Thanks Scylla...I have to remember that to be anything in the future, we have to be friends again first. It's just so hard to hear her say friends knowing at this point, that is all she would want.
Work on yourself Brian. Don't worry about what the future holds now. Concentrate on the here and now and what I need to do to make myself better.
I would almost go for no contact at all with her so I don't get little things like that said to me.
Brian, My STXH has said the same thing to me. Before I got on this new journey, I was like I don't want to be friends I want to be your W. Now I see it in a totally different perspective...
The truth is that in order for you to start at point A to get to Point B. And Point A IS having that foundation of starting out as friends, building trust etc. again. Back down to the bare bones. Is it fair? Does it stink? Yes and yes!! BUT...without it happening this way, it's only going to produce more of the same which is NOT what we want or have worked so hard for.
You are allowed to be emotional about it and you should be. It will only help you get to the other side. Now rally back and ask yourself if the D is going to define who YOU are, is the Seperation going to define who YOU are. Is this the hill you are going to die on?
Get back on track and start re-reading your DR book. Read it over and over and over and over...get what I mean? I have read the book at least a dozen times. It offers alot of enlightenment when you feel that hope is disintegrating.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Zen and Scylla...Thank you so much for the encouragement. I know this needs to happen. You are so right about starting from scratch and building a STRONG foundation. I hope she lets me know when she wants to be friends...I am on her timeline for that. It will give me time to ingrain the changes I have made for myself.
Brian, breathe. Change your scenery. I know this is hard. I have received those papers also. You don’t have to look at them now. Give yourself time to calm down and center yourself. In my state we have thirty days to respond. Is this from your L or hers?
Someone posted in my thread these papers are only step 2 out of 100. The remaining 98 steps will take time. You have time, time to DB time become better. This is not over until you are ready for it to be over.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
These are from her lawyers. We are letting him draw them up then I am having a lawyer review them. It was just hard to read it.
I did text my W as I was going home to make sure she wasn't at the house so we wouldn't run into each other. I was pretty short in my texts which caused me to think she might take it the wrong way. So I text her back later on apologizing if they seemed insensitive. I told her that I wasn't mad at her and I didn't hate her...That I just didn't want her to feel uncomfortable if I came home and she was there. She responded by saying that it was ok and she was glad I said that to her. The texts did come across as mean. That made me feel better.
I had some friends come over last night. I rarely drink but thought it was a good night to. So after a bottle of scotch and some 151, I was feeling pretty good. I text my W at midnight telling her that I paid off one of the vehicles and when one of her ex husbands could have it back to me. She responded with whenever you want it...Dude, I was asleep, it's late. I apologized again and after a few more texts, I went to bed. She text me at 8:15 this morning telling me she was going to get me back for last night...the dog didn't go back to sleep for a few hours. I apologized again and lightheartedly told her I thought she would still be up. She said she went to bed at 930 and was sleeping good turdface. (turdface was a term of endearment she would say to me). We text back and forth for a bit about her having a slumber party tonight with all of her girlfriends and some other things. I thought I should end the conversation so I told her I was going to take a shower and hope she had a wonderful day.
I spent the afternoon with her daughter buying her a comforter set for the bed that just came in today (it looks awesome). We went to lunch (and I think I might have gotten her a job). I left my phone in the car and when we were done, it showed my W had tried to call me and text me. She just wanted me to know she paid of the lowes card I got her so she could get her washer and dryer. Now...why does she need to call and tell me that? Eh..I think my apologizing to her and telling her I wasn't mad or hated her really paid off. I am going dark again and will let her make all the contact.
When I did take my shower today, I started thinking. She has left quite a bit of things over here. She still has just a few outfits in her closet, 2 toothbrushes (one of which she carried with her in her bag when she would leave the house), odds and ends, and the most surprising thing is a full bottle of summer's eve, feminine wash, in the shower (you ladies know what it is). Why would she leave that stuff here? I was having fun thinking that maybe she is leaving it here because she intends to use those items sometimes! Now, I am not kidding myself and actually believing it, but it was fun to speculate!
Had an interesting talk with my best friend last night...We went to the movies then had some drinks. He is alsoreally good friends of my W too (sheintroduced me to him as they work together). He turned to me last night and said, man,I am good friends with both of you but you are my boy. I have to ask a question. He asked me why I love my W. That was an easy question as I ask myself that all the time. I rattled off many reasons for the next 10 minutes. He then asked if things don't turn out the way I want them with her, would I still want this change that I am working on. I told him YES...The change is for me. I hate being the man I was (which wasn't much of a man at all). I want this change desperately as I don't ever want to feel that way I did. HE told me that was good. HE then started to say that he talks to my W about this some. He thinks that if this change is a perm one, that once my W and I become friends again, he thinks there is a chance we could get back together again. It seems she is afraid that my change isn't perm and that I am only doing it for her. We talked about other things as well but that was the major one.
Well...That really helps keep me going mentally and emotionaly. But I do also know that I need to get to the friend zone first...THEN I need to take it REAL SLOW after that. The old m and R is dead and that we have to start a new one when the time comes. She needs to fall in love with me all over again. So I stopped cleaing for a bit to write this. Now back to cleaning!!
Brian, when I read your first post I almost thought I had written it. Subtle differences of course, but I feel your pain.
I've been reading this thread with great anticipation and wish you the best in your knew life. I only wish there was a forum in this community with examples of what we are going through, how bad it can get (hitting the bottom) and how it all works out for us in the end. I know that's up to us and this journey is about us. Still...
You're a good man, Charlie Brown. No false hopes, keep doing what you're doing for you and hope we both (all of us hoping for the best in the end) get our deserts.
