Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Thanks MZ and Angel,

Dealing with the R post-OW is, in some ways, more challenging than when he was still with her. It's way more confusing, that's for sure. And Angel, best of luck with the convention. You know I've been there. Buy yourself some amazing outfits and make sure you look (and feel) confident. Hold your head up high. You've done nothing wrong and have no reason to feel intimidated.

As for me, this week has been interesting. H continues to contact me more and more. He will send simple texts with just a smiley face. I woke up this morning to find 3 emails from him since last night. Nothing major, just thoughts he had or links he recommends.

Monday is our normal sushi night and he's started asking me to go to the shooting range with him while D is at her martial arts class. We had fun doing that and then he ended up meeting us at the house so we could all go to the restaurant together. We've been doing sushi every Monday since about August. This is the first time we've ever arrived together. After dinner, H came back to the house to have some cake that D had made. We ended up watching a movie that H brought and had a good time. We put D to bed and H was on the couch. I could see he was getting anxiety again. Yet, he implied that he would be staying the night. I asked him if that was what he meant. He said "is that OK?" I told him that I always welcomed him, but I could tell he wasn't well and I wanted him to be comfortable. He said the anxiety attacks were starting to piss him off. I told him that I was going to get ready for bed, and that he could do what he needed to do. After I got ready, he came to the bedroom and said goodnight. He had decided he needed to go. I told him that was fine and wished him a goodnight.

I could tell he felt awful for leaving but needed to. So I texted him a few minutes later and wished him a good night. He said a sad face back. I sent him *hugs* and he sent back "thanks :)" That was slightly against my normal "no text unless I'm texted" routine, but this felt different and I felt he needed to hear that it really was OK for him to leave if he needed to. He seemed to appreciate it.

Didn't see him on Tuesday, but on Tuesday evening, I had to go to my pole dancing classes and left D at home. H ended up stopping by, picking her up and ran some errands. When they got back, we ended up watching another movie and had a good time, but again, H needed to leave. This time, however, he came back about 1 in the morning and hopped into bed. I was half asleep so there was no monkey business, but he was just super snuggly. Then about 4, he told me he needed to go. I found that profoundly weird but, there ya go. He gave me long hug and said "Thank you. I know it may not seem like it, but this really helps a lot" And then he was off. I'm not entirely sure what part of coming over for a few hours and sleeping in a different bed helps, but I'm not in MLC.

I had to work all day yesterday. H offered to bring D by to join me for lunch. This was something he used to do often back in the day. So it was a pleasant surprise to hear the offer, which I took him up on. And we had a good time. When I got home, we ate dinner together and then he had to go.

In thinking about things, he continues to move forward, slowly, but surely. They say in MLC, they start renewing relationships little by little and the spouse is usually last. I've been seeing that. Back in the fall, he started paying attention to the dog again. He's asked more and more about my parents (who love him and whom he's always gotten along with great). And little by little, he's been opening up to me more and more. Yesterday, he sent an email to my mom and cc'd me on it. In the email, he expounded upon my profound changes, how he had hope for the future, and how he needed to work on himself in order to be worthy of me. As nice as his words were, they are just words. What meant more to me was the fact that he's initiating contact with my parents again. My mom has told me she's broken down and cried about the demise of our R. I know that his email will lift her spirits some.

His texts are getting more and more deep every day. Back in the day, he used to send me *smooches* all the time. He doesn't do that now. But he does send *hugs*. I noticed the lack of smooches. So I was surprised that he actually sent me a *smooch* yesterday evening. A small, but significant step forward. I don't plan on hearing ILY for a loooong time (if that ever happens).

As for x-OW, I'm not quite sure where that stands. H made a few posts on Monday and she commented all over them (as usual). But yesterday, H made another post that should've been right up her alley and yet I've seen nothing from her. Kind of makes me wonder but I'll just continue to observe.