still lost and still searching 2

[tank]

Probably best that you can't read minds. It might leave you more confused. lol [/quote]

I agree withthat statement

Today was another funny day. I apologize for the lengt of this post, but i am looking for some feedback on my current situation. I did slide backwards a bit, but youknow what, i am doing pretty good i think so im not going to beat myself up about it. So here goes.

[tank]

S9 wanted to go to Meemas house tonightfr a visit. So i sentmy wife atext last night asking her to drop him off after her visit with the kids. She didnt respond until this morning. Here is my day f conversations.

W: Sorry i havent gotten back 2 you I have had a headache and just realized my phone was dead. I will take evan to moms.

M: k, well evan is askng me to take him to moms, he doesnt wnt to go to ur place. I told him he has all day to think about it.

w: Well D7 told us both that S9 doesnt like OM and is only nice 2 him because he has 2 be, sams the only person my dad hates. And after not being trusted with D7, OM wants me 2 goback 2 having my visits elsewhere so i can see all my kids.

M: what am I supposed to say to that? I am not, and I mean not saying OM wouldhave done anything inappropriate, but i do not trust him, i know to much and D7 well being is not an issue i will take a risk on. I will never speak nice of OM, I will not sugar coat it to my kids. i dont have to. OM has done nothing for this famly. So if thats how evan feels, then i will talk to him again. As for OM,well tell him to suck it up, he chose to have an affair with a married women with 4 kids, he chose to let you live at his house, so this is the territory he chose o be in. next time he migt choose someone without kids and a 230lb gorilla of a husband.

W: you only know what you were told by your lawyer and your investigators. and its not because he does not want the kids here its because he wants me 2 see them and he knows they dont come because of him.

M: yup, whatever u need to tell urself to make u believe it. the kids dont go there cause, they are sick of sleeping on the floor, being in a small house where they are afraid to be themselves and trying to like someone who helped rip their lives apart and took th one person they always thought they would have around them, away. I really dont want to fight about this. even if you have your visits elsewhere, i cant guarantee they will go. W u cannot put this on me,and ifyou expect me to except OM, or are hoping i ever will and that's why your being nice to me, then lets stop this righ now. that will never happen, i am about keeping my family together and not tearing it apart.

W: welll why are you being nice to me? for the family?

M: I am being nice to you because I miss you, cause i never had secrets from you, cause i told you everything, and i miss that. I miss my best frien. thats why i am beingnice. its not for anyone else, its for that reason. its not for the kids, or the family, its for me.

W: None of this has to do with why i am being nice to you, i want us to get along for us and for no other reason.

M: Well, i will have another talk with S9 for you.

W: you haveuncovered all this about OM past, why wont you or your lawyer share them with me? I am not fighting about this, i just would like to know what you do.

M: W, i will not get into a slam fest about OM with you. You have made it clear you dont believe my sources, you dont trust L (lawyer) and what they have tosay. all that is important is that this man repeated his pattern and interfered with a marriage. He contributed to te break up of a family and now 4 kids dont see their mom every day. Thats all i really need to know. Thats all that needs to be said. You made yor decision a year ago, it didnt matter to you then, so it shouldnt matter to you now.

W: I would like to know

M: I have spent all the time i want to waste talking about OM. He is whoever you want him to be. Nothing i say or do will changethat. I am moving on, with or withut you.

W: I get that you have moved on, I see that. I will figure out my visitation situation on my own.

M: We are not even talking onthe same page, i meant that i was moving past the OM conversation. Until you put me befoe a judge for a divorce, you are still my wife and you will always be welcome.

W: Can I take sophie again with the kids tonight?

M: Yes you can take her

W: thankyou

so I wasnt home when she dropped off the 2 kids that went with her, but the kids called me, and said mom was very stressed out and very upset about something. I fgured its her court date next week. so i sent this text.

M: I am going o regret this im sure. Would you like me to drop sophie off t u tomorrow fo the weekend?

W: That woul be awesome, what time? Why the change of heart?

M: When i get there, i am worred aboutyou and i know you are stressed, andnext to walking with me, this is the best i can do. o i am trying to let you have something to relieve your stress.

W: Thank you verymuch for caring. I appreciate it.

So once again, sorry for the long post, but i wanted to put it word for word on here, so i can get some opinions an idea about this sitution. I know i screwed up, but im only human

[LITB]

I thought you did relatively well throughout the convo Tank.

Is what you uncovered about OM enough to cast any doubt in her mind about R with him? She's obviously wondering what kind of skeletons are in his closet. Will it be enough to swing the pendulum? Who knows? Depends on what kind of dirt you have. IDK. I'd be curious to know what others think.

I know in my sitch, one of my friends let me know that he found out the OM was talking to other women. I let my W know about it. It didn't change anything immediately, but it made her feel uneasy enough that she confronted him. Their R never went beyond the EA that OM had hoped. I know it wasn't all because of the info I had on him, but I'm sure it didn't help his cause.

[tank]

hey everyone,

its been a crazy week. things seem to be progressing alone nicely. OM is still being an idiot and hasnt fixed his truck yet. So i drive the kids to see there mom. I do charge my wife $20 bucks a roundtrip for this.

She has said some interesting things to me over the last week. I m going to share one text in particular with you guys.

M: what is going on tonight? is the truck fixed, r u picking them up, am i driving them?

W: the truck is not fixed

M: U have got to be kidding me! when did you start being the quiet type and not pushing to get things done?

**it took her 20 mins. and this is her reply

W: Its not my car, its not my house, i have no say whatgets done, one day when i get my sh#$ together and get my own place i can make these decisions, and yes, i do want to get my on place and yes he wants me 2 as well, but i need a better job or another job first.

So that kinda took me by surprise, i didnt discuss it and just dropped the kids off that night.

Friday was her second court date. She again didnt want me to go with her, i assumed it was because OM was going to take her. Well it turned out that he didnt. She was stressed out and asked if she could have the night to herself and if i would drop the kids off on saturday. I said that she had to tell the kids.

So after 10 mins of her talking with my crying D7 she asked to speak with me. She was in tears as well. She was really upset. I asked her what was wrong and she told me everything, she said she hates what has become of her life, that she has to go back to court in 2 weeks again, and the anxiety is really getting to her.

I started with her court, i told her she needed friends and family who would support her, and she knew i was mad the OM didnt go, but i kept it simple, said i would take her next time and i would book the date off of work on monday. She had no objection.

She has to get a letter from the funeral home providing the date of her grandmothers funeral as that was the reason she used for missing her first court date. I told her i would call on Monday, have them write a letter and she could pick it up on her day off next thursday.

She was crying on the phone the entire time. After i had told her this, i then started to talk to her about her anxiety. I told her a couple o techniques to help with it. I talked calmly with her until she had relaxed a bit. We then just talked about the kids and the dog and the up coming summer plans.

I told her she needed to go for a long walk (one of her favourite things to do) then come ohome have a hot bath and go to bed. She agreed. We said goodbye. She did text me on her walk, thanking me for the support and helping her to feel better.

The best part about this conversation, while she was crying to me on the phone, OM was watching a hockey game and yelling at the tv in the background. Made me feel good that he didnt care about her current emotional state.

[tank]

Well, today i followed up with my promise to wife about contacting the funeral home to get her a letter regarding the date of he grandmothers funeral. She asked if i had done i and I told that it should be ready for he to pick up on friday and that i would confirm with them onthursday.

She thanked me and that was it for our interaction.

It was a rough weekend. Only 2 kids went to there mothers and when they came hoe, S13 seemed in a funk. So much so he didnt go to school today, and when i triedto talk to him, he said he had a headache and wasnt feeling well.

I told him i was here if he wanted to talk.

Now i keep a calander of events and i went over this calander for the last year. After every visit, one of the kids that went to moms stayed home sick the following moday.

I have named this trend MMS (missing mommy syndrome). I am taking all the kids for their yearly checkup tomorrow and i will bring it up with the doctor to get his opinion on how to proceed with it. They are obviously missing mom, and it hurts them to leave her on Sunday night. I have told the FT so we ca discuss it at our next session as well.

[tank]

Ok, I took a big risk and i think it might be paying off. my wife has mentioned in a few conversations about her wanting to get her own place and how om wants this as well.

I offered her to move into the spare room. I did tell her this was for our children and our financial situation. She would not be coming home to work on the marriage but to raise our children and to keep all that we have worked for in the last 10 years.

I sent this in an eail, not knowing when she would get it as she hardly ever checks her email.

Today i get a text from her "iwant you to know i read your email and am seriously considering your offer.....will need a little time though."

I didnt know what to say and this is what came out. "Take all the time you need. This is not something to decide quickly."

So i did put myself out there, but i think it might have been the push she needed. Now the trick is to lay low, see what she does. If she comes home, it will be extremely hard not to try and work on things, but baby steps. I will keep working on me and see what she does.

I feel that this board is getting very quiet, like people are not reading or supporting me. But i keep writing as it helps me.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi Tank-

I'm here....but I'm pretty new to the boards so I had to get caught up on your sitch.
It sounds like your W has been going through a lot lately, and I think you are handling it quite well.
As a woman and a M I can't imagine how your w must be feeling now with everything so out of control.
I'd be upset if that is what became of my life also.

I think your strategy is good-you put the offer out there and now you are just laying low and waiting for her response and not being pushy.
Very, very good move on your part.
You seem like a really nice guy who is an amazing Dad. Your kids are very lucky.

[tank]

well, my wife asked me to send her an email outlining my thoughts on co-habitation. I thought about what to say and below please read what i sent her. I felt i had to be honest to her about why i am entertaining this idea. It might backfire, but my hope is that it wont.

EMAIL I SENT HER

The most obvious is that you are not interested in working on our marriage, therefore all contracts and agreements are still in force.

Financially, I would like you to pay the gas bill and the hot water tank monthly and contribute to groceries.
The big one for you would be that you are not allowed to have your boyfriend etc at the house at any time. This is not a landlord/tenant agreement. This is for our children’s well being and so we don’t lose everything we have built in the last 10 years.

As for your work, we will have to work out arrangements for me to drive you too work. I can either pick you up in the morning or you can go to your boyfriends house and he can drive you home etc. Whether it would be a tank of gas a month or something, I’m sure we can figure it out.

If you ever get your license back we will have to make arrangements for you to pay insurance etc. for the blazer as the Grand Prix is now my work vehicle.

We will have to sit down and discuss parenting methods in the house to be used on a daily basis. My thought were that on Your visitation times, you would take care of the kids and I would do so the rest of the time. We cannot in any way shape or form argue ever in front of the kids. If one of us has a problem with what the other is doing, we need to talk calmly about it and outside of the home. I will tell you that on the days, I am responsible for the children, you have no obligations to participate with the family, but I welcome you to do so and will not exclude you.

One note, my home is smoke and drug free this includes my vehicles and my garage, so you will have to smoke outside and smoke pot elsewhere.

Please think about what you hope to accomplish out of this arrangement. If you can emotionally detach yourself to handle the situation. My reasoning behind this is to provide my children with both parents on a daily basis. That means sacrifice from me and you to make sure they have the best environment we can provide. I will tell you this, just cause I am resigning myself to this arrangement does not change my opinion that I do want our marriage. I will not confront you or invade your personal space in any way shape or form unless invited to do so, but it is only honest that I tell you I hope that one day we can fix our differences and reconcile them.

That all being said, if your still interested in seeing if this is a viable option for you, then mark down your questions and might I request a time from you that we can sit down for coffee in a couple of weeks. Preferably not in the morning after you have worked all night. Mid day or afternoon on one of your days off.
END OF EMAIL

So please read this and post if i am on track here or if you think i am totally crazy with this idea.

[tank]

DG, thank you for your response and support. I will read up on your situation and if i can offer any help i will do so gladly.

[Starsky309]

I think it's a very good e-mail, and a perfectly reasonable request, IF you want to try this arrangement. I'm still skeptical that it can work, but to try to make it work WITHOUT such a concrete arrangement would be sheer folly.

Starsky