Hi, I am so sorry that you feel so depressed and down. This takes a very long time to come to terms with. I do relate strongly to everything you wrote, and all I can say is that thankfully I no longer feel that way.
The only advice I can give you is to go for a financial separation from your husband. I imagine, from what you wrote, that like me, divorce runs absolutely counter to what you believe, [although finally after a long time and then a very long drawn out process my h divorced me]. However protecting ourselves is important too, and it takes two committed people to make a marriage.
I am not doubting your belief in God's plan, but if you read the OT carefully you will see that He accomplishes His plan in some very strange and indirect ways, as well as some startlingly direct ones at times. Your husband does have financial obligations to you, and at the very least you need a separation order to protect your interests. The Bible view of marriage is very clear that husbands have obligations to their wives. It is a convenant, as well as a legal contract.
The second thing is to procure a copy of the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. That book helped to heal me and restore my enjoyment in life, more than any other I read. It is written by a psychotherapist who was herself abandoned by her long term partner, and realised that the perspective of the abandoned person, and the wounds they feel, is poorly understood. The exercises seem strange but it worked for me and others I know who that have used it I resisted for along time, thinking I did not need to read another book on the subject.
It helped me to break my cycle of going round and round and not getting better emotionally. I really relate to the loss of get up and go, but it comes back. And then you start to enjoy things again, slowly, slowly.
Like you, I experienced a lot of death of friends and family, and I remember thinking how cruel it was that they should die and I go on living. Please believe me when I say that it will pass, and you will feel better. My husband and family were central to my life, as they were to all of the good people here. We wouldn't be here if we didn't care. I was married for well over 30 years when this happened, which is quite late to start over! But I have, and I am living my life fully again.
