H takes all the blame - why?

[Albuquerque]

All these trying so hard to be something is so tiring! Detaching is a supreme effort, trying not to talk is so darn frustrated, thinking of what to say is confusing, walking on eggs is stressful, being angry and hurt and resentful brings pain and tears, stopping the anger is virtually impossible, and trying not to care is like being asked to stop breathing.

I just want to be allowed to be myself for a bit....

Angel,

All I can offer is that your own words tell me that you have not done the work on YOURSELF that you need to do. Are you trying to pretend to be someone else in order to keep H? Is that how you want to live your life? Who REALLY is Angel?

I know you want your H to stay. I know you want to reconnect. But if you do it while denying yourself, you are dooming yourself to unhappiness. Because either 1) He'll figure out it's all an act or 2) You'll get tired of the act

You know we share great similarities in our sitches. But have you done the work on YOU that you need? Here is my example.

Bob always found Mary annoying because she never seemed to listen. He always complained she would talk to much and never listen to him. When Bob leaves (MLC) that's one of the many reasons he give. Mary is frantic. She realizes she's made a mistake.

Scenario 1) When Bob tries to R, she decides she'll listen more. Bob talks, she listens. But in her mind, her inner voice is screaming. She wants to talk. It's in her nature. But it seems to be working, so she continues. Eventually, she gets frustrated because she's sacrificing herself and doesn't feel like SHE's now getting heard. This is a false change.

Scenario 2) After Bob leaves, she looks within. Rather than try to change her actions, she questions herself. WHY do I feel the need to talk. Is it insecurity? Feeling disrespected? What? If insecurity, WHY do I feel insecure. Mary looks deep within herself and comes to some realizations. She works on herself and gains a new and improved self-respect. When Bob tries to R, she listens. But as Bob talks, her inner voice is silent. She is at peace with herself. She is secure in who she is and can now gain a greater appreciation for Bob AND herself. There is no reason for her to get frustrated and their R can only improve. This is a true change.

Detaching is important and there is always a certain aspect of it where we have to force ourselves to do things that are not within our nature. But detachment is something we need to have forever. We cannot live our lives letting someone else largely determine what our emotions will be. Keep the focus on you. By working on YOU, the R can only improve.