It's Time To Rock; Part I

[♪CS♪]

I can't believe I am letting it get to me. I am in a bad f'n mood.

I will certainly not respond and hopefully she gets the hint. If not, I will see what I can do as far as blocking her number. Maybe I should add the W's number to that list while I am at it...

[MrBond]

While I understand how frustrating this is, see things from the OMW's perspective.

She has this H who runs around her back and pretty much has manipulated two women. When we were all first hit with the realization of our spouse's A's, we all "lost it" on some level.

She had probably gone through as much crap as we all have. You were lucky enough to discover DB to help. She might not have gotten any help or support on her end. So while she may not be acting in her right state of mind, a little compassion is in order.

Also, keep in mind that not all spouses of an A partner are "crazy". I have a number of friends who had the problem of infidelity come up and when they brought it up to the AP's spouse, they were thankful for the honesty.

Don't make blanket statements because it may not have worked in your sitch. Not everyone's the same.

And anyway, I usually advocate confronting the OP directly. Their spouses are going through as much pain and helplessness as we are. Why add to it.

[♪CS♪]

I understand Bond, and TBH I do keep a level of compassion for her. I of course understand how much she is hurting. The last thing I told her when we were communicating was telling her about DB’ing and the path I was trying to put myself on. One of betterment and not of anger. Unfortunately she did not listen. And then it got worse. I have mentioned the calls she has made to my W.

Again, I understand her pain more than anyone, but I can not agree with how she is handling it, and I just simply want no part of it. It is not healthy for me, and it does not promote the path I want to be on. She will need to find support elsewhere; I cannot give it to her.

[MrBond]

And you don't need to give it to her. Just a little understanding goes a long way. I've seen some DB'ers on here that have acted a little "crazy" but everyone reacts differently to their sitch.

Keep it up.

[♪CS♪]

I just had my 3rd coaching session so I thought I would journal it a bit.

It has been a few weeks so I spent some time getting her caught up on my sitch. I told her about the walk we had a few weeks ago, the Jamba Juice she brought me, and the things she did for my BDay. I also mentioned that I had been seeing another W. No surprise, she did not think it was a good idea. I know it as well, I just need to end it already….

Anyways, she did again emphasize the time aspect of all of this. She reminded me how short of time 2.5 months is in my situation (W having A). She reminded me time is my best friend, and she is encouraged by my W’s behavior and the fact that she has still not filed for D. I questioned my current technique with her a lot. One thing she really emphasizes is being unpredictable and the willingness to try things, and take risks if they are genuine. I realize that I have not really taken any risks; I have been pretty status quo in my technique. She still does not recommend a fully dark approach, rather, as noted above, stay unpredictable. Don’t always be there for her, but don’t disappear completely either. I have been trying to do that, but a reminder is always nice. So, I think I will continue to reply to some of her messages, but definitely not all of them. She had a great analogy here about a puppy vs. a cat. Be like the cat!

She gave me a great letter template to make an apology to my W for what I did wrong in our M. I like it a lot and will work on it in the coming days. She noted that the big thing here is timing. She doesn’t think right now is it, but perhaps if she does end up bring up D, it might be a good time. I joked, “Hopefully I will never need it.”

I’ll just bullet some things out so I remember them:

• My W is very confused. This is why she continues to find excuses to contact me and has not filed for D.
• I need to stay unpredictable and not always be there for her.
• I need to take calculated risks in my approach.
• I need to remember that I know my W better than anyone and to use that knowledge to my benefit.
• I need to remain patient. Without creating expectations, she noted that a 6-9 month timetable is more realistic in my situation to see a difference in W. I am a long way off from that.
• Remember that if I do take risks, they cannot come across in any way as an attempt to change her mind.
• Friendship is the best bedrock for a R.

I already feel like I am forgetting things…

[sandi2]

Shouldn't "respect" fall in there somewhere?

[♪CS♪]

It's the day after St. Pattys day, so I have a case of the stupids. Can you elaborate Sandi?

W texted requesting a pic of D. She just dropped her of at day care 3hrs ago. Here's a hint. She looks the same.

[♪CS♪]

Sorry guys. I just have to vent and let you know the silliness I am dealing with here. If it wasn't so tragic it would be comical. So like I said, literally 3 hrs after she drops her off at daycare she requests a pic. I ignore it. An hour later she asks if D is ok. Now see she asks about D's saftey. Which is a complete joke. She knows she's fine. Anyways I wait 30min and say "she's great. In good hands...". I'm trying to say, don't worry. She's ok, no need to check in every hour.

So then right after my reply I get:
" Send pics if u can! I miss her already."

Really? Wtf. Here's another hint. That's what happens when you leave your family.

If you can't tell, I'm still in a bit of a mood today.

[♪CS♪]

Ok, instant update. While I was writing that I got two calls from a number I did not recognize to I sent them to VM. Just listened. It was W calling from work #. "hi. It's me. Just wanted to check in on D. Haven't gotten my break yet"

Something is weird here...

[ninelives]

Man your wife must have short term memory loss. Requesting pics of your daughter so often must get annoying for you. Like you mentioned at one point. She doesnt change her appearance that often.

I like the comment about if she didnt break up the family, she would know what she looks like, or something like that.

Chin Up Country,
Some day, this will all be behind us and we will laugh again.

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