decision, but I am at peace with it.
You need to do what make the best sense for you. Don’t let sentiment get in the way of protecting yourself.
Thanks for the suggestion about the archives.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
He wants to refi in both our names on a 15 year "to pay it off faster" WTF ever. I am in no position to make any decisions.
On a side note: I set ONE daily goal. Today was to just vaccummn my bedroom. I did my usual unhealthy inventory and I did notice something. It "seems" I could be very wrong, that H has hung up some shirts he backed 3 weeks ago. I dunno, could be nothing and probably is. I feel so good today that I finally let go, for today, that hold I had on him.
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
I am having a bad day. The good memories have flooded back along with some of the things H said to me the last time we had a R talk 2 weeks ago (he is crying)
Husband talking:
"I know if I take my rented room off of the table, you will go back to your old ways"
"We tried this before and here we are again"
"I don't want you to be alone"
"I don't want to have to start over either"
" I have noticed all of the changes and effort that you have made. I know I haven't returned any of it"
"I have wasted a lot of money"
"I should move and see if we can start over"
" Your old boyfriend told me you would change"
"You have your head in the sand about your daughter"
"I hated to come home"
"I do love you, but" (then nothing)
"I don't know what to do"
I am sure there is more, but that's what I remember now. I would love some feedback and some new strategies.
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
There is no "new" strategy you need. You just need to stick to the old one. Detach and live your life. Get off of HIS rollercoaster. As hard as it is to do so, that's what you need.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
VerySad, until you can stop allowing "him" (his moood swings, his words, his actions)to affect your outlook and how you determind what your day be will like, it will do no good to suggest new strategies. As Bond said, you have to learn to master the basic techniques first.
You are so dependency upon your H dictates your life and it just should not be like that. It is unhealthy. You need to lay that emotional rope down and move forward with living.
Do you like your changes? Do you like the woman you are right now? Can you be happy with her? You see, this should be all about you....not all about him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I do love your advice. I do think I have "started" to detach/baby steps. I do like who I am, who wouldn't? I made three small goals when this all started: Make the bed every morning before I leave for work, stop doing ANY of his laundry (I do hang it over the banister if I need the machines) and cook dinner nightly. 11 weeks and they are habits now.
I have a life outside of the marriage. THAT WAS THE PROBLEM. He felt ignored all the time. I did that.
After 11 weeks of this crap, I am getting up in the AM and calling my daughter to see if they will be around. Hopefully, I can go visit for a few hours. When I get ready to leave the house for the day, what do I say? Do I tell him where I am going? Do I remain vague?
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
I see where my thought and sentence structure didn't come out on paper very well.... Maybe you made a little sense of it.
I can appreciate making a daily goal of some house chore, b/c I have been in that "place" in my life. Not doing certain things around the house made me feel bad about myself. The result of feeling bad about myself would come through in my attitude toward my family. Not a good thing.
Even though I believe those things are very important, I also believe the inner work to build your self-esteem is the most important of all.
I understand that you might be hesitant to GAL when it took you away from H in the past. However, things have changed now. Even though you are tempted to do what you might should have done in the past.....you can't stay at home, glued to his side now b/c it turns him off. See what I mean? Yes, he didn't like you gone all the time before b/c you over-killed GAL and didn't have balance in job, GAL, and being home.
Quote:
When I get ready to leave the house for the day, what do I say? Do I tell him where I am going? Do I remain vague?
If it were me, I'd just tell him (as I head for the door), "I'm going out...see you later". If he should ask where or any other details, I'd shrug and say..."Haven't decided yet." (Showing an upbeat mysterious smile) Being vague should spark a little interest. Maybe not in the beginning, but as you continue to go out, it should.
Visiting your D is fine, but to him...it would be considered a "safe place". But, the fact that you didn't invite him along will be something. It's important to show that you are upbeat.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe you made a little sense of it.