Hi - this is my first post. My husband is having an affair - started June 2010. I found out oct 10. We have 3 young children. I forgave home when I found out and we agreed to try again. Since then we have had periods when I think all is ok but then after a few weeks I find out he is still ringing her and seeing her. I don't want to loose him but I cant cope. I saw a txt from her on his phone a couple of days ago. He admitted to still seeing her & said he loves her not me & wants to be with her & eventually live with her. I feel devastated. I can't eat or sleep. I've been getting anxiety attacks & the last 2 nights got really upset. I went to dr today for some ADs to try & help me cope. He says he is not moving out yet & still cares about me but is going to keep seeing her. What should I do? I can't cope with my job & kids alone. Money is very tight too, I can't afford telephone coach - please someone tell me how I save my marriage. X
He is being really cold with me - he seems to want to avoid contact as much as possible. I have told him that I love him and want us to stay together but he says that he doesn't think he wants that and is staying to help me through it. We sleep in the same bed but he does not want physical contact. Should I ask him to move into spare room or even move out? It feels like this really is the end this time.
Hi - thanks for replies. I have read lots on this forum but not always sure how to apply to my situation. My h seems so intent that he does not want to be with me but loves OW. I find it so hard living with him knowing he is seeing her / phoning her / texting her etc but showing no affection to me. Part of me wants him to move out so I don't have to see him as much but then I know this would upset kids. I think he is biding his time to move out until he / she feels ready. When I see him I just want to put my arms round him & tell him I love him. We still sleep in the same bed which is difficult - I want to cuddle up at night. I am not sure if I should ask him to sleep in spare room - in some ways it would be easier but I don't want to push him further away. I am dreading this weekend as we will be spending more time in the house together - I don't want to appear cold or make him think I am 'over him' as I think then he will just leave but he seems to resent me doing any nice things. I also am beginning to feel angry with him for what he is doing to me & kids when I feel that I have made so much effort to save our marriage.
With the 180s I don't know what to do. Over the past 6 months I have tried to do various things differently. He used to say that I never initiated sex so I started to do this, although we are not having sex anymore now. But when I did initiate he made me feel like he was doing me a favour by making love. I used to work a lot in the evenings which I stopped completely. I have started going out on my own and arranging dates for me & h - both of which weren't happening before! I am not sure what else to try.
I am wondering that if he moved out would he then miss me or would it just be easier for him to see her. He seems to think he could have a closer / better relationship with her than me .
I don't know whether to just cut him loose and stop investing time & energy in trying to get him back ........but I do love him and believe that family is important.
Crossroads, This is the only place I say Welcome, sorry you are here. You'll find your posts are slow to show up. Everyone is in full moderation at first.
Like tank posted obtain a copy of divorce busting or the newer one divorce remedy. Read other threads and post as often as you can.
I think this is what tank referred to. These have been posted many times I copied these from one of Denver's posts.
Originally Posted By: Denver
Here ya go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Read the DB and DR book! I have been there before. My H did (and is still doing) the same - EA, refused to stop contact, is still in touch with OW. I did all the same things - beg, plead, not eat, anxiety. Felt like dying. But right now, I have been able to somewhat go on with life, and it gets better with time. It is a roller coaster though.
You have children, so please take care of yourself for your kids. He is still home and does not want to leave, so you have a lot of positives.
One of the things that helped me is the knowledge that most affairs don't last forever.
For now, take a deep breath, and do not do anything drastic or impulsive.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
There are a lot of people here on the board that know exactly how you are feeling right now. You can get through and hopefully your M will be saved, if that's what you want.
But first, you must realize that you cannot discuss the problems in the R with your H at this time. I know you're wondering how things will be corrected if not discussed, but we learn in DBing that it is our changes that influence the MR. When you need to vent or ask questions then come here instead of confronting H.
One of the worst things you might do is act like the desperate LBW. That is very unattractive to men. A self-confident woman is what will attract the man. Therefore, you have to stop with any whining, clinging, and needy behavior. Act as if you have had an awaken and you are moving forward. You've been given a long list of 180's you can work on, beginning right now.
This all may sound like a lot of "fluff", but if you'll follow the DB advice, your life can be so much better.
So, pull yourself together, and start eating and sleeping again! Get outdoors and walk. You have to take care of you!
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Above all, try and not make the same mistakes over and over. I am the world champion of that despite being reasonably intelligent. Please listen to Sandi and some of the vets, to the letter.
Devise a strategy that when your emotions get the better of you, find a way to turn them off and stick to the DB principles.
Thats the best advice I can give you. Emotions are your worst enemy and will make you do and say things that are very counterproductive.
All the best
9 BITS
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
