Hanging In Through Conflict - For Better or Worse

[FindingMyVoice]

I continue to be surprised at how life works. I've been trying hard to stay away from self-judgement and let myself grief for the losses in my childhood. It's hard. I have a few days where I'm able to stay centered and focussed on my experience, and then suddenly I have a storm of self-criticism that makes me feel dreadfully guilty for being sad and angry. It's flipped back and forth like that for a couple weeks now. I keep journaling and it's helped me see that those criticisms are just the same things I'd hear my mom say to me as a child; or, are what was 'between the lines' of what she'd say to me. It's like I just picked up where she left off. So although the sadness really overwhelms me, I'm also learning a lot about that old internal critic of mine. And hopefully have some new tools and awareness to fight it when it comes up again.

And interestingly, I think it's opening up more lines of communication between my H and I. Because I've been feeling so overwhelmed sometimes my H just knows that something is wrong. And with my defenses down, I've shared a lot more about the hurts I'd felt growing up, now that I can feel those hurts. So, with that change in how I talk to him, he's changing too in how he talks to me about it. He used to wonder why I took it so personally, and would get a little frustrated because I could never resolve it.

However, the other day we talked about it. I was angry with myself for taking so long to 'get over it' and he had a fair bit to say (unusual in iteslf). It was all supportive and he encouraged me to keep working at it, that it was taking a long time because it was serious, not because of a personal weakness of mine. I felt so supportive and loved; and startled to realize this is a discussion that would have never taken place without the work we've done over the last year. That night, I took a moment to thank him for what he said, and let him know how much it helped and how much better it made me feel. I think he was surprised and appreciated hearing it.