PINCH ME of HIT ME with a 2x4

[ninelives]

Another hour and a half in the torture chamber. Had a few good laughs with her, no hugs initiated by me at all. We didnt hang out that much, just a little here and there and we went out for a smoke together. I dont usually smoke but I have just had a drag of two from her cig and it actually made me feel better.

She said, i never thought Id see the day where you smoke, but again, its just for a little company and to calm me down a bit even though I know cigarettes are a stimulant.

She wants to go out to her nephews tomorrow. She is including me in every function and I caught her looking at me and smiling when I told a couple of jokes tonight to lighten the mood. She always looked at me to provide comic relief at social gatherings and I think thats something that drew her to me.

Again, dont worry sandi and others , I am not deluding myself into thinking there is recon around the corner but she must be seeing who I am again. I got my hair cut again and am looking like the man she married, I let my hair grow out for some reason , I guess my mid life crisis and although she told me it was sexy and she liked it, she told me a few months ago that she hated my long hair.

Anyway, these outings are really tough on me. As I mentioned earlier I am having so much trouble not wanting us back together and picturing that with our children. She must be seeing glimpes of that life we used to have and it MUST be confusing her even more but that is pure speculation on my part.

As I left tonight, she BTW, confided in me alone that she wants to sleep in her mother's bed tonight and asked me if that was wierd. I said, no, whatever it takes for you to get through this should be no concern to anyone.

As I left, she pulled me in for a decent hug. No expectations but she makes that tough for me. I am just being there for her and thats all.

I think when this is over, I have to pull back again; especially if she is still with OM.

Well hope I get some sleep tonight because I have another round of this tommorrow.

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