Thanks GAG. The first night we talked so much and H really told me exactly how he felt when I was diagnosed and how things felt from his side of the story. He told it all without accusation or defending himself. He was actually very open and honest. We each shared our stories and our pain and we asked lots of questions of each other. I ended up staying there so late because we had so much to talk about. We both acknowledged our parts but H really took his share (and rightly so). At the end we we just hugged and hugged each other and then we started kissing. When I got home, H text me to sleep well.
The next day I thought H would retreat right back into his shell but he sent me a text first thing wishing me a good day and then follow up texts through the day and we agreed to have dinner. We went out to dinner and then we went for a walk. It felt good and he held my hand as we walked. We kissed several times and I have to say it felt so good and it was easy to be in that situation, particularly after the many hours of conversation over two nights. When he brought me home we had a cup of tea and the kissing continued. It could have so easily progressed to the 'whole enchilada' but we both agreed that could not happen. Thank goodness.
HOwever, there is an ow (and H has said he is very confused) and it just struck me very powerfully that for me to get involved with H compromises me and makes me no better than ow. As H left I expressed this and he told me everything was ok and that I needed to be patient. He again text me when he got home.
I finally got H's attention and now I am plagued with guilt and I am rejecting it. I see his confusion and for the first time I see mine so very clearly as well. I should have said no to dinner because I felt the vibe from the night before but I was curious and I guess he was too.
I am so confused and upset by this. I can't be with H while ow is there. This will undoubtedly significantly reduce my chances of ever being with H but to live with me I need to do this. Emotionally I can't and don't want to deal with this in its current form.
H knows how I feel and that I don't want to become the ow. However, I see the chance he has to take to be with me and I can see that this is a HUGE risk especially when it involves facing family and friends.
I have told H I won't contact him now. I am only interested in a real, loving relationship.
