PINCH ME of HIT ME with a 2x4

[ninelives]

just got back from being with her at her sisters again. There were some positives but i know there is no recon in the near future or if ever.

I cried with her a few times and I hugged her but there really wasnt a solid hug back.
She rubbed my back a few times and we shared a cigarette.
She wrote the obituaries and asked if it was ok that she put my name in brackets after her name.

But there is this air of coldness around her that I recognize that doesnt seem to be warming up.

It just makes me very sad and when I am around her, I feel like we do belong together as a couple and she brought out a lot of old pictures that made me feel like we were good together but I know it doesnt matter what I think.

BTW, while I was in therapy this morning, she texted me a few times asking where I was and if we could be together with the boys and then she quickly added that it would be good for me as well to be with the family.

Then she became almost mean. She said " I am having my ups and downs by the way, thanks for asking" ( Total sarcasm)

I wrote back, I am in a session right now, I am trying to be succint. She wrote back sorry.

Like I have said before, it doesnt take much to set her off.

She also mentioned today when we were on the deck that she feels like she contributed to her mother's death by making her worry for the last year and a bit because of what she has done.

I didnt respond to that because I also feel that she made so many people's lives very unhappy in the last year in quest for her to find her happiness.

She was not a good daughter and when she did visit her mom, she did it begrudgingly . She now was playing the pity me card.

Oh well, but i cant take being close to her for much longer as my longing for her and our family increases so much when I am near her. I dont know why I love her so much. But i do.

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