detached from everyone - but ok...

[TAMF]

update;

My last post was 11 days ago. The girls were leaving for Florida...

H didn't stay at the house - didn't ask him where he stayed, assumed it was with OW. But didn't care. we kept in contact as friends though text messages and a couple calls. nothing big or important, just being friends.I had a meeting with the lawyer last Friday, and we had agreed that we would meet after every appt. to discuss so we wouldn't have to pay lawyer more money than needed. He knew I was signing the papers to actually file for divorce.

At the lawyer's office I was in a good mood and everything was fine. I signed the paperwork and gave the lawyer the needed informaion for the financial Colonoscopy everyone calls divorce. and then my lawyer, who is a personal friend, looked at me and said," are you SURE you want to do this?"

WTF???!!! what kind of a freaking question is that??

I said, "yes it is what both of us agreed on." I walked out of the lawyer's office got in the elevator and started sobbing. I got into my office (same building)and called my H crying histerically. Told him what the lawyer said and how hard this was. He got all choked up and was a wreck too. We got off the phone, and I calmed down. My recovery rate is very fast now days, so no more crying, just melancholy. I sent him a text that said I was ok. we were still supposed to meet at 4pm to discuss what the lawyer said.

He had a total breakdown that day. If there is a rock bottom to hit...I think he hit it going 50 mph.

He picked me up and we just drove around and talked. the consequences of his actions finally hit him and he was devestated. He was holding my hand telling asking me who he was? that the man he is today is not the man he knows he is. what had he done? He sat there and said that he couldn't believe how horrible he has treated me. I was the love of his life and look what he did to me. Look what he did to his children, his family, his job, his life.

It was horrible, but I was calm and strong. I was the friend he needed.

over the weekend he continued to crumble. At one point I was afraid he might actually hurt himself the way he was talking.

He asked if he could come see me Sunday - I said yes. He didn't show. I sent him a text asking if he was okay and he said, "no - I did what I have been doing too much of lately (got drunk) I can't drive. can't see you like this."

He assured me he would be okay for the night, he was at a friends house. In the condition he was in, I can't imagine he was with the OW.

Monday morning, i hadn't gotten up for work yet and he came home, came into the bedroom, crawled into bed and laid his head on my chest and held me so tightly I could hardly breath. I just held him. it was all he needed right then. After a while I had to get ready for work and left him at the house. told him to call me if he needed me. He came by my office (first time in almost a year) and asked if I could leave and come home. He wasn't doing good. I left at 2pm. Went home and held him again...he cried.

This is a man that I have seen cry 3 times in 20 years.

He said he loved me and didn't want a divorce. He asked me about MLC (when I had said months ago that I thought he was in a MLC, he thought I was full of sheot). Said that he thought he was going crazy. He destroyed his life and didn't even understand why. He said he now realized he had a wonderful life and he threw it all away, but didn't understand why.

He was killing me. I was done! I had come to terms with the end of my marriage. I had even kind of seeing someone else. I was very confused - for about a day.

Then on Wednesday, I realized with clarity:

If I really WAS done with my marriage - then I wasn't going to compromise once again to make H happy. He was going to have to do 3 things before I would consider not getting a divorce...

1. OW GONE COMPLETELY
2. therapy
3. If he really wants me back and says he loves me - PROVE IT! he is going to have to fight to get me back. and fight hard.

Because I am in a good place. I am strong and I KNOW I am a good, kind, loving, beautiful person that deserves to have a relationship with a man who treats me wonderfully.

If H can't do that? Then I can be his best friend and keep moving forward.