I’m back. I don’t know what the future holds, but for the first time in all this drama I took control of this rollercoaster yesterday. It just does not make sense to me to buy this house from the bank for a third time.
We took a construction loan when we built it. After about 5 years we consumed the equity to finance a lifestyle. 15 years later the balance is just below the original construction loan amount. Now W wants me to refinance it all over to pay for her new life apart, and use most of my 401k to pay off the revolving debt we amassed. This isn’t going to happen.
What I will do is sell the house to pay debt. What debt is left W and I will split. She will get half of my 401k less half of her 401k. Out of that she will have to draw sufficient funds to pay off her half of the remaining debt. She’ll walk with the remaining 401k money, spousal support for 7 years, her car and whatever household items we split.
She won’t be destitute, but she will not have the down payment for a small house, no credit card debt and new car she thought I would finance from the equity in the house. All part of the fogged in fantasy she believes she deserves.
I love her. I still want a new R with her. We have always been stronger together than apart. She needs to realize what she stands to lose and what life will look like if she continues firm in her decision.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Ironman, thanks for the encouragement. Take care of that little girl.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Life crisis or not, she is going to gravitate toward the people who do not judge her. Such as her aunt, amkes me wonder if her aunt did something similar.
Jack, you might be right there are stories about some crisis in that M from long ago, but I have no details
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: I’ll contact W tonight and arrange for her to sign the tax documentation. I’d like to get that over with before she speaks with her L.
Our D went to dinner with W and one of the SILs. She came by the house afterward. She wanted to vent, and I probably should have let her more than I did, but I didn’t feel I could deal with the drama last night. Our D has several other support structures available and I know she uses them.
She told me on the way to the restaurant she and the SIL spoke and she told SIL she does not like the personality W is presenting to her. She was worried she may have said too much to the SIL. I told her she was honest and she feels how she feels. W is not acting very rational right now, there is nothing to be done but wait it out.
Intellectually she know this, but part of her wishes I would fix it. I had to tell her fixing it too many times is how I got into this mess and asked if we could avoid talking about W/this sitch until another time.
We should not involve the kids, but they are adults and need to talk it out also. It is a tough line to walk. I’m doing the best I can.
W sent over some flea preventative. It is not what we used to use. It is not what the vet recommended. It is about a third of the cost and is not designed to protect as well. I thought about giving it back and telling her to assuage her guilt some other way. Pretty snarky I know.
I found the receipt in the bag, so instead I will return it and use the credit to purchase what we know works well. If W asks about it I’ll thank her for the store credit and I’ll tell her what I did with it, else I won’t mention it.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Been off the board for several days trying to GAL or at least improve my mood. Looks like I have some catching up to do. I don’t know if I can offer a perspective or not. Know that I am reading and I am here going through the sh*t too.
Journaling: Got a call from one of the SILs Friday. She asked if I’d like to come to dinner. This is the SIL that told W she should work on the M and try MC before making any decision to D. As I went to her house I began to get my hopes up, stupid, stupid, I know.
Turns out she and her BF are accompanying one of the nieces to a spring break location for the week. She wanted to know if I’d do a couple of repairs to the house and keep an eye on her 17yr old son while she was ka-noodling with her BF. Ahhhh no. I drive by twice a day so if I see a fire or forty cars parked I’ll stop for the nephew’s safety.
Our D came by to vent about her moms behavior. One of the coping mechanisms she has read about using for the families of transgender people is to hold a wake or funeral for the person/personality that this person was. The idea being to treat the old personality as having died to accept the new personality. She is considering using this to try to accept the person she sees her mom becoming. I have little contact with W. Yeah, she is fogged in and acting strange, sometimes like a teenager, but I don’t know if this idea is wise. I told our D I did not plan on participating. I am not ready to bury W yet. Maybe this is something to consider if/when I am done.
I spoke to W twice this weekend. On Sat she called my cell. She was using her sing song, giddy, I’m so happy to speak with you voice, typically reserved for clients and family members she doesn’t want to speak to. She was checking to see if I had setup an appointment for the taxes. She seems genuinely surprised it was accomplished and I was picking up the paperwork. I was business like, almost brusque.
Today I left her a VM, telling her I had documents for her to sign and we needed to discuss when that would be convenient. She called later.
Call me Daniel; we’re meeting in the lions den next Wednesday. She asked if I could meet her at her Aunt’s house. I’m not sure how I feel about that just yet. I don’t remember Sun Tzu ever recommending entering the enemies stronghold. A truly confident man will walk in; take care of business and leave.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: No contact with W. Went to archery leagues tonight. Shot better than my average. I was able to relax, concentrate and focus on form. More importantly I was able to socialize a little more. I am considering joining the club after leagues end next week.
Our D came by to chat after I got home. She left a little bit ago. She wanted a little praise for her mid term grades 2 Bs and an A. I am quite proud of her and let her know.
Tomorrow night I will meet W at her Aunts house to go over the tax documents, get her signature, and pick up a check for her share of the taxes.
Should prove interesting. I might be a basket case afterwards. Wish me luck. I’ll update the board when I can.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Oh where to start. I left the house and did not wish to arrive more than 10 minutes early, so I stopped at W’s Uncle and Grandparents graves. I prayed and asked them for their support. They always liked me. Pretty much everybody likes me except W.
W greeted me at the door when I arrived. Big smile life is sooooo good. We went into the kitchen and sat down. She began to tell me how great her life is,, how good work is, so much to do. I did not want to hear it. Probably a mistake. I should have been friendlier. Instead I tried to maintain an emotional detachment. It is speculation on my part, I know I shouldn’t, but I think she read my attempt at this sitch doesn’t matter lets get this over with, as dislike and anger.
I got down to business, gathered the signatures I needed to file the taxes, and her share of the monies owed. I asked if there was anything else to discuss. Yes, we have to setup a meeting with the Ls, to sit down and work out the details of the D agreement. She wants it at her L office or at a meeting hall down the road from her work, I want it at my L office. So silly we’re about to argue where to talk. I’ll call my L in a day or so and set it up.
She walked me to the door as I left. I stopped on the way out and said goodbye to the AuntIL. She seemed surprised I was leaving so soon. W closed the door behind me before I had a chance to say goodbye.
I feel sad and drained. The dog is trying to cheer me up asking me to play. He has been moping around for the last several days eating half rations. He had so little interest in eating I began to worry about bloat. He seems better now though.
I’ll lurk here for a while hopefully I find something to cheer me up.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
So I really don’t know what to do next. I thought if I could post to a couple of threads I’d feel better. I don’t think I helped anyone. Doing so usually helps me. Then I’d be able to plan. I need to try something different to shift the dynamic in this sitch.
The baby steps I saw at the beginning of going dark are not continuing. I’d like to have a friendly conv with W, but unless she sees she is getting what she wants, or is expounding upon how great her life is now she doesn’t want to. It is like we are db’ing each other from different sides. I’m trying to salvage, and build and she is trying to rend asunder.
Maybe I should just accept the D as inevitable.
I’d like to believe W is going through these emotions also, but the family I’ve spoken with tells me she just seems unnaturally happy. The self centered fifteen year old was present tonight, manic smile and all. It is so exhausting. I need an escape. Maybe I’ll go to the club in a day or so and shoot some practice rounds. It’ll help me center myself if nothing else. Sorry this is so disjointed.
I’ll setup a coaching session tomorrow. I need advice.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
