I just had a wonderful session with Jody. I will try to post about it in the next couple days. At least some of the points could apply to you as well. Wish I could have you over to my house to chat........
I may be wrong, but your post makes it sound as though you and your H may be in the process of laying the foundation for moving to a new and deeper level in your R..........possibly a level that you haven't been to before???????? It sounds as though you are having trust issues right now and that is VERY understandable. The OW is present now,........ but that doesn't mean she will be present 1 week, 2 weeks, or 3 weeks from now. You have set a boundary. That is a healthy thing to do if you want your R with H to have a firm foundation in the future. When you communicate with H in the future, please do so in a kind manner and give yourself a minimum of 24-48 hours before making significant moves in your R with H so that you are not reacting from an emotional place.
When you told H you wouldn't contact HIM, did you leave it open for him to contact YOU? How did H react when you told him that?
This is a very important time in this process for both of you. You have been very patient for so long..........Can you be patient awhile longer? If you knew that by being patient you might have the M and life you have been working so hard for, could you be patient a bit longer?
I just had a wonderful session with Jody. I will try to post about it in the next couple days. At least some of the points could apply to you as well.
I will look forward to reading what you post. I think Jody offers really sound suggestions and advice.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
Wish I could have you over to my house to chat........
Careful what you wish for GAG. I'm just checking the flights now!!!
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I may be wrong, but your post makes it sound as though you and your H may be in the process of laying the foundation for moving to a new and deeper level in your R..........possibly a level that you haven't been to before????????
I didn't really post the conversation because it was too long and complicated. Our dinner lasted 7 hours and we probably spent 4 of those in really meaningful conversation. I couldn't believe the depth of his conversation with me. This has to have been a real turning point and definitely a point for the future, especially the shared acknowledgement that we didn't communicate well enough.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
It sounds as though you are having trust issues right now and that is VERY understandable. The OW is present now,........ but that doesn't mean she will be present 1 week, 2 weeks, or 3 weeks from now. You have set a boundary. That is a healthy thing to do if you want your R with H to have a firm foundation in the future.
We have spoken and it is agreed that it is just one day at a time from here on in and slowly, slowly. My issues are not so much the patience but the issue that he is with ow and if I go out with him/become intimate am I not just being an ow? I don't want that and I don't want to be that although technically we are still married!!
I've told H that I am not prepared to just be the ow. He agrees with this but I think he will take a while before he has the confidence to get rid of ow. He needs to be sure that things between us are fairly certain. I remember this with Dia, as well.
So after speaking with H I've revised that aspect and I will enjoy time with him but the boundary is around the physical while he is with ow.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
When you communicate with H in the future, please do so in a kind manner and give yourself a minimum of 24-48 hours before making significant moves in your R with H so that you are not reacting from an emotional place.
This is such great advice. I have left myself in a vulnerable position cos it moved just too fast and then I went into panic mode, expecting H to run straight back to ow.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
When you told H you wouldn't contact HIM, did you leave it open for him to contact YOU? How did H react when you told him that?
He replied and said that I should be calm about it all. He told me he enjoyed my company the last two nights and all would be ok. He said I had to be patient.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
This is a very important time in this process for both of you. You have been very patient for so long..........Can you be patient awhile longer? If you knew that by being patient you might have the M and life you have been working so hard for, could you be patient a bit longer?
Very good question GAG. Yes, I can be patient a bit longer. Perhaps this is all unfolding as it should. I have taken on some fear and guilt about it.
I have just spoken to H as D is coming back today and H was offering to go and collect her. He said he would call in when he brought her home.
H told me that he cares for me and he wants to take things slowly and he is open to us going out. I was clear that I am not an ow and I will not sneak around or be a once a week partner. He is happy to do things together but he can't make promises(and frankly, neither can I) and he can't cope with hassles and issues. I get that.
GAG, thanks for calming my irrational mind. I went into fear, guilt and panic overdrive. I needed the balance of calm to ease my panic. Thanks for being there for me.
Further to the above I decided I can't live with myself living like this and I can't do this honestly. I can't date H behind the ow's back. It's not right and it won't bring me peace. I am hurting and upset with myself over this. I have not acted with integrity.
Are you totally sure the ow doesn't know about you and YOUR H dating?
I understand you wanting her out of the picture altogether and though no one could be sure, it seems like your H is headed in that direction.
I understand the tightrope you're walking. You've told your H your boundary, he knows it. It sounds as if he's processing it all. Step back, don't pressure, be patient. It'll all work out just as it's supposed to for BOTH of you. Have faith.
If you want a recon. with your H, keep showing him that you're the better option. You are you know, and always have been.
Seeking, you are very kind. H wanted me to go out while he continued with ow. I said no to this, Morally I can't do this but I hope H can be brave enough to do the right thing.
One more quick thought. It's hard to tell from out here because we don't have the benefit of all the verbal and non-verbal communication you've had with H....but is it possible that the biggest thing holding H back is that he doesn't look forward to the process of ending "it" with OW? Has H had trouble steeling himself to have difficult conversations in the past? Having that convo with OW will probably make him feel like a real jerk, especially since she is disabled and her S has probably come to see him as a father figure. It's hard for anyone to have someone "hate" us and I'm guessing your H is having difficulty preparing himself for this.
Seeking, I understand the emphasis on YOUR marriage and that was how I felt in the beginning and I had no issue being friends but once it moved further than that I felt that by continuing I was no better than ow and I wanted anything between H and I not to be deceptive. I was concerned that everything between us would be fine but I would still be the ow because H would think he could manage us both. I don't want to be the ow.
GAG, I didn't ask H about ow. I have no idea why she moved out. If I ask him anything about the relationship with me he focuses on the need for us to be friends. He gives no commitment to anything further. Being with me is the more challenging option. He would have to face people and apologise. He would have to acknowledge to them that he made a mistake. He risks it not working and then being without ow as well. These would be the issues for him.
GAG: problem ending it with ow?? hmmm. Yes that could be a point. Obviously he had difficulty having candid conversations with me in the past. Good question; but I have no idea. However, H has the best of all worlds with ow. He obviously sees her when he feels like it with no obligations. He has his space and peace the rest of the time. He calls the shots there, most definitely.
I can't cope with being involved with H and then having him go to concerts and to see family or away for the weekend with ow. The problem is that I love him and this is not something I can switch on and off. I don't want to be available for H when he feels like it. I want it to be reciprocal. It will never work in the long term if he hasn't had to make any efforts or sacrifices. We have only one chance to make it work so we need to start with the best circumstances. I can't risk our relationship with such a rocky beginning.
I need to heal some more. I made a big mistake and I am having trouble living with myself over this. Nothing will happen now. H will stick with ow. He may feel some regret but it won't motivate him to do anything about it. He doesn't want a real relationship at this stage. However if he's true to himself he would have to acknowledge that he is obviously not truly satisfied in his current r/ship. Otherwise he wouldn't have been with me.
However, I want more than knowing he is with her the day after he's been with me.
A new relationship should start fresh. A new relationship between us would have enough tensions and issues based on past history which would need gentle handling. My issues with ow will cause further tensions between H and I which will doom our progress.
I feel my decision means the end of any possibility between H and I and although I feel sorry about that I know I deserve more than being the ow.
