Cas, thanks for your feedback about flirting with an MLC male.
Well..........I chatted with Jody yesterday. I’m sharing the notes from our session because they may be of help to others out there.
I started out by asking Jody how XH’s mother’s poor prognosis impacts my DBing. I had stepped up my flirting last fall, before his mother’s health declined. Jody said that XH doesn’t’ have the emotional reserves to deal with our R or any romantic R now. I need to make sure that I’m doing things primarily for my R with his mother, and not because of my R with him. She said that a friendly, supportive thing to do would be to provide respite for a best friend and that I should do the same kinds of things for XH that I would do for a best friend.
I told Jody that XH has not been angry with me for some time, even when I’ve done things that a normal person might be irritated about (e.g. borrowing and not returning his ladder for 6 months), but instead seems to be directing his anger at his sister. I told her that I have been going “above and beyond” in my thoughtful gestures to XH and his mother. We talked about how I had probably been building my “love bank” (ala Gary Chapman) with XH by doing these thoughtful things. Jody said that when we keep the emotional balance in our R’s tipped on the positive side, then we have a little leeway (a margin) to be spent on little glitches that don’t max out the R. She said evidently XH feels that I have a good credit reserve. I’ve paid it forward. If I look at it from that perspective it may help me to feel not so taken advantage of.
Regarding XH’s vacay to Mexico, I asked her if I am allowed to ask who he is going with? She said that instead of asking who he’s going with, ask a more generic question like “Tell me about your trip. What are you planning to do? Are you excited about it?” If he’s going to feel comfortable about giving me details, he will.
Regarding the evening that XH changed pants in front of me she said THAT was a significant step and it acknowledges the past nature of our R, and indicates that that is “in bounds” with our present R. Jody recommended flirting verbally --- establishing some banter. She said to make our interaction not so $exual in nature. With flirting you should make someone feel more vital, more attractive, and more competent than they were feeling before they spent time with you. It might be something like saying, “Clearly your mother so enjoyed what you did for her today” and then looking in his eyes and saying “She’s really fortunate to have you”. Look in his eyes and say “Thanks for letting me be part of this” and then walk away. When I do something like this XH is left thinking about how he feels about himself. I will have left him feeling good and he will associate me with feeling that way. This reminded me of something Jody had told me earlier: MLC men will want to be with someone who makes them feel good about themselves….someone who makes them feel big.
Because XH is in MLC she doesn’t recommend $exual flirting. During MLC, men’s hormones are changing and so their libido is reduced…..and in XH’s situation, his grief over his mother’s impending passing will negatively impact his libido too. I got the sense (although Jody didn’t say this directly) that she might make a slightly different suggestion if the MLC H is not middle-aged. This perspective made a lot of sense to me.
The advantage of not being $exual is that I won’t be disappointed at the outcome. He won’t feel pressured. If you provide more of a variety of contact there will be a greater chance that XH will respond to at least some of it. Sometimes overtly $exual flirting can feel like you’re trying to exert power over that person. It makes them feel vulnerable. Experiment with various approaches. Try to figure out what creates a connection or a bond. Those things will probably fluctuate over time too so don’t expect the same things to work all of the time. Sometimes we’re horny and sometimes we’re not. It might not have anything to do with the R.
Emphasize FUN. Ask XH “Do you want to get out and do something to unwind?” Use words like “unwind” and “have fun”, rather than “de-stress” because words like “de-stress” have negative clinical connotations.
She said to look for evidence of developing auxiliary connections in our R, like collateral circulation in coronary arteries. These may not be the one precise end result that I think I am seeking right now, but the convergence of these connections may collectively lead to the end result I am looking for. Look at and try to figure out what kinds of energy have been creating new auxiliary connections with XH (e.g. less defensiveness, more honest communication).
Jody compared the place where I am with XH now as being at a slot machine that I have spent a LOT of time putting quarters into. She said “Wouldn’t you feel terrible if you decided to give up and some other woman came along and got to be with the new XH that has been emerging? She said, “Stay to the end of the book. I think there’s a few more chapters.”
