Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

[Dawn of Hope]

Wow, is anyone still out there? I haven't actually been on the forums in over a year and a half. I think I just needed to detach from all the pain on the boards and stop obsessing about the whole situation so much. I didn't really decide to go cold turkey, but the longer I was away, the more difficult it was to come back, since I knew I would have a lot of catching up to do.

I have been re-reading a few of my past posts (not a lot) and thinking that I haven't made a lot of progress since I was last here. I'm still fighting basically all the same battles as before. I haven't given up on my M, but I think it could be argued that I have given up on my life. I'm doing very well with detaching from H, but I haven't found much else to keep me going in his place. I periodically push myself really hard and get something accomplished, but I haven't found the key to sustaining interest and continuing. Gotta love depression.

I am losing my home of almost 19 years (the whole M), as my H does not want to keep paying for it after over 2 years of living elsewhere (for which I can't really blame him). It is going on the market this week. I have no idea where I am going to live after that, as I have no money (that's "eat popcorn for a week because I have no resources for getting more food" broke, not "oh, I might have to cut back on lattes for a while so that I can afford manicures" broke).

I have three cats whom I love dearly, two of whom are elderly (19 and 17), and one of whom is ill, so among other things, I haven't had a full night's sleep in about a year since my sick cat wakes me up to be fed every couple of hours. My mother is helping me financially so that my cats and I won't starve (although I'd much rather be self-supporting), and that has stirred up a boatload of issues between us regarding control, money, power, intimidation, and so on. I have been without medical insurance for over two years, ever since H was laid off shortly after he moved out, so I can't afford treatment for my depression (or much else). My H's best friend died last year at age 45 of brain cancer, and I can't tell you how many times I wished to trade places with him, or with anyone else who actually wanted the health and time I have but have no use for. I'm so angry that I probably have another 40 years of life to slog through, when I want it all over with NOW, and I can't talk about that IRL because people freak out, even people who don't like me. It's not fair that decent people who love life and have something to offer the world get sick or run over and die, and someone like me just keeps hanging on, ridiculously healthy, but a completely useless parasite on the human race, emotionally and financially. Did I mention that I have depression? I'm sure that's shocking news.

My business has been bringing in so little money (about half the poverty line) that I have started looking into the possibility of trying to find a part-time job, for the first time in almost 20 years, and this horrible economy has me so discouraged about the prospects that I have not really had the courage to even start working on a resume.

I am losing friends and relatives left and right--some to death, and some who have stopped associating with me for no apparent reason (which I assume is because they never really liked me in the first place, but who knows). My procrastination and time issues seem to be just as bad as they ever were (I have been trying to get my business website up and running for seven years now; I've made more progress in the last few months than in the previous 3 years, but it's still not ready).

I have learned not to talk much about my H, so I will just say that I trust God to be working on H and on resolving our situation, but I have seen no sign of it myself. I really think God has a lot of work to do on _me_ first. I believe that God sees H and me as M for life, regardless of what any human on earth might do or say, and am acting accordingly, despite everything. Nothing has been done legally, so we are still M, 2+ years after he moved out and 3-1/2 years after the bomb.

My big problem now is more or less what it has been all along: whether I can resist the temptation to end my life long enough to see what God has planned for my life down the road. I'm certainly not enjoying the view in this stretch of the path, and my depression makes it hard to anticipate a better future. I can't blame all the people who have dumped me, since I wouldn't want to be around someone who was such a drag either. That's probably why I spend so much time alone--I don't want to drag other people down with me.

Are there any positives? Hmmm. Well, I've just had some of my work published in a major national magazine, with full credit to me (although there's the issue about the unfinished website again). Other than that ... I've very tentatively made a few new friends, and occasionally I get a compliment like "You're so strong" or "You've grown so much" (if only you knew ...). I may be drowning in depression, but at least I have held true to my morals and values. I like to think I have been able to offer some comfort or help to a few people. I am more conscious about being kind than I used to be.

I don't know how much I will be dropping in here, because I'm much better about detaching from the M drama than I used to be, but I could use some more general support, and I do try to respond if someone posts to me.

May you receive what you most need today.

Peace,
Dawn