H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Alb, you are a very wise woman. I understand what you are saying, and more than that, I admire that you can walk the talk.

Its not that I don't know what is wrong with me. One of the things that this sitch has taught me is to search my soul, look at myself in the mirror and see what is wrong with me. Even if H tried to let me off the hook (as you see from the title of my thread), I know my part that is contributing to the ongoing deterioration of my M.

However, realization is somewhat ahead of actualization.

In my M, I know that I did not show my respect to my H in ways he appreciated, that I was used to being the dominant one, that I demanded love and affection instead of looking to see why he did not give it, I used hurting words many times which did not grow the love but instead killed it and hurt it. I did not appreciate his love language. Honestly, I was the miserable one for a while, ready to give up on our M, and he was the one who used to remind me of our vows. Until a year before the bomb when I learned to settle down, learned to appreciate his love language, but maybe at that point, I had changed but it was too little, too late.

many of my changes are done, Alb. I am in many ways now the woman he wanted me to be. And he knows that, that is why he has let me off the hook. He realized that all his accusations about me were all about the past, and one day told me that I am no longer all of that, and that he realized that he was just justifying his actions by blaming me. That at this point, it is him to blame, it is he who has changed, who no longer feels love for me, and who has fallen for another woman. He is miserable because he cannot live with the guilt caused by the pain he is inflicting on me and D12, but also because he knows (for some reason, only known to him) that he cannot also succeed with OW.

My struggles now are what I am doing to save myself, the changes I need to do to cope with the world and with the sitch.

I know I have to rid myself of the anger, the resentment. I have been partially successful, I would say about 80%, but when it hits me, oh boy! It is strong.

I have to detach. Many days I do fine but especially after trips, or extended periods together, or for example the holidays, I think my heart gets stripped of the wall of detachment and starts going along with the tide, the roller coaster, the reactionary way.

I have to shut my mouth when I feel a guilt trip statement coming up, or a desire for R talk, or for reassurance, or to express my love. I know all these just lead to making the situation worse.

And we all know that to love and care is to lay open your heart to pain. Uconditional love, Agape, is the Lord's alone. BUt can we take that away that easily? When I was young, I would fall in love, then meet a new person and it was easy to forget. But not after I finally committed myself to my H, when we have a child together. Sometimes I see many posts where the LBS has decided not to care anymore. But I ask you, is that something we can just stop doing?

When it gets hard to do, the advice I have had from this site is "fake it until you make it", and so I try to do that. Go home and be upbeat, bright and sunny even if it kills you.

I cannot go up to H and just explode, accuse him of being selfish (accepted to be a condition seen in MLC'ers) or illogical. I am sure I will have a rain of 2x4's if I did that.

What else does the inner me want to do: I want to bring D12 with me and escape, go home to my home country where my parents and his relatives are, and just be able to feel the encompassing warmth of the love of the extended family, and just forget that H ever hurt me. But I can't do that either.Legally or humanely, that is not an option.

Do I make sense? Or have I turned into an illogical MLC'er myself?