It sounds like you are making some good steps toward reconciliation.
I do have some words of caution though. I fully expect that you are going to argue each point with me, and I am ok with that...
This thing with the OM...
Has your W really ended things with him, or has she just put him on the back burner?
She is worried about your comfort level with them working together, however, she doesn't appear too concerned with doing anything about it. She has continued to talk to him about your marital status and situation.
These are HUGE red flags for me.
They are also things that I would want to see changed permanently before I chose to reconcile.
That is something for YOU. I know people are going to scream CONTROLLING behavior, and yes, to a degree, it is controlling...
It is also a statement of your self esteem and how you will and won't let yourself be treated.
--You do need to own your part in the A. She had an A, because you were not a good H. You were not meeting her needs. You created a situation that allowed her to become vulnerable to that sort of thing. While you didn't force her to get into the bed, you did hold the door wide open for her.
You need to recognize this and figure out a way to make sure that YOU don't do that again.
And you need to forgive both her and yourself for it. If you don't, I can guarantee that the reconciliation, won't last very long...
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
W knows that this is a fluid situation that is going to have to change in the near future. But I am not going to press it for now. W is drawing closer to me every day. I do not want to screw it up.
This is also a red flag for me...
Your W may be drawing closer to you for now...
There is NO guarantee that she will remain that way though. You seem to want to wait to deal with the issues that are bothering you...
Do you think if you bury them now, and wait to bring them up down the road, that the reception you will receive will be any better?
Honestly, it could be worse. Because you will be feeling more secure and then the apple cart gets tipped over and you feel like crap because you did it this time...
Denver, deal with your issues. Deal with your feelings. Decide, now that the possibility really exists, if you CAN do this.
It is time to know exactly what you want the new R to look like. It is time to look beyond the goal of reconciliation and see what the actual relationship in piecing is going to look like.
What are the boundaries? What are real problems that you had in your M that could use some working out while you are doing all of this?
Is it fair, to either of you, to wait until things seem better to bring these things up?
"Oh, BTW, in the past, you didn't talk to me enough about what you were feeling and I need someone who is willing to talk things through instead of shutting down?"
"Oh, BTW, we didn't have sex as often as I would like to. That is something that I need to be different."
Denver, it is important to know and be able to express what you need in a R, as well as HEAR and give, what your W needs in a R. So that both of you, can make your determination for yourselves, if this is really a workable situation.
If you don't, down the road, these problems will arise and you may very well find yourself back in H*ll.
