New and saying hello

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi there,

I have been lurking on this site for a little bit now trying to muster up the courage to post.
I've read a lot of enteries by fellow DBers and I have found comfort in your support for one another.

My H & I have been separated for a month now, and to say it has been h*ll is an understatement.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, and sometimes it takes all my strength to get out of bed.

While I know that all the problems are not my fault, a huge part of it is and I am working on making some serious life changes. Changes I should have made many years ago but that is neither here nor there.

After reading Michele's book, I realize I have been doing many things wrong in trying to win my H back. Crying, begging, pleading, etc.
I can't help it, it's my natural reaction.

The bottom line is, I don't know what to do or how to cope.
My H isn't sure if he wants to continue with our M or not, and I am very scared it could be the end of us.


Any advice or support you have to offer is greatly appreciated.

[zengypsy]

Delinquent...

Welcome and I'm sorry you are here but you are not alone.

We all understand what you are going thru and I'm glad that you joined. To be able to better help you, please let us know some stats on your stich like ages of you both, how long you've been married, if you have kids etc. Take a look at some of our signatures to get a better idea.

You have taken the first step by getting Michele's book. Re-read, re-read, re-read. Don't beat yourself up for doing things that are part of human nature. DB'g takes time and effort. It's behavior modification. You have to undue a lifetime of routines etc. and that will not happen over night. BUT if you are dedicated to making the changes YOU need to for YOU, it will become your NEW natural reaction.

We're here for you so please keep posting.

[jbnati]

Delinquent -
I am fairly new to this as well. I can say that it gets a little better each day with time. Keep re-reading Michele's book. Talk to a DB coach if you can. Stay focused on the short term goals. Look for the small progress. Spend time with close friends.
Most of all, work on yourself. It's hard to do sometimes, but it's so worth it. Ultmately, if nothing else, you will become the better person on the end, even if you can't save your marriage.

[~¤DG¤~]

Thank you for the welcome. And I apologize if this thread is duplicated I didn't realize the board was moderated and just thought my post didn't post for whatever reason and posted it again.

We have been married 5 years in June
No kids together, I have 2 S from previous M and he has a S from previous relationship
He left Feb 20 and no papers have been filed.

We actually had dinner last night. He asked to meet me and I agreed. It was the first time I have seen him in a month and I was so nervous.
I made every attempt to look my best and I was glad he noticed.
Our dinner was nice, I did get a little emotional but over all it went good.
We went for coffee afterwards.
He said he knows he doesn't want a D-yet. Whether he wants one in the future only time will tell.
I don't want to assume anything, but I *think* he wants to make sure that the woman he left isn't going to be the same person he goes back to.


He suggested that we "date" for a little while (exclusively) and see how that goes.
When we left, he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me.

I am just so scared. I have done several 180's and want to keep it up.
I have also started C for myself and have been going for almost 4 months to try and deal with my issues of fear of abandonment, low self esteem, anger, and insecurity.

I am just so scared it is too late for us.

[sandi2]

Why did your H leave?

You said you were going to make some life changes. Care to share what those changes are?

Hope you post each day and reach out to others here, b/c that will help build up your support group.

[~¤DG¤~]

He left because I was emotionally abusive, angry, and insecure and he became my emotional punching bag.

I am not proud of my actions. I am rather ashamed.

As for changes I am in counseling for my self esteem/anger issues.
I no longer take anyone for granted. I make a conscious effort to think about what I say before I say it.
I am really trying to focus on learning to love myself and be secure with myself so that in the future I can have a healthy relationship.

[grr]

hello
sorry you are going thru this
my h left in january and i will say, this board has helped alot
also about a year and a half ago, my h did the same thing
that time i was lucky, it only lasted about a month
this time i don't think i am going to be so lucky

i guess i mean to say that there is always hope
if he is not sure about what he wants, make sure you are always the best you that you can be when he is around

but please, don't chase, pursue, cry, or beg
those things push people out the door

keep on posting and share details on your sitch
that will help

[ninelives]

The key DG, is to catch it early and start DBing heavy.
I think you are fortunate that you caught it in the early stages and may have an easier time actually doing things that work.

There are some excellent vets on this site that have an uncanny way of seeing things. Sandi2 is one of them. Listen to them and even if it goes against your gut, try and be patient.

Many of us on this site are impatient and that is a character flaw. Patience may the most important trait to make this work.

I struggle with that daily and it has hurt me. Please dont make those same mistakes.

All the Best.

9

[~¤DG¤~]

I really wish it didn't take so long to get my responses posted, but I understand why the board is moderated.

A little backstory:

I have always had issues with trust, insecurity, and not feeling "good enough"
I have been married once before and my exH was very emotionally abusive and put me down on a regular basis.
I think a lot of my issues from my first marriage carried over into my 2nd.
Also, I had been morbidly obese for many years and that didn't help either.
Almost 2 years ago I bit the bullet and had gastric bypass surgery.
I thought once I lost all the weight my self esteem would be great, and I wouldn't feel so insecure.
Well, I was wrong.

I became the food police, criticizing my H's choices of food, jealous because he could eat things that I couldn't.
If I wanted to go for a walk and asked him to join me and he would decline, I'd get mad and tell him he was lazy and unmotivated.
Never once stopping to think that perhaps I was what was keeping him from wanting to enjoy life with me.

I am very ashamed of myself. Who am I to treat the one person I am supposed to love honor and cherish that way?
I am surprised he held on for as long as he did.

I am not a victim, and I am not trying to sound like one and I apologize if I sound that way.
I made some terrible decisions and I am paying the price.

[~¤DG¤~]

Today is a hard day for me. Not sure if it's because the weather is crappy or what, but my spirits are low.

I've been trying to get a handle on my anxiety, reading positive self help quotes, as I tend to always think negative things.

I find myself checking my phone constantly to see if he texts. And every time he doesn't I beat myself up because I should know better.

I'm trying to not worry so much about him and worry about me, but it is very very hard.

[~¤DG¤~]

Bumping for responses (hopefully)

[dbmod]

^

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling now-

This morning I woke up without much anxiety, which is a welcomed change from the past few weeks.

I am trying not to over think or over analyze anything, but the bottom line is I am really scared.
I don't text H at all unless he texts first. Usually he is just saying Hi or wishing me goodnight and sweet dreams.
Yesterday he did say he missed me and that he would see me soon.
I take these signs as positive, but then I think I am getting my hopes up and then automatically think negative thoughts.
I've always played devils advocate and worried about "what if's."

Yesterday my C & I discussed the walls I have around my heart and why I always operate out of fear.
Oh how I wish I could snap my fingers and stop being so terrified all the time.

My self esteem really [censored].

[~¤DG¤~]

I just wanted to include something I found today and it spoke to me:

Suffering exists when you cannot accept the present as it is. Have a positive expectation of the future and see that everything is great and getting better. But enjoy the moment whatever it may contain for - IT IS.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling again......

You know, for as long as I can remember I have had a wall up around my heart to protect me from getting hurt.
To feel "safe" if you will. The past few days I have realized that being safe wasn't helping me, it was hurting me.
It may have spared me some pain, but it also blocked out the joy. I pushed my H away so many times out of fear of feeling not worthy and getting hurt, and that was ridiculous!
I am worthy of love, and I am worthy of loving. Nothing is more important in this world than love.
These walls around me....aren't serving me any purpose except blocking me from enjoying life for what it is supposed to be.

For the first time in my life, I want to open my heart to loving and being loved.
I want to believe in love. While I hope it isn't too late for my H and I, if it is, I still want to believe it exists out there somewhere and it's wonderful.

If I have learned anything these past few days, is that love is the greates thing in this world.

[~¤DG¤~]

Anyone????

[~¤DG¤~]

H came to our home today to visit a little bit before he had to go to work.
We chatted a little bit, and he asked me to lunch tomorrow.

During our talk today, he asked if maybe in the next few weeks he could attend one of my C sessions with me.
I have been wanting to do this for months, and he was never wanting to go and that was another issue between us.
I didn't bring it up, he did. This is a positive step, right?

I am so scared I am going to F this up somehow. Some insight would be very much appreciated.

[~¤DG¤~]

Ok just rambling to myself again-

Feeling a bit down today. I hate this emotional rollercoater!

Anyone offer any insight?

[JustStunned]

During our talk today, he asked if maybe in the next few weeks he could attend one of my C sessions with me.
I have been wanting to do this for months, and he was never wanting to go and that was another issue between us.
I didn't bring it up, he did. This is a positive step, right?

I would view it as a positive step.

Sorry I don’t have more I’m at a pretty low point myself

In case you haven’t seen these yet absorb them

In the meantime, I'm going to repost 37 DB rules that I found when I first came here. They helped me a lot when I was first starting, and still do. Read them, then read them 100 more times. Learn to live and breath by these rules... talk to you soon.

BITS
Denver

Here ya go:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[♪CS♪]

Hey DelinquentGurl,

I see a lot of positives in there. Just try to take them for what they are and continue to work on yourself. Your H will notice.

Just a reminder, your posts are most likely getting a little lost because they are still taking some time to show up. Keep journaling and soon your posts will show up on the first page and you'll get more responses.

Hang in there!

[~¤DG¤~]

Thank you both for your responses. I have those 37 rules on my phone and refer to them often.

I am trying to continue to work on myself. I know in the end, I am the only one responsible for my own happiness.

[jbnati]

DelinquentGurl,
I also see a lot of positives in there. If he comes to your counseling session, I suggest acting "AS IF" you it's going help things in a positve direction. Be receptive to him talking about the other issue and try not be defensive.

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm a little disappointed right now. H had asked if I wanted to get together for a little bit and I said that was fine.

5 minutes before he was supposed to be here he called and said he needed to take a raincheck.
As disappointed as I am, I didn't let him know it. I simply said "That's ok...no problem." And left it at that.
He said "I can tell your mad." And I assured him that I wasn't, and that we could do it some other time.

Of course I am sad, but I'm not going to let it ruin my evening.
It's too late for me to make alternate plans, but I refuse to sit and stew over this.
He does not define me. He does not determine my happiness, right?

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling again-

Can someone shake me so I stop looking at the cell phone records?
Everytime I do and see a number I don't recognize that H has either texted or called I automatically assume it's another woman
And I've gone so far as to have a friend call the number, and she told me it was a woman's voice on the VM.
Now, my H has never been a cheater and I really don't think he would do such a thing but who knows anymore.
I know checking the records is a pattern I have to break and every day I say I'm not going to do it but then I cave in and do it anyway.
I know this isn't helping, I know it's hurting. How do I stop???

[~¤DG¤~]

Yup, it's me again.
I just had lunch with H (he asked) and it was pretty nice.
When we are together, we are touchy feely and act like we're a regular married couple going out to lunch.
I am just so confused.
He says he loves me, he's just so scared. He is very scared that things will go back to how they were.
I listened and validated his feelings and said "I understand why you would feel that way." Because I do.
I just wish he would see the changes in me. I know it takes time, I know it takes patience and I do love him enough to get through this with him.
It's just very hard.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling again-

For the most part I am pretty positive on most days, but then insecurity kicks in and I get scared.
We had lunch together today and it was a nice time. When we're together it's like we're just us, ging out to lunch, not a couple that is separated.
He says he is very scared that things will go back to how they used to be. I am afraid of that also.
I know I have to be patient, and I am prepared to work through whatever we have to, but then I get scared that maybe he'll like being apart more than he'll like being a family.
He said he isn't going to come home until he knows for sure how he feels, which I understand. I wouldn't want him to move in and move out again. It would kill us.
I'm just so scared.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hello...it's me again.
I have a condition called Pancreatitis, which is extremely painful and usually requires me to be hospitalized.
My sister brought me in last night and then called my H at work (he works night shift) to let him know where I was and if he wouldn't mind stopping by our home to check on the cats.
He agreed, and that was that.
About 6:30am this morning he walks into my hospital room. I was very surprised he came to see me.
I said "Wow...this is a surprise." And he said "not really, why wouldn't I be here?"
And he proceeds to tell me that he stopped at the store and picked me up some magazines.
I was so touched that he made this gesture, and I made sure to let him know how much I appreciated it.
He stayed with me for almost 2 hours, rubbing my hand (he gives the best hand massages) and even climbed into bed with me and held me for a little bit.

I am thinking he is noticing my 180's, but I don't say anything.
I am trying to think positive and think that maybe we really could work through this, but then I get scared because I know he isn't ready to come home.
I don't want to push him to do anything he isn't ready for.

How do I deal with this?

[~¤DG¤~]

I understand the newbies are moderated and I respect that, but sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself.

[~¤DG¤~]

Ugh...I hate feeling like I am talking to myself!

[dbmod]

Just follow his lead. You're making great baby steps.

I'm sorry you have to go through the hospitalizations. Do you have a lot of pain? I'm really glad that he wants to be there for you--it is a very good sign.

[~¤DG¤~]

Yes, it is extremely painful when it happens which requires IV medication.

I feel much better today, but it definetly puts a hamper on my life when it happens.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling again-

Every day I make myself a promise that I am NOT going to check his cell phone records, and every day I fail.
It's like insecurity sets in and I panic that there could be someone else.
Help!

[jbnati]

DG -
I struggle with that one, too. If you do it, and you actually find something, it really starts to drive you crazy. Someone recently asked me if I found something out, how would it change my DB strategy? I thought it was an excellent question. My answer to that was - not significantly. Food for thought - if it's not going to change your DB strategy, why drive yourself crazy?

- jbnati

[Brian in Hville]

DG..Is his phone use something you can control? No..so don't do this to yourself. I did the same thing with my W until I realized I can't control what she does. You are the only thing you can control. Concentrate on yourself and healing you.

[~¤DG¤~]

I know that, and in my head I know that even if there was someone else I couldn't do anything about it anyway.
It would be on him, not on me.
I hate that I do it. I have never found anything. I've been checking his cell phone records for years constantly worrying that he could cheat, even though he has never given me a reason to suspect it.

[JustStunned]

DG, we all have struggled with something like this. In my own sitch this snooping caused me a great deal of pain. It is apparent it is causing you pain as well.

I refused to turn the home computer on. This prevented me from snooping her email and FB.

You are making great baby steps. While you were in the Hospital:

And he proceeds to tell me that he stopped at the store and picked me up some magazines.
I was so touched that he made this gesture, and I made sure to let him know how much I appreciated it.
He stayed with me for almost 2 hours, rubbing my hand (he gives the best hand massages) and even climbed into bed with me and held me for a little bit.

Spending time, gifts, physical contact. Don’t let your anxiety drive this progress away.
Do something making it more difficult for you to check his cell phone records, difficult but not impossible. You’ll still need to exercise some discipline.

You need to detach from the emotion driving this behavior. This is easier said than done, but most of us have had some success. You will too. Resolve to be stronger and do something else to direct your focus to. Immerse yourself in some positive GAL activity. Focus on what you can do quickly, easily, that will have positive impact.

Break the day down to small successes if you need to.
Resolve I will not check this morning I will focus on ??????.
Change your scenery. GAL

I did not check this morning, celebrate the success. Then resolve I will not check this afternoon.
I will do ???? to focus on.
I will not check this evening because I am doing this ???? to improve myself.

[Brian in Hville]

I know that, and in my head I know that even if there was someone else I couldn't do anything about it anyway.
It would be on him, not on me.
I hate that I do it. I have never found anything. I've been checking his cell phone records for years constantly worrying that he could cheat, even though he has never given me a reason to suspect it.

Well, there is a 180 you can do. If this is a consistant behavior, change it. It's not healthy at all!

Other then that, how are you doing today?

[~¤DG¤~]

You are right, it isn't a healthy behavior at all.
I never even considered it to be a 180 I could do.
Duh!

I am doing ok today. This morning I had my daily talk with God which resulted in tears, but it feels good to talk to Him.
I'm glad nobody can hear me talk because I am sure I look like a mad woman talking to myself. It comforts me. I really hope He is listening.

H texts me goodnight and sweet dreams, and he also texts me "I miss you" on a regular basis.
I am terrified of getting my hopes up.
I don't know how I should handle myself. Do I text back right away? Ignore him?
I feel helpless........

[jbnati]

I agree with Brian. It's a more of the same behavior that doesn't seem to be working for you.

[quote=DelinquentGurl] This morning I had my daily talk with God which resulted in tears, but it feels good to talk to Him.

I think this is a good thing. I believe He has purpose for all of this mess, and there's something better on the other side. I remind myself of that daily.

H texts me goodnight and sweet dreams, and he also texts me "I miss you" on a regular basis.
I am terrified of getting my hopes up.
I don't know how I should handle myself. Do I text back right away? Ignore him?
I feel helpless........

I would say the textbook answer is that you don't text him back, though I can see how it would be tempting to text back. Perhaps you could occasionally text something simple back like "u2", but definitely not every time.

[Brian in Hville]

Talking to God is a great thing. I always ask for peace in my heart, the strength to get through the day, and grace sufficient enough for the day. He is listening! I also ask that God speaks to me throughout the day. Whenever I drive now, I don't turn the radio on...That is my alone time with God.

I wouldn't text back right away. If he asks you a question, take some time to think about it then answer. If he just says something like good night, or I miss you, I wouldn't answer. Let him miss you...Let him wonder what you are doing and how you are feeling. Just concentrate on yourself right now!!

Here are the lyrics to a wonderful song by 4Him.

In the beginning
Before the world began
The great Creator
Carved a Mighty Plan
He spoke the mountains
Surrounded them with seas
Then in his image
Created you and me
Even why back then (He already knew)
There would be no end to his love

(chorus)
Every second of every minute
Every minute of every hour
Twenty-four hours a day
He will be there for you
Three hundred and sixty five days a year
Everyday in the life that you're here
Wherever you go
He will be there for you

He's always listening
Before you even speak
He's got the answer
Before there's a need
He feels the heartache
That no one ever sees
He's there beside you
When you're on your knees
And he says again (to me and to you)
There will be no end
To His love

[~¤DG¤~]

Those are great lyrics, thank you for posting them.

I have been listening to Christian rock these past few days.
Not that it is my favorite style of music, but I can't handle songs about love or breaking up right now. I just can't.

[Brian in Hville]

You're telling me! I listen to country music. It's all about losing the thing syou love! LOL

I really haven't listened to any music since my W dropped the bomb. That was 6 weeks ago today. I don't miss it either. I like my talks with God I have while driving.

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm happy that He has been helping you through this and it brings you comfort.

[jbnati]

I listen to Christian rock on Air1 at work daily. I listen to XM-32 in the car, sometimes. It keeps me centered on God. Other times, like Brian, I have no music on and I'm talking with God.

I've watched some CMT in the morning, and it's a bit too much for me right now.

[~¤DG¤~]

How do you handle friendships?
My best friend and her fiance were good friends to both of us.
He hasn't seen them for a while but now he talks about possibly getting together with them.
I will admit, that bothers me, but I remind myself that acting jealous and insecure would be reverting back to the old me and I don't want to do that.

I trust my friends that they wouldn't bad mouth me, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

[Brian in Hville]

That is also a tough one. My W and I share a lot of friends. A lot of mainly her friends have already let me know they want to remain my friend too. You should be doing things with your friends more often now. That is part of your GAL. Just don't bring up R talk with them unless they ask. And don't EVER bad mouth your S.

[jbnati]

I think it depends on the friends. My W and I also share some friends. Recently, I got together with some friends we hadn't seen in awhile. I'll have to admit, I felt a little guilty because I really didn't want my W to come along. And we did get into R talk, rather heavily. However, it is a little different in that my W really hasn't talked to them too much.

I think if you are comfortable with your friends taking a fairly neutral stance, I would limit the R talk. I definitely wouldn't put any friends in the middle of the situation. It's not fair to your friends, and it has the potential of being destructive.

[~¤DG¤~]

I do things with my friends all the time, they have been my biggest support system.
And of course I don't want them to shut him out, especially if there is a chance for reonciliation in the future.
Who am I to dictate who talks to whom?

But...I'll admit that I am feeling a bit territorial.
They were my friends first, but I know that kind of thinking is childish.
I could easily say to my friend "I don't want you to hang out with him" but
#1- she will do what she wants anyway
*2- that makes me look extremely possesive and insecure and that is a habit I am trying to break.

[Brian in Hville]

Here is another way to look at it..Would you rather him go out with friends of yours, or people who have no idea how wonderful a person you are?

[~¤DG¤~]

Oooh....good way to do a 180 Brian. Thanks for that.

[~¤DG¤~]

I dont know why, but there are times where I am paralyzed with intense fear that he may meet someone while we are apart.
I know he says he loves me, but I just don't know. He hasn't given any indication that he wants to come home, and I don't want to push. I just get so scared that he might meet someone.
Irrational, I know.

[Michael M]

I know how you feel totally. I worry because I know how crappy of a person I was. BUT, I have to trust her and I will.

[~¤DG¤~]

Ok so I made a mistake yesterday that I know I shouldn't have made.
We were texting about his work because he was upset about something and I made the mistake and texted "I love you"
And he just replied "Love U 2" and that was it.
Later, he texted me "I heart you" but not I love you so now I am beating myself up for saying it in the first place because I knew I shouldn't.
I guess I am just scared that if I don't reach out he will think I don't care.

Maybe I'm reading too much into things, I don't know.
I'm just having a bad, emotional morning.

[jbnati]

Yeah, you probably made a mistake, but don't beat yourself up about it. Just learn from it.

I know it's hard to cut out the I love you's. It something I did very, very early and it was extremely HARD. But I also didn't want to push my W away. They already know this, but when you say it, it reminds them they don't feel the same way RIGHT NOW.

Sounds like it may be helpful for work on your GAL. I can speak from experience that it will do wonders for your mental health.

[~¤DG¤~]

Yeah- I really do need to. I am trying to keep busy, but maybe I am not busy enough.

[Brian in Hville]

On weekends...go out with friends every night! That helps. On weekdays it is much harder, so I have started doing things like Power 90, walking, talking with family, etc..The weekdays seem to be the hardest days to think about something else...but it needs to be done.

[~¤DG¤~]

I share custody of my kids with their Dad and they spend every other week with him so I have 2 weeks a month to myself.
When they are gone, I am gone pretty much every day spending time with friends.
I don't see my family too much though, they are kind of negative people and tend to suck the life out of me so I avoid them at all costs.

I realized after reading Denver's thread that I haven't been doing 180's for me, I've been doing them for my H and to save our M and I realize now that I can't be doing that.

[jbnati]

Is spending time with your friends when you don't have your kids something new and/or out of character for you? Is there something new you may like to try?

I have kind of noticed some the GAL can resemble a 180 at times.

[Brian in Hville]

DG..Yes, all of your changes must be for you...If they aren't, it's a good bet they don't stick. Whenever you do something, ask yourself, "Would I want do this even if my S never came back?" This is a good indication if you are doing things for him or for you.

[jbnati]

I agree with Brian. It is VERY important to ask yourself this question:

"Would I want do this even if my S never came back?"

[~¤DG¤~]

That is a good question to ask myself.

And no, spending time with friends is not out of character for me at all.

[jbnati]

One thing my DB coach told me early on is that I am competing with this idealized lifestyle my WAW has in mind. In DR, it suggests doing some things out of character for the way you are acting now. Think back to when your H first fell in love with you. What worked then? What worked when things were going well?

I struggled myself early on with finding the things I had always wanted to try, but didn't, that I would keep on doing regardless.

[~¤DG¤~]

I wasn't as insecure. We laughed a lot. We had lots of sex.

[jbnati]

Sounds like you may want to look for some 180s / things to GAL that will build your confidence. Also, any contact you have with H, if you can generate the laughter, it would be a good thing.

[~¤DG¤~]

I want to ask him so badly if he is committed to working on this marriage.
Not come home, but at least work on it. I am scared of his response!

[jbnati]

That's hard, and I understand completely. But it's probably best if you don't apply the pressure. It may backfire and push him away. Continue your track of 180s and GAL.

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm trying, I really am.
I pray CONSTANTLY-asking God for strength, to help me get through this.
I hope He is listening because I really want to change my life.

I don't want to be a control freak. I don't want to constantly worry about all the "What If's"
I hate feeling like this!!!!

[jbnati]

Just remember He is listening and He ultimately has a plan for all of this mess.

[Brian in Hville]

I don't want to be a control freak. I don't want to constantly worry about all the "What If's"
I hate feeling like this!!!!

Use that hate and fear to drive yourself to change. Whenever I might start reverting back, I ask myself..Do you ever want to feel like that again? Do you ever want to lose what you love again? Do you want to be happy for the rest of your life?

Ask God for peace as well. It has really helped me.

[Queen_of_Swords]

The need to control and peace of mind cannot exist together.

Which do you want more?

in general, controlling people truly feel out of control internally and they try to control their environment and others to regain a sense of peace and security.

[~¤DG¤~]

SC you just described me to a T.

[Queen_of_Swords]

SC you just described me to a T.

Then you know what you need to do.

You need to find a way to find your own inner sense of control over yourself.

I am guessing ( since I have also been accused of being controlling) that the deepest part of you believes the world is an unsafe place, you do not trust it or others in getting your needs met.
Perhaps your needs were not met by people that you should have been able to trust as a baby or small child.

This belief is a lie.

You CAN trust you. Your needs CAN be met. You're no longer a helpless infant or child dependant on others for survival. You're an adult and fully capable.

Affirm to yourself that the world is a safe and nurturing place.

The only person you CAN control without bullying, haranguing, or manipulating is you. Let go DG and control you.

A few suggestions that may help you to reduce your anxiety levels to be able to release external control in this regard are:

Eliminate all stimulants ...coffee, tea, energy drinks etc.
Get enough sleep. Eat when you're hungry.
Deliberately let a little chaos into your life. So the vacumming doesn't get done this week, it'll still be there next week.
Meditate on self control.

I have this pinned on my wall as a reminder to myself. You may like it as well:


You are not the general manager of the universe. Your job is to stay open to possibilites and let go of concepts of how things should work out.

[Brian in Hville]

That's good Scylla...Here is another saying I have

Let go and let God

[♪CS♪]

There is a line in Risky Business that sums it up pretty well...

[~¤DG¤~]

SC, once again you are right. My parents were not loving parents. No kisses, hugs, I love you, etc.
I grew up always being insecure and having a wall around my heart to protect myself.

I am currently in IC to deal with those issues and sometimes I feel I am taking a step forward and then other days it's like 3 steps back.
I am going to copy your quote and keep it with me.

I'm having a bad night. H didn't text me at all today and of course this gave me anxiety thinking oh great, he doesn't love me anymore and then started to cry.
Then I got mad at myself for allowing my happiness and self worth be wrapped up in him and not me, that when he finally did text I was so mad I haven't answered and I won't.
I need to detach. I tell myself this each and every day...and then I don't.

[Brian in Hville]

DG..I am sorry you are having a bad night. I know how it feels to not have contact with the one you love. Just think to yourself that the longer you go without contact, the more he will miss you too.

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm afraid that he doesn't miss me. That I am holding out hope for nothing.

[Brian in Hville]

You can't think the DG..You need to live "as if". As if he does miss you. As if he does love you. As if he will see the changes you are making and want to be a part of them. If we don't hold on to something, what point is there to DB?

What I want you to do is concentrate on you and you alone. Figure out the area's of your life that you don't like and change them. Figure out things you like to do and do them. What makes you laugh? What makes you smile? IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!! We have to fix ourselves before we can even think about being in a R or M. I know you can do this. We are all here for you and will offer advice and encouragement throughout your journey. We are your family.

[jbnati]

DG, I know it's extremely HARD right now. I agree with Brian. You do need to live "as if" he does miss you. Be patient, too!

As hard as it may sound to do, concentrating on YOU is critical right now. Trust me, you will start feeling A LOT better.

Count me in as far as being behind you in this journey.

[~¤DG¤~]

I always assume the worst in everything. I don't have a positive attitude at all.

I worry he's talking to other women on FB. I saw a pic of him dressed up on his FB and automatically assumed he was going to meet another woman.

I hate that I am so negative!

[JustStunned]

I always assume the worst in everything. I don't have a positive attitude at all.

I hate that I am so negative!

Another thing to 180

How will you begin?

Remember small attainable goals, baby steps,

[~¤DG¤~]

I don't even know how to start!

[JustStunned]

I don't even know how to start!

I am sure this is something your C can help with.

In the mean time have you made a list of the positives? Try to add to it daily. Post it where you will read it.

If you begin to focus on negatives, list them on a seperate sheet and destroy it as soon as possible in a manner significant to you. I burn mine while focussing on letting them go.

[~¤DG¤~]

Thanks for the tips.

[Brian in Hville]

DG..why do this to yourself? Do you like feeling this way? Stop going to FB if you can't help but look at his profile. Concentrate ONLY on what YOU can CONTROL. That is you! Until you really want to change yourself, and I mean REALLY want to change, you won't.

Again, keep coming to us. We are here for you. I believe in you and know you can do this.

[jbnati]

DG, I think you have had some positives over the last couple of weeks. He did come and see you in the hospital. Your interactions with him have been pleasant. It looks like your texts you have received have been good as well. It sounds like you have a great network of friends.

Keep looking for that thing, too, that will put that extra spring in your step. Perhaps it something you used to enjoy. Let your H catch you at your best.

[~¤DG¤~]

Brian you are right....I don't know why I do this to myself and yes, I really do want to change my life regardless!

I have been like this for so long that I don't know how to start. Yes C helps me so much but I still feel like I have a long way to go.

[Brian in Hville]

You start with baby steps. Figure out the things you need to change. Then you figure out how you can change them. Then you figure out how you can KEEP them changed. It sounds easy, but we know it isn't. Start with the FB. You will NOT check his profile anymore. If you get the urge, turn off your computer or put your phone down.

[~¤DG¤~]

Well, I specifically told my friends tonight who are also friends on FB that under no circumstances are they to tell me anything about what he posts or who he is talking to.
Even if I beg them, they need to tell me NO.
We are not friends on FB, but he "pokes" me all the time and I am going to ignore them.

I made a list of things that I want to change as well as the specific steps that I am going to take to change them.
I'm going to have to focus on one at a time, because I want to make sure I do this right. For me.

Tonight my S and I stopped at the pet store and they had the most adorable female Basset Hound puppy.
They are my absolute favorite breed of dog and it took all my power to walk away and not bring her home with me.
Part of the reason is my H, I know he doesn't want a dog and while we are separated, D isn't being considered right now and I can't make a decision like that without talking with him.
So although tempting, I resisted. Oh how I keep thinking about her though!


Here is my 180 list so far:

STOP BEING SO INSECURE!
-stop checking phone records
-when I get the urge I will tell myself "You are worth more than this"
-Practice positive self talk
-stop looking at his FB
-don't ask friends/family what he has posted
-practice positive self talk.


-HAVE A MORE POSITIVE ATTITUDE
-when I have a negative thought, I will stop myself by saying "How is this helping me?"
-when I start feeling anxious or worried, I will pray to God for guidance
-start going to church
-No chasing, pursuing, or I love you
-remind myself that he knows all of these things
- continue with counseling for myself
- find things to do that I enjoy that make me feel good about myself

I have also started a list on the positive things about me. That one is going to take more time.

[jbnati]

Hey DG, it sounds like the start of a pretty good game plan. Way to go!

PS you may want to check out Phillipians 4:6 if you have a Bible - it sounds lot like one of your 180s

[~¤DG¤~]

Do you really think so? I have to admit coming up with specifics is really hard.
I've never done solution based goals before. They've always been so vague.

I will check out that Bible verse. Thanks!

[jbnati]

I think it's a definitely a good start. I get the impression in DR that it takes a few passes through before you really get your goals where you want them or where they should be. But now you have set some good guidelines for yourself. Good job!

[Brian in Hville]

Well, I specifically told my friends tonight who are also friends on FB that under no circumstances are they to tell me anything about what he posts or who he is talking to.
Even if I beg them, they need to tell me NO.
We are not friends on FB, but he "pokes" me all the time and I am going to ignore them.

I made a list of things that I want to change as well as the specific steps that I am going to take to change them.
I'm going to have to focus on one at a time, because I want to make sure I do this right. For me.

Tonight my S and I stopped at the pet store and they had the most adorable female Basset Hound puppy.
They are my absolute favorite breed of dog and it took all my power to walk away and not bring her home with me.
Part of the reason is my H, I know he doesn't want a dog and while we are separated, D isn't being considered right now and I can't make a decision like that without talking with him.
So although tempting, I resisted. Oh how I keep thinking about her though!


Here is my 180 list so far:

STOP BEING SO INSECURE!
-stop checking phone records
-when I get the urge I will tell myself "You are worth more than this"
-Practice positive self talk
-stop looking at his FB
-don't ask friends/family what he has posted
-practice positive self talk.


-HAVE A MORE POSITIVE ATTITUDE
-when I have a negative thought, I will stop myself by saying "How is this helping me?"
-when I start feeling anxious or worried, I will pray to God for guidance
-start going to church
-No chasing, pursuing, or I love you
-remind myself that he knows all of these things
- continue with counseling for myself
- find things to do that I enjoy that make me feel good about myself

I have also started a list on the positive things about me. That one is going to take more time.

I am proud of you DG!! This is really good!!! First thing on your list of positive things. You are truly a WONDERFUL person!!!

[~¤DG¤~]

Thanks to everyone who has responded to my posts.
I haven't been a member here very long at all, and yet I feel like all of you have helped me out tremendously.

I am feeling positive tonight. I might not feel as positive tomorrow, but I'll worry about it then.

[Brian in Hville]

Good for you DG!!! I am proud of you. Keep allowing yourself to feel good. You deserve it!

[~¤DG¤~]

Ugh...rough night. Not because of H, but because my pancreas acted up again. Good news is my pain meds helped and I didn't have to go to the hospital.

However I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 and got up about 7:30 so I am a bit exhausted.
I am still feeling positive though, which is good.

[MynameisMZ]

I would think it would be important to have him spend time with your friends that know the "we" and "us" part of you both.

My H and I are now in Piecing and a big part of what we do is to be sure to do things with our friends. I took it as a good sign when he was with them during his A.

It really sounds like you are doing DB well. He seems to be responsive.

I hear you when you keep saying you are scared to get your hopes up. However, if building your self-esteem is a goal for you, this (DB techniques and the patience required) will help you get there. You have to trust yourself.you're doin' good!

[~¤DG¤~]

I am so proud of myself! Today was a GREAT day!
My S and I went to the Mall of America and had a great time.
I snagged some deals to make me feel good about myself, and it was just fun to spend time with my youngest S.
I kept my phone in my purse and made myself a promise that I would not text back if he texted me, and I didn't.

While we were sitting on a bench at the mall, a lightbulb went off. I need to "Act If" I am moving on with my life without him.
As much as it makes me sad to even think about it, I realized that I should be focusing on helping me to get to a better place.

My H and I have been separated for 7 weeks tomorrow, and part of me thinks it is too long and we'll never make it back to one another, but then I stop myself and pray to God to lead me in the right direction.

[jbnati]

Great job. DG!!!
Hang in there! God has a plan for all of this and that's what I remind myself of daily,

I'm really glad you enjoyed your time with your son, because that's VERY important.

[~¤DG¤~]

Yes, it is important. My oldest S is 15 and likes to be with friends and wasn't with us. If he was the whole day would have been perfect but oh well.....

My S kept thanking me for the awesome day. That made me feel good.
We both crashed on the couch at 9pm we were so exhausted.

[~¤DG¤~]

ugh...he has texted me a few times and one of his texts says "I love you" and it is taking all my willpower not to answer him.
I just don't want to get sucked back in, especially because it is so hard for me to detach. It's a very big struggle for me.

Advice? Thoughts?

[Starsky309]

ugh...he has texted me a few times and one of his texts says "I love you" and it is taking all my willpower not to answer him.
I just don't want to get sucked back in, especially because it is so hard for me to detach. It's a very big struggle for me.

Advice? Thoughts?

Yeah. Don't.


Starsky

[~¤DG¤~]

Blunt and to the point huh Starsky? LOL.

[Brian in Hville]

Yes DG...don't do that. He needs to earn that from you at some point. Just keep doing what you are doing. It appears to be working!

[~¤DG¤~]

Why doesn't it feel like it's working though?
I feel just terrible about it. I miss him so much.
I'm really trying. I am.

[Brian in Hville]

I know how hard this is. Unfortunately, that is what we have to deal with to get our spouses back. Just concentrate on you. If you get the urge to contact him, just ask yourself..Am I ready for it? Have a fixed me enough that I know I can be happy around them without them affecting my feelings? These are things I am doing.

[~¤DG¤~]

I picked up the book 5 LL yesterday and started reading it today.
I was hesitant but this is a very good book!
Very insightful. I just ordered his book "Hope for the separated" and I hope that one is good also.

Has anyone read that book?

[jbnati]

I know how hard this is. Unfortunately, that is what we have to deal with to get our spouses back. Just concentrate on you. If you get the urge to contact him, just ask yourself..Am I ready for it? Have a fixed me enough that I know I can be happy around them without them affecting my feelings? These are things I am doing.

I agree with Brian. If you are able to continue the track of not responding, I would say it's highly likely he is going to start getting more persistent.

[jbnati]

I have not read 5LL, but I am seriously thinking about picking it up. I have done some pieces of it, so I'm somewhat familiar with it. It's a pretty popular book, and for a good reason. Enjoy!

[Brian in Hville]

I just got that 5LL book today...was also wondering about the seperated one.

[~¤DG¤~]

I am almost finished with it and I just started reading it today.
I know what my LL is, and I am pretty sure I know what my H's is also. I just hope I get the chance to discuss it with him someday.

Today has been the first day in 7 weeks that I haven't been scared about the future.
I think that is a pretty significant step for me.
I still had my moment when I break down and cry, but compared to how I was when he left 7 weeks ago I am so much stronger.
And I have learned a lot more about myself, and I'm excited to continue learning.

I used to think that it was impossible for people to change. Well, I surprise myself sometimes.
I can tell I am changing. I feel different. I look at life differently.
I appreciate things more. I appreciate the people that I do have in my life more, and I don't feel guilty about detaching from the ones who bring me down.

Even the difference from the beginning of this thread to now, it's different.

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that with all the people who do love me, I will never be alone.
I may have done some pretty sh!tty things in my past when I was in a darker place, but I am moving past it.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is very, very dim right now, but I can see enough of it to know that it's there.

[jbnati]

Way to go DG! It sounds like you are turning a corner.

[islander]

I am not that familiar with your sitch, but I like your attitude. I need to get back where I was, it was closet where you are, but I have gotten way off track. I to want to vet to a place where I can explore our LL, but that is a distant dream right now.

Keep staying positive.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling now-

This morning I was extremely sad when I woke up.
The tears wouldn't stop falling. I just wish my H & I could find our way back to one another.
I know he doesn't want a D-at least right now but I don't feel like we are close to reconciling either.
I know I need to be patient, and I am trying my best to be, but this really [censored].
If he could just tell me that he wants me, he wants our marriage but he just isn't ready to come home yet, it would mean more than anything in the world.

I find comfort in his words. He tells me he loves me, he misses me, but then why won't he come home?

I'm just sad. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

[Brian in Hville]

DG...You can do DB for as long as you have love for him. But again, this is the time you need to focus on you. Work on your changes so that they can be permanent when he does come home. Are you doing you GAL??

[~¤DG¤~]

Yes, I am trying to GAL. I spend time with friends, my kids, etc.
I am really, really trying.

[Brian in Hville]

Keep it up DG...GALing will really help take your mind of things as well. Maybe we could grab a bunch of people one night and do a Skype call (can that do multiple people?). We can call it the DB party line! LOL

[jbnati]

DG, keep working on the GAL. I think it takes a little time to build some momentum, at least that was my experience. I didn't think my W even noticed (not that I was only trying to make her notice - I was doing it for myself - I will continue doing all this stuff, too, regardless of how this turns out in the end). Then one day, she starts acting very curious, and has been for the last couple of weeks.

So - give it some time. I really think with your pulling back and working on GAL, your H is going to begin to take notice. In other words, IMHO I think you're on the right track.

[~¤DG¤~]

It's really hard for him to notice when we are living in separate households right now and most of our communication is via text.

I guess I am confused and unsure what to do. On one hand I'm supposed to think positive and envision a life with my H, correct?
But then I am supposed to pull back, GAL and act like I'm moving on without him.
Can you see where my confusion lies?

[jbnati]

I think it makes it harder because you don't have kids together. However, he is texting you - and that's a good sign.

You do the GAL for YOU. You act like the you are moving on with OR without him.

Since you are living in separate households, it may actually be to your advantage. The next time he sees you, your changes are going to make a bigger splash because he not just seeing subtle changes here and there.

[verysad2day]

Living in different house MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE in the world, in my situation. While I was DB'ing for 4 months with him in the house, it took a toll on me. Now that he is out of the house(only for 4 days) he calls, comes over and acts like he is intrested in the relationship at least on some level. While we have no children, I still have his dogs.

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm just feeling negative today. I know we all have our bad days, and maybe today is one for me.

I am thankful I have my C appt tomorrow. I need it.

[jbnati]

VS2D - that's interesting - so you are saying when your H left the house, it seemed to make him more interested in working on the R? Sounds like out of sight, out of mind vs. absence makes the heart grow fonder.

DG - Hang in there! Sounds like you're on this same crazy roller coaster a majority of us here are on. Just know there are several people thinking about and praying for you.

[Brian in Hville]

It's very tough and confusing DG...The GAL is mainly for you though. You need this in your life. It is healthy. The side benifit is that he is seeing you have fun. Even if he isn't living with you, I promise you, he will know. My wife doesn't live with me but she knows.

[~¤DG¤~]

I am so appreciative for all the support and advice I have gotten from this board.
It is very much appreciated.
H called me a little bit ago and asked me to dinner on Thursday.

[Brian in Hville]

If you go, be the best you possible!

[jbnati]

This sounds like a big positive. Remember to approach cautiously. Don't try to make things happen too fast.

[~¤DG¤~]

I've already made myself a promise to not discuss our R at all.
He told me on the phone today that he is trying to get to know me again, and he doesn't want to rush things.
I need to quit worrying about the end result and just worry about now.
And yes, I need to keep working on me.

[jbnati]

Sounds like great news! And it sounds like you all have a great game plan.

[Brian in Hville]

I'll make sure to throw and extra couple of prayers for you on Thursday. Make us proud DG!!

[~¤DG¤~]

Thank you so much for the prayers. They are always ALWAYS appreciated.

[Very Confused]

Your sitch sounds so much like mine. My H just left on 4/2, but I had 2 months to detach while he was still living with me, so I'm not a total basket case at the moment. H stopped telling me he loved me the day before he dropped the bomb..all the way back in January. I feel that I can relate to you so much! The ups and downs; wondering what he is doing/feeling/thinking is what gets me. Oh, and I am a habitual phone record checker. I started checking in January and the longest I have gone without looking was 2 days. What has helped you stop checking?

Good luck with dinner on Thursday and please keep us posted! And I love the idea of a Skype call with a bunch of us on it!

[~¤DG¤~]

I had a great time last night with some girlfriends and it made all the difference in the world.
It was fun to go out, have dinner, and laugh. I haven't laughed like that in a long time.
Makes me feel good today. In much better spirits.

[~¤DG¤~]

Ok, new day new insecurity.
H is currently staying with a coworker, a female coworker.
He is staying on her couch. Am I stupid to believe that there isn't anything going on?
She is an older woman, about 15 years older and I really don't *think* he would do anything like that to me,
But then I think a man staying with a woman.....

I know he doesn't have many options because his family lives 3 hours away, but I am really really bothered by it.
And now he has a car he is using, and I'm afraid she bought it for him. Not as a gift, but as she paid for it and he is paying her back.

I have absolutely no basis for thinking this, these things just pop into my head and then I start to freak out.

[jbnati]

DG - I am sorry to hear about that. I don't blame you for not liking that one bit.

Over the last couple of weeks I have picked up a couple nuggets of wisdom on this forum when I was suspecting my W of an EA.
1. Don't assume your H is having an affair or not having an affair. Don't focus on that AT ALL.
2. How is this going to change your DB strategy? In my case, the answer was very little.

Hope that helps some.

JB

[~¤DG¤~]

Well honestly I don't know what it would change.

[~¤DG¤~]

I am so sick of this consuming my life! For 2 months now it's all I've lived and breathed and it is really taking it's toll on me.

[jbnati]

Just continue to work on your GAL. It will greatly improve your mental health, and from my experience, it will keep all of this from consuming your life so much, because other things are now consuming it. It also helps with being able to upbeat in your spouse's presence because you're excited about the things you're doing to GAL.

One thing my DB coach told me early on is he (in my case she) is not responsible for your happiness. You need to take that pressure off of him.

[~¤DG¤~]

You are right. Thank you for the advice.
I am happy when we are together, and I guess I am not doing enough GAL.

[Brian in Hville]

DG...only concentrate on the things YOU can control. You can't control his thoughts or behaviors.

This is something I ask myself so that I don't worry about what my W is doing. Would you be ok with your H doing whatever (anything) but knowing in the end, you will be together with a MUCH stronger marriage? That is how I think of things right now. It really helps me to be able to only concentrate on me and fix my problems. Whatever my W is doing doesn't matter right now. I either fix me or be prepared to suffer more pain in the future.

[verysad2day]

nice post

[~¤DG¤~]

Well, I had a good session with my C today.
That was exactly what I needed! I really got a lot out.
Shed quite a bit of tears, but left feeling refreshed and brand new.

She reminded me that nobody writes my story but me. And you know what? She's right.

[Brian in Hville]

You go girl!!!! That is the right attitude!

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---------

I should go see my C every day, because then maybe I would feel in control of my life.
I was more emotional today than I have been in weeks.
I admitted that as hard as I am trying to do things for me, I often feel like I am doing them for him.

And I'm waiting. And waiting.

And then my mind starts to wander, and then I start thinking irrational thoughts,
And they become real, and then I am upset and worked up over absolutely nothing. Just something that popped into my head.

I have to stop listening to the negative talk within myself.
I know that makes me sound like I hear voices in my head, but I don't.

She told me every time I start to feel negative, then I should start listing all the things I am grateful for.
At this rate, I'm going to be talking to myself all day long.

I know I've grown. I know I still have a long ways to go but I have also come a long way.
I didn't realize it until she started reading some notes she took from my first visit months ago.

I will be ok. Hopefully.

[Michael M]

Here is an exercise that my C taught me. Whenever I have problems with thinking about the future(anxiety) or how I could have changed the past(depression), just live in the here and now. Interact with it, notice it, look for details. It keeps your mind from wandering too far ahead or lagging in the past.

[~¤DG¤~]

You know, it could be because I am exhausted but I am confused about what you mean.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling-----

Was texting with H yesterday for a little bit, he was asking how my appt with C went, etc.
Then, he just stopped and I haven't heard anything since.
He has wished me goodnight every night for the past 2 weeks and he didn't even do that.
So now I don't know what to think. I sent him a text asking if I did something to upset him and didn't receive a response from that either.

I'm trying not to assume anything because I've always been wrong about them, but this freaks me out a little.
We are supposed to meet for lunch today and now I'm not sure if that is still happening or not.

I slep like crap last night being all worried about what all this could possibly mean.

[tank]

hi DG, finally finished rewading about your journey.

Be very careful with the text conversations. They leave to much to the imagination. Your not face to face, so you cant read body language, you dont know the true meaning behind them. If he stops texting, then you need to as well. By asking him if you upset him, you make yourself look needy etc. If he stops, you stop.

As for lunch, go about your day as normal, as if the plan is still in place. if he doesnt show up, have a good lunch. Dont let it bring you down.

You have done so well on your journey. Stay strong, you will become who YOU want to be.

[Michael M]

DG, what i meant was when you start getting those feelings, look at your surroundings and observe them. Pay attention to the minute details about them. It helps get your mind off from whatever you were thinking.

My observations about my area that I am in would be at the moment: The kids must have got up early because I have a lot of cleaning to do. There are cracker and popcorn crumbs spread in the house. In front of me is my computer desk. It has the computer monitor and keyboard on it. The Monitor is an ancient Gateway box monitor.

Also there is a spindle of CD's made by memorex. They are a matte silver with a shiny rim around them. The memorex is also silver. I also see a pair of toenail clippers that I forgot to put away yesterday. They are shiny with a curve at the end. That curve must help assist in turning the top part around.

There are more observations around me but I hope you get the point. Just pay attention to the here and now. Not the past or the future.

[~¤DG¤~]

Thanks Tank.

I have had friends tell me that I am sitting around and waiting for him.
I suppose in a way they are right. I don't mean I physically sit around because I don't, but I do constantly check my phone checking for texts, etc.

Yes...I am still entirely way too clingy. And I am realizing that the reason I am not feeling better is because I keep going back and doing what I keep saying I am done doing.

[jbnati]

Hey DG,
Don't read too much into the texts. Remember, you are working on yourself. You should want him, not need him. You should probably be careful about the follow-up texts.
I read something during the time we went to MC. There's a dynamic in relationship where one person has a fear of abandonment and the other has a fear of being consumed. When this dynamic gets out of balance, you start to have problems. It sounds like your H may have that fear of being consumed. Food for thought, for what it's worth.
I hope your lunch goes well today! I think it's a positive step! Just be patient and don't try to push too much.

[~¤DG¤~]

I have a MAJOR fear of abandonment and I have had that for years.
That is the main reason I am in C.

I just have to do something different. I keep doing what I say I'm not going to do.

[jbnati]

DG, I can resemble that remark about the fear of abandonment. And my WAW has a fear of being consumed.

I understand - it's very HARD to keep things in balance.

[~¤DG¤~]

Well, H sent me a text saying he wasn't feeling well and could we please reschedule lunch?
He said he went to bed super early last night and that is why he stopped texting, and he was sorry if he worried me, and that he loved me.

When I got that I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but then mad at myself for thinking "Oh good, he still loves me so now I'm ok."

I am way too codependent.

[jbnati]

Sounds positive, DG. Just keep working on yourself! Don't beat yourself up, either! The more you focus on working on yourself, the less you will worry about what he is doing or not doing.

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---------

I constantly wonder what he's doing or not doing.
I question if he's being honest, if he really does love me, if he really is being faithful.
All these "What If's" consume me!

I tell myself out loud "I can only control me" over and over again.
I honestly feel like I can't stop. No matter how many times I try.
I am self sabatoging myself, and that is what got me in this mess to begin with.
I pushed and pushed because I didn't have faith and I made my worst fear come true.

I have read the advice from wise DB's threads so many times I feel like I have them memorized.
Every time I read it I think "Yes! They are right! This is what I need to do!"

And then I don't.

I feel like someone who is struggling to lose weight. Eating a box of donuts and saying
"I'll start tomorrow."

My intentions are good, my emotions get the best of me.

[~¤DG¤~]

He called me at work just to say hi, that's a good step right?

I was upbeat and friendly, but told him I had to go because I was super busy. (Lie)
He said "Ok.....I love you."
I said "Love you too" and hung up.

Why does this make me feel worse?

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling again-----

Last night I went over to a friends after work for dinner and had a good time.
The weather was beautiful and we got out for a walk and it felt so good for my soul.

We discussed my sitch a little bit, and I realize that I have to take back the power that I have given my H regarding my happiness.
I need to find that within myself, and not base it on the state of my marriage.

I was reading another thread on here and someone (can't remember who) said blunty
"Stop being so concerned about your W's life and focus on yours."
And you know what....he was right.

I am going to really, really try.

[Busting Mode]

DG,

Just finished reading through your thread and wanted to share a couple of things that have been helping me deal with my insecurities.

The first thing is too be more aware of the words I am using. I'm very careful of using "universals" to describe things, especially the way that I define myself, other people, and the circumstances I am in:

Avoid saying things like:

I am "always" doing this.
I am feeling this "all" the time
It happens "everywhere."
"every" night
"every" day
with "every" one
I have "always" been.
He/She/It will "always" be.

Similarly, I don't like to limit things by saying things to myself like:

There is "no chance"
There is "no possibility"
I "can't do it"
I'm "not good enough."
It's "too hard".

Instead, I recognize remember that it is the words that I am using that are defining my experience. It is my words that is CREATING the meaning of the experience for me and there is always a choice about the meaning that I give to things.

Knowing this, instead of feeling like I am "in pain", I can consider that I am "doing" pain, and then I can ask myself what for?

Why would I just meanings that make me feel bad unless I feel like I deserve to be in pain?

I know it isn't always easy to rise above the drama, but every time I pause and take a breath to do do, I make myself feel better.

I remember I am confident and have control.

[Busting Mode]

I am going to really, really try.

TRY to put your hand up.

Did you do it yes or no?

There is no try.

Either you do it or you don't.

[Busting Mode]

wow. lot of typos in my response. sorry didn't edit it before posting.

[~¤DG¤~]

Busting...thank you so much for your words of wisdom.

[cat04]

DG,

I have read through your thread. A few things jump out at me right off the bat…

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that with all the people who do love me, I will never be alone.

DG—when you are happy with YOU, when you love and forgive yourself, when YOU can make yourself happy, then you will never be alone…

Even if there is not another soul walking the Earth…

Do NOT depend on other people for your happiness…

I know he doesn't want a D-at least right now but I don't feel like we are close to reconciling either.
I know I need to be patient, and I am trying my best to be, but this really [censored].
If he could just tell me that he wants me, he wants our marriage but he just isn't ready to come home yet, it would mean more than anything in the world.

I find comfort in his words. He tells me he loves me, he misses me, but then why won't he come home?

Reading through your thread…

I knew this was coming. He probably feels it too…

If he says that he wants to work on the M, gives you any encouragement at all, it won’t be enough for you…

Then the big question in bold will be asked…

DG, you have the right idea. You have a good intellectual grasp on what you should be doing. However I see very little in the way of you actually doing anything to try to change your behavior. I see you sitting and waiting to feel better. I see you sitting and waiting for HIM to do something to make you feel better.

Counseling is great, but it can become a crutch. You can talk until you are blue in the face…

Until you change your actions, your behaviors…NOTHING is going to be different…

DG, what are some concrete small actions that you can take to improve your life?

You may have had gastric bypass, but you are continuing to live as a person who is trying to lose weight without really doing anything to make it different…

[~¤DG¤~]

Cat...thank you for your response!
You are completely right, I am sitting around waiting for him and waiting to feel better.
Counseling has helped me tremendously, so I don't feel like it is a crutch for me.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure what concrete changes I can change, but I know something has to.
I am no longer checking cell phone records to see who he is talking to,
I am turning my phone off at night and with friends so I am not constantly checking my phone.

I do eat right and exercise.....

Any tips you have would be great.

[~¤DG¤~]

I can try to change my negative thinking, that would probably help, as well as stop obsessing about my marriage.

[jbnati]

DG -
What is something you really enjoy you haven't done for a long time? Is there anything you've always wanted to do but haven't?

Remember, this is just for YOU. Don't feel guilty about it, either. You are improving your own mental health.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hmmm....that's an interesting question.

I'm not quite sure, honestly.
I have wanted to try indoor rock climbing.
I'd like to buy a new bike and go biking. I love to bike. I have a second hand one that works I guess but I wouldn't feel comfortable going a long distance on it.
I am signed up to volunteer for a foster home for adults living with AIDS later this month....

[jbnati]

DG, Wow! Those ALL sound like excellent options! I've found the more I think it through, the more things I come up with. You should go out and do those things. It will put an extra bounce in your step. Plus - you won't be sitting at home beating yourself up. Once you start doing some of those things, you will spend at least some of your time thinking up more things to do.

[cat04]

I can try to change my negative thinking, that would probably help, as well as stop obsessing about my marriage.

This is an excellent step.

It is also easier said than done.

Goals of action, like biking, volunteering, rock climbing...

Having dinner with friends...

Are easier and a little bit more concrete.

The result of those sorts of thing, should eventually lead to the goal of stopping negative thinking or at least obsessing about your marriage. For the most part anyway.

A good reminder to help stop the negative self talk, is to wear a rubber band around your wrist. Snap it each time you have a negative thought. And change the thought to something positive. Sounds a little bit self punishing, and maybe it is, but you just might find that you want to avoid that pain enough to change your thoughts.

I think it is Grace over in MLC who describes this much better than I do.

Maybe someone around here can give you a better description. LOL

[♪CS♪]

A good reminder to help stop the negative self talk, is to wear a rubber band around your wrist. Snap it each time you have a negative thought.

I have read this before and I think it might be time I try it. It's either this, or carry a fork and stab myself in the leg...

[~¤DG¤~]

You know what? I'm going to get a rubber band today and put it on my wrist.

[~¤DG¤~]

Random thought:

Do any of you ever worry that the amount of time you spend away from your spouse might make you drift apart?

[JustStunned]

I've worn out rubber bands, but it works with the proper focus.

And for anger also, at least for me.

W and I are so far apart this is not a worry for me.

Spending time apart was not a source of problems for us, it was how we behaved when together.

A little distance, time apart can be a very good thing. It gives us a chance to beginning missing the contact. Missing not obsessing. One is healthy the other is not.

[Brian in Hville]

Random thought:

Do any of you ever worry that the amount of time you spend away from your spouse might make you drift apart?

Yes..But at the same time, what we had was broken.

[JustStunned]

Wow, 172 posts. You might want to begin a new thread lnking to this one. The mods like to keep them to around 100.

[cat04]

Dg,

Have you ever tried to hold a cat?

They can be all lovey dovey and then they decide they are done.

You keep trying to hold on, because you still want to pet them.

And they tear the skin off your arms trying to get away...

Until they are ready to come back around...

Same thing here...

[~¤DG¤~]

I didn't know there was a post limit. Thanks.