H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Just observing:

Sometimes R talk also has its merits in airing out how we feel, I guess. Over the weekend, for both me and H tension was so high that you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

After our discussion, things have simmered down, H has been acting nice and this leads to us being comfortable, able to sleep well, and generally having more productive conversations.

Yesterday, we had some guests, and H was upbeat about going to dinner with them and during dinner, we acted very much like a couple again, with H grabbing my drink to try it out, then saying his dish was so good (new item on menu) and then swapping out his plate with mine so I could try out his food. (i ordered an old favorite).

Somehow those little gestures make me feel connected to him, I don't want to read so much in them but it keeps the day to day living manageable for me.

Also, I have this observation about him when he is sleeping - when he is comfortable with me, he crosses over the midline and leans on me in his sleep, and he did that last night

I am looking forward to our Retrouvaille session! Hopefully they allow us to do it.

[Lorie1964]

Angel,

Looking as the positives is a great thing. Just remember that this is touch and go, don't let it get you down. Stay positive and make sure you let him know when you appreciate the things he does.

God Bless

[angel61]

JOurnaling:

Nothing much today by way of interactions. H called me, I missed his call, I called back, he just chatted for 5 minutes.

At home he was fine, a little tired, slept early.

As for me, all I can say is that I welcome these times when I feel rested between bouts of anger, resentment, happiness, or whatever else may be thrown my way. I

All these trying so hard to be something is so tiring! Detaching is a supreme effort, trying not to talk is so darn frustrated, thinking of what to say is confusing, walking on eggs is stressful, being angry and hurt and resentful brings pain and tears, stopping the anger is virtually impossible, and trying not to care is like being asked to stop breathing.

I just want to be allowed to be myself for a bit....

[Cyrena]

Hi Angel,

Your words just reminded me of how EXHAUSTING it was to be cycling between all those emotions, so I wanted to encourage you that you're doing well, that it does get better, and to just keep hanging on until you do feel on a more even keel.

Trying to detach is, as you say, a supreme effort. Once you have detached, it becomes effortless, and becomes a new way of being that applies to so much of how you view your life. Everything you've gone through will become worth it finally to have learned detachment. So keep on working on it....

In the meantime, do try to find as many "breaks" for yourself that do allow you to be yourself for a bit, because you need all the love you can show yourself at this point.

[BeingMe]

I agree with Cyrena. It does take time to get to that point of detachment, but going through all these emotions to get there, is worth it. It has been 6 years for me, and I think I am detached (note: "I think") at last. There are still times when I get upset, but I don't let him know, and I don't let it get me down. I just go out with a friend, or get online and write it out. It also helps when I read the posts here, and I see how far I've come compared to everyone else just starting, and to when I first started on this road (not that it's a contest or anything). Me, 6 years ago, was a total wreck ... I couldn't think, or eat, or function normally. I would burst into tears while sitting at the dinner table and just run upstairs to get away from him. My children were very worried about me. I would cry at work, at church, at home, everywhere. And, I'm not the crying type.

So, what I'm trying to say is give yourself a break, and realize we have all been through this, and we understand. Detachment won't come suddenly, but in increments, in fits and starts, gradually ... then one day, you will realize that you won't react to something that would've been a huge issue. Then you will know .... and I think, your H will know too. He won't be able to push those reactionary buttons anymore. You will have taken back your power.

Take care.

[Albuquerque]

All these trying so hard to be something is so tiring! Detaching is a supreme effort, trying not to talk is so darn frustrated, thinking of what to say is confusing, walking on eggs is stressful, being angry and hurt and resentful brings pain and tears, stopping the anger is virtually impossible, and trying not to care is like being asked to stop breathing.

I just want to be allowed to be myself for a bit....

Angel,

All I can offer is that your own words tell me that you have not done the work on YOURSELF that you need to do. Are you trying to pretend to be someone else in order to keep H? Is that how you want to live your life? Who REALLY is Angel?

I know you want your H to stay. I know you want to reconnect. But if you do it while denying yourself, you are dooming yourself to unhappiness. Because either 1) He'll figure out it's all an act or 2) You'll get tired of the act

You know we share great similarities in our sitches. But have you done the work on YOU that you need? Here is my example.

Bob always found Mary annoying because she never seemed to listen. He always complained she would talk to much and never listen to him. When Bob leaves (MLC) that's one of the many reasons he give. Mary is frantic. She realizes she's made a mistake.

Scenario 1) When Bob tries to R, she decides she'll listen more. Bob talks, she listens. But in her mind, her inner voice is screaming. She wants to talk. It's in her nature. But it seems to be working, so she continues. Eventually, she gets frustrated because she's sacrificing herself and doesn't feel like SHE's now getting heard. This is a false change.

Scenario 2) After Bob leaves, she looks within. Rather than try to change her actions, she questions herself. WHY do I feel the need to talk. Is it insecurity? Feeling disrespected? What? If insecurity, WHY do I feel insecure. Mary looks deep within herself and comes to some realizations. She works on herself and gains a new and improved self-respect. When Bob tries to R, she listens. But as Bob talks, her inner voice is silent. She is at peace with herself. She is secure in who she is and can now gain a greater appreciation for Bob AND herself. There is no reason for her to get frustrated and their R can only improve. This is a true change.

Detaching is important and there is always a certain aspect of it where we have to force ourselves to do things that are not within our nature. But detachment is something we need to have forever. We cannot live our lives letting someone else largely determine what our emotions will be. Keep the focus on you. By working on YOU, the R can only improve.

[angel61]

Alb, you are a very wise woman. I understand what you are saying, and more than that, I admire that you can walk the talk.

Its not that I don't know what is wrong with me. One of the things that this sitch has taught me is to search my soul, look at myself in the mirror and see what is wrong with me. Even if H tried to let me off the hook (as you see from the title of my thread), I know my part that is contributing to the ongoing deterioration of my M.

However, realization is somewhat ahead of actualization.

In my M, I know that I did not show my respect to my H in ways he appreciated, that I was used to being the dominant one, that I demanded love and affection instead of looking to see why he did not give it, I used hurting words many times which did not grow the love but instead killed it and hurt it. I did not appreciate his love language. Honestly, I was the miserable one for a while, ready to give up on our M, and he was the one who used to remind me of our vows. Until a year before the bomb when I learned to settle down, learned to appreciate his love language, but maybe at that point, I had changed but it was too little, too late.

many of my changes are done, Alb. I am in many ways now the woman he wanted me to be. And he knows that, that is why he has let me off the hook. He realized that all his accusations about me were all about the past, and one day told me that I am no longer all of that, and that he realized that he was just justifying his actions by blaming me. That at this point, it is him to blame, it is he who has changed, who no longer feels love for me, and who has fallen for another woman. He is miserable because he cannot live with the guilt caused by the pain he is inflicting on me and D12, but also because he knows (for some reason, only known to him) that he cannot also succeed with OW.

My struggles now are what I am doing to save myself, the changes I need to do to cope with the world and with the sitch.

I know I have to rid myself of the anger, the resentment. I have been partially successful, I would say about 80%, but when it hits me, oh boy! It is strong.

I have to detach. Many days I do fine but especially after trips, or extended periods together, or for example the holidays, I think my heart gets stripped of the wall of detachment and starts going along with the tide, the roller coaster, the reactionary way.

I have to shut my mouth when I feel a guilt trip statement coming up, or a desire for R talk, or for reassurance, or to express my love. I know all these just lead to making the situation worse.

And we all know that to love and care is to lay open your heart to pain. Uconditional love, Agape, is the Lord's alone. BUt can we take that away that easily? When I was young, I would fall in love, then meet a new person and it was easy to forget. But not after I finally committed myself to my H, when we have a child together. Sometimes I see many posts where the LBS has decided not to care anymore. But I ask you, is that something we can just stop doing?

When it gets hard to do, the advice I have had from this site is "fake it until you make it", and so I try to do that. Go home and be upbeat, bright and sunny even if it kills you.

I cannot go up to H and just explode, accuse him of being selfish (accepted to be a condition seen in MLC'ers) or illogical. I am sure I will have a rain of 2x4's if I did that.

What else does the inner me want to do: I want to bring D12 with me and escape, go home to my home country where my parents and his relatives are, and just be able to feel the encompassing warmth of the love of the extended family, and just forget that H ever hurt me. But I can't do that either.Legally or humanely, that is not an option.

Do I make sense? Or have I turned into an illogical MLC'er myself?

[Lorie1964]

Angel,

I think it is just so hard that he is still in the house. It makes it harder to detach. You are doing great. We all want to run away and take solace in family and friends. It is natural, we want to be around those who would not hurt us in the ways our H's have. Keep working on that unconditional love, and total forgiveness.

Blessings

[BeingMe]

Ah, you are from another country ... we are the same in that respect. Which is why my H never left the house either. Bottom line ... he is still family, and when you're in a country with no extended family, then it is unfair to leave your daughter with one less family member, no matter how hurtful he has been to you. She needs both of you. At least, I have 4 children and they supported each other, but still, I was glad we were both in the house to be there for them.

[angel61]

Being me,

Logistically it will be so hard. we both travel, work long hours, have high stress jobs.

I pointed out that D12 has no other family here, no cousins, no siblings.

If I quit my job, or go part time, we could do it, but again, we have big dreams for our daughter. Just the other night, he was telling my friends how he wanted D12 to go to private school for HS and to university, spare no expense.

He better try to reconcile his dreams and priorities - I do not think everything he wants in life can co-exist. But again, I am sure many people feel that way too. This is where i realize that my H is in a crisis - because my old H, logical, intelligent, and organized .... would never have had a problem with what his priorities are. Myself, yes, I always had, and that is why I was attracted to him, I am the flighty one. But not him.