Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

[sparks14]

Thanks for checking in, AJ.

I have been trying to bite my tongue and keep validating her feelings right now. There have been times in therapy where I have mentioned that the problems that we were having were not the kind that warrant a divorce. This is probably not the best thing to mention, because I know my W is not in a place to think rationally. She brings up our relationship as trouble from the start and not the kind from Leave it to Beaver that she was envisioning. Our marriage has had ups and downs. I have done enough relationship reading lately to understand that this is expected. Relations and marriage take work. There will be ups and downs. It is all about how you learn from each other and nurture the marriage over time.

My W and I were truly in love. We were committed. I am not sure when the commitment became vulnerable to an A, but my W and I are communicating in therapy to come to a better understanding. I have read the long email history between W and OW. My W mentioned to OW several times that she was committed to our marriage and loved her H. She was just confused and at the same time excited about these new feelings and emotional connection to a W.

So in the end, I do think she is re-writing our history for self justification. Maybe to justify the A. Maybe to justify her new feelings for women. I don't know. I do know that I cannot change those feelings for her. I can balance them internally, but I have a hard time flat out denying them on her side.

The co-parenting piece is a difficult one. I understand what the professionals say about the importance of an infant needing a consistent home right now. 50/50 custody may not be ideal, but I both think my W and I are committed to raising our child and are both fantastic parents. The pressure I am getting is that we need to put the needs of our S in front of our own. History tells us that it is typically the mother that gains full custody of a child at this age. I can't get past that right now. She was terrified when I discovered the affair that I would want full custody. I told her that I did not want to take her S away from her and 50/50 was agreed on. I even went as far as destroying the copies of the emails that I had, since my W and therapist agreed that the results of those emails could be the evidence needed for me to pull full custody in our conservative county, and they were a wedge in our rebuilding process. Now she is telling me that 50/50 will not work, and she wants to talk with a parenting coordinator. I was not born yesterday. This person will be a professional source for my W to use to try and gain full custody of our child.

My individual therapist and family think that if this is approached, I simply tell me W that I do agree that our S should be in a stable, consistent home. Our home. My therapist believes that if she truly wants to put our child first. Then that means putting our S in front of her separation and self discovery. Those items don't mix.

Sorry to ramble. I guess that is where I think our situations are a little different. In my case, the mother chose to have the A and move out. I have a stable home, and I know that I am a very good father. My W hardly breastfeeds anymore, since she has very little time to pump anymore with her new job. Our S takes formula at all times when he is with me and everyday during daycare. I am not buying her excuse that she is his food source.