PINCH ME of HIT ME with a 2x4

[sandi2]

Nine, the reason I haven't replied is b/c I really don't know how to give you the positive advice I'm sure you want to hear. I will be honest with you, as always, and tell you what I see based on the posts you've written.

Sadly, I believe your W has a mental health problem. She has been very depressed for a long time and had to go to the hospital and threaten suicide. She wants something to make her happy. Happiness was what she was seeking when she got involved with OM. Then she's back and forth with the R with you. She says one thing and then goes back on it. She doesn't know what she wants.

I can tell you what she wants....she wants whatever she doesn't have at the time. She thought OM would make her happy and it didn't. Instead of her learning to be happy with herself, she starts all the suicide talk again. Gets your undivided attention and in the same call, the two of you start talking about getting back together. One problem.....she can't totally give up OM and give 100% to working on M. She doesn't want it or she would have kick OM to the curb that night! Open your eyes and see that she is no where ready to come back to you and work on the M.

Here's your problem. You think if she'll just come back home that everything will be good. You'll have your family back! In reality, she won't be there a week until she'll be thinking she's made a mistake and this isn't making her "happy". Nothing is going to make her happy! She will keep changing her mind and reaching for something else. She needs a doctor and lots of counseling before she goes back into the M.

She was waving red flags all over the place....even when her mother passed away. But you refused to see it. Anytime a woman will go meet with her lawyer to sign final papers for legal S.....the day after her mother dies....is not ready to R in her M.

So, be by her side while she buries her mother (if she wants you there), but it is not the time to be discussing the R.

If you really love this woman, and I think you do, you'll encourage her to get under the care of a psychiatrist and wait until she is mentally strong enough to know what she truly wants. If you pursue with anything....it should be that. After she gets a lot better, then the two of you need to be in a pro-marriage counseling program. I don't think your R stands a chance without it. JMHO.

I do believe that she can be healed with the right medication and psychology. But I think it will take a long time before she can make it in a M again.

You can chose to be a friendd and give her support to get mentally stronger, but I would strongly advise you to stop pressing her about moving back home.

I think her mood swings affect your own emotions so much and her mental state keeps you so pulled down that neither of you can be as strong for the other as needed. I'm not telling you to give up (that's your decision)but I'm telling you that she doesn't need to enter back into a MR with you right now. Maybe some day.

((hugs))

[ninelives]

Thanks everybody. I do really appreciate the advice and support.

What a great site. Really.

Sandi2, I thought you had foresaken me but I really appreciate your advice and your straight from the hip approacha and I always have. Not always been great at following advice but always read it and pondered it.

I MUST take your advice to the letter. HIt me with a mountain of 2x4's till it finally gets ingrained in this thick Greek Skull.

You are ofcourse 100% right. I MUST ignore all realationship talk for quite awhile. IF she came back , she would be unhappy instatnly and question whether she is doing the right move.

I think she will regret this someday but that may be when she is older and hopefully wiser. She did break up a great family and a man that loved her deeply. She knows that but it isnt enough for her. Wonder what makes her tick?

I suppose for now that I will be by her side for the next little while then I will have to be indifferent for my own survival,not to be vindictive.

I cant see her or talk to her for some time until I can look at her and be IDK, apathetic or strive for that.

I know it will be difficult and it will take me some time to get there but detachment and GAL, for me is what I must strive for.

Wish me luck and thanks again Sandi, you are a saint with the wisdom of Athena, (staying with that Greek theme)

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[ninelives]

5 am and not sleeping again. Great , back to that pattern,

Ive been off the sleeping pills for some time now but I may have to go back again. PISSER

So what is my plan after the dust settles from her mom's death?

I can stay in the friend zone as long as she is done with OM but if she contiues, how can I be supportive?

Can I get some advice on this please? If I stay in the friend zone then, isnt she cake eating?

Do i go back to being dark and detaching and just hoping she will get the required help and get healthy.

I havent been this confused for a few months now. I mean I thought that we were done pure and simple and that she was just moving on with OM and just had traces of regret.

I think the most consistent thing she says is that she wants her family in tact at times but wants to be free as well.

She cant have it both ways. I believe Sandi is right when she says that W wants what she cant have at the moment.

So after some time passes from her tragedy, do I just go dark and not speak to her on the phone anymore, just go back to texting when the kids are involved.

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[sandi2]

According to what you've written, it sounds as if your W wants you to be available for her to vent about how her life [censored]. She's looking for a temporary band-aid to make her boo-boo feel better.

I have a feeling that OM doesn't put up with hearing all her woes. He's there for the good time only. So, she turns to you in her low moods, and to OM for the highs. Has she ever been diagnosed as bi-polar?

As for standing by her side during this time with the funeral, etc., I kind of think she'll let you know if she wants you with her or not. But as unstable is she is right now, and for the sake of your children....I think you should be available.

I think it's best to put any thoughts of R aside. You need to see her like you would see a sick patient. Don't make any rash decisions and don't let her talk you into anything. But if she takes a nose dive, somebody needs to get her to the hospital.

During the days that follow the funeral, somebody probably needs to keep close contact with her. Does her sister live close?

Tell me again the ages of your children, please. Why do you need to send TM back and forth about them?

[ninelives]

To address some of the things in order:

Actually , the OM caters to her every whim and listens to everything she says. Thats how it all got started on facebook.
She actually told me that he also takes care of things in a timely fashion like the headlight of her van. I wasnt very good about things like that so, He is trying like crazy to be there for her. He has very low self esteem and grew up in a really bad family in this town. His dad was the town bum, literally eating out of dumpsters at times and collecting beer bottles and being passed out in ditches. Their family name is synonymous to the lowest of families in this town.

She told me that she was diagnosed with Bi-polar and then quickly told me that she wasnt. Almost like a bad SNL skit.
She said that she didnt want that getting around so she said that she wasnt. Trouble is , I dont know what the truth is. She may have been diagnosed but she may also be using that diagnoses as a crutch for her actions. IDK.

Her sister is 23 years older than her and was very close to their mother. She is actually take the death very hard and is using my W for support more than the other way around. Her sister, surprise surprise, is also very unstable mentally.
And yes, we all live very close to each other. My town has a population of 1500 people.

My kids are 11 and going to be 16. We text when it comes down to little things concerning the kids, like work schedule for her, hockey games etc...

Oldest son wants very little to do with her right now as he knows about her relationship with OM and her affair.
(He overheard the night I found out as I wasnt able to keep my voice down when I discovered it on her blackberry)

I guess thats about it. I know you are right about any thoughts of R.

It always boggles my mind how people can function in our society with such mental illness and seem normal for the most part.

Thanks again Sandi.

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[ninelives]

just got back from being with her at her sisters again. There were some positives but i know there is no recon in the near future or if ever.

I cried with her a few times and I hugged her but there really wasnt a solid hug back.
She rubbed my back a few times and we shared a cigarette.
She wrote the obituaries and asked if it was ok that she put my name in brackets after her name.

But there is this air of coldness around her that I recognize that doesnt seem to be warming up.

It just makes me very sad and when I am around her, I feel like we do belong together as a couple and she brought out a lot of old pictures that made me feel like we were good together but I know it doesnt matter what I think.

BTW, while I was in therapy this morning, she texted me a few times asking where I was and if we could be together with the boys and then she quickly added that it would be good for me as well to be with the family.

Then she became almost mean. She said " I am having my ups and downs by the way, thanks for asking" ( Total sarcasm)

I wrote back, I am in a session right now, I am trying to be succint. She wrote back sorry.

Like I have said before, it doesnt take much to set her off.

She also mentioned today when we were on the deck that she feels like she contributed to her mother's death by making her worry for the last year and a bit because of what she has done.

I didnt respond to that because I also feel that she made so many people's lives very unhappy in the last year in quest for her to find her happiness.

She was not a good daughter and when she did visit her mom, she did it begrudgingly . She now was playing the pity me card.

Oh well, but i cant take being close to her for much longer as my longing for her and our family increases so much when I am near her. I dont know why I love her so much. But i do.

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[♪CS♪]

I can't even really imagine how hard this is for you, going through all of this top of your situation. Just be the rock right now, that is what she needs, nothing more.

If there is a chance at recon in the future, it's best to be put on hold until after the death of her mother passes for a while.

You actually sound really good today. Keep up the strength and things will improve, one way or another.

[ninelives]

Thanks Country, and it isnt easy. Its just so strange. All this Dbing and what I somtimes think is that WTF. Here we are in a room with the people that we have been around for the last 20 years, and our children are there and SHE just cant see what is important.

What life is really all about. Its not about going out and making life so tough and what effing once in a while because its exciting and new. When you take stock of your life when you age, I think you look back and say. Yes I did that right and I am proud of that. But what will she see when she looks back?

I know this will weigh on her for years to come and maybe for the rest of her life but I guess thats her choice in the end.

Ofcourse if she was soooo unhappy that she couldnt stand it, then maybe she will think that she made the right choice.

Thanks again for all the support on this board. It really is a godsend.

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[ninelives]

Another hour and a half in the torture chamber. Had a few good laughs with her, no hugs initiated by me at all. We didnt hang out that much, just a little here and there and we went out for a smoke together. I dont usually smoke but I have just had a drag of two from her cig and it actually made me feel better.

She said, i never thought Id see the day where you smoke, but again, its just for a little company and to calm me down a bit even though I know cigarettes are a stimulant.

She wants to go out to her nephews tomorrow. She is including me in every function and I caught her looking at me and smiling when I told a couple of jokes tonight to lighten the mood. She always looked at me to provide comic relief at social gatherings and I think thats something that drew her to me.

Again, dont worry sandi and others , I am not deluding myself into thinking there is recon around the corner but she must be seeing who I am again. I got my hair cut again and am looking like the man she married, I let my hair grow out for some reason , I guess my mid life crisis and although she told me it was sexy and she liked it, she told me a few months ago that she hated my long hair.

Anyway, these outings are really tough on me. As I mentioned earlier I am having so much trouble not wanting us back together and picturing that with our children. She must be seeing glimpes of that life we used to have and it MUST be confusing her even more but that is pure speculation on my part.

As I left tonight, she BTW, confided in me alone that she wants to sleep in her mother's bed tonight and asked me if that was wierd. I said, no, whatever it takes for you to get through this should be no concern to anyone.

As I left, she pulled me in for a decent hug. No expectations but she makes that tough for me. I am just being there for her and thats all.

I think when this is over, I have to pull back again; especially if she is still with OM.

Well hope I get some sleep tonight because I have another round of this tommorrow.

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[sandi2]

Where has OM been during this time?

I'm glad you are trying to tell yourself to pull back as soon as this is all over. But, you are so emotionally attached. You evaluate the hugs, etc. I see almost every LBH doing that before he detaches. You won't do that once you're not so focused on her and how it affects the R. You won't do it mainly b/c that will not be the center of your thoughts, your plans, or your future. She will not be the center of your desire the way she is right now.