Shine on you crazy diamond III

[zengypsy]

FOBD,

The hardest thing about this DB'g thing or any type of behavior mod is the application. We have it in our head what we need to do but practicing it every day is more of the challenge.

But just as we have learned behaviors throughout our life, we have the power to change and not continue to have the same experience. We can be a better version of ourselves.

I have been with you from the beginning and I know that you can do this.

Stay the course!

[Redo]

Hey FOBD:

Just one tip after you get home after she packed and left. If you are an emotional guy, try to walk into the house with some buddies or family. And might be, get out of the house the evening and have some fun. I went crazy the day my wife came, packed and left. I did not understand how badly it would affect me when i walked in.

[OnMyWay]

FOBD,

I feel you are about to experience significant change soon. Things are happening for you, you are just too close to them to notice. Keep your chin up and stay the course, brother. You are an inspiration to us all.

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
Wife just left. Man, I am not sure what just happened. So, instead of me sitting here trying to figure it out and driving myself crazy, I am just going to post the facts and see what you think.

Right on cue, she called this afternoon to set up meeting time at house. Funny, she NEVER calls for any other reason. We set a time and the call was short. When I got home, I took some prescription muscle relaxers. I am battling a pretty bad back injury right now and I was in some pain. Probably not the best move as the pills made me a bit lethargic.

She arrived and we made small talk. She immediately began to complain about her day and I just listened. After a few minutes of mundane conversation, she opened the cabinets in the kitchen and started pulling out stuff. With each piece, she would turn to me and say, "How about this?" Or, "Can I have this?" And, so and so on. After about the fifth item, I cracked. I just looked her dead in the face and with no emotion said, "I don't give a sh*t, take what you want, I don't want to watch this anymore" and left the kitchen. Bad move on my part, I admit it. She said nothing and continued with her work.

She worked for about 15 minutes so I went back in the kitchen to see what she was up to. My 92 year old grandmother had given us her crystal punch bowl from her early years of marriage. My W asked me if she had to return the punch bowl after the party this weekend. I explained to her that was a gift from my GM and it would be staying with me. She got angry. She exclaimed, "Funny, your GM told me on the phone that I will always be her grandchild and that she is not giving up on me. She also told me I could have the thing." I politely turned around and explained to her the bowl would be returning to the house and left the room.

She then proceeded to our guest bedroom where the remainder of her stuff has sat for some time. She began rifling through things and taking stuff like xmas wrapping paper and easter and xmas decorations. It really began to hit me hard. She was taking things that won't be needed for months. She was taking things that would indicate she does plan on being gone for those things. My heart began to sink and I could feel myself losing control...

I did not help her load the car. My back was really bothering me and I explained to her that was the reason I would not be assisting her with the stuff. She was not upset. I was sitting on the couch when she finished loading her car. She stood in the middle of the room, exclaimed she was done and was leaving with little or no emotion. I motioned for her to sit down on the couch. She exhaled as in disgust or anger and proceeded to the couch. But, then she did something that she has not done in some time. I motioned for her to sit on the other end of the couch. But, she walked over and sat down next to me a few inches away. So, it began.

Team, I am tired of the lack of communication between her and I. Yes, I believe in the DB'ing principles and I want to stick to them to the best of my ability. But, it was time for the going dark to end. I cleared what I was about to do with my coach, so I was confident in my actions.

I looked her in the eyes and apologized for the first time in months. I have to give credit where credit is due. I stole 2step's apology to his w pretty much word for word. I started of by telling her that I did not expect a reply or anything from her, but I needed to tell her something so that I could get on with my own personal healing. She looked nervous and her eyes began to well up. From there I pretty much gave her 2step's speech. You know, the one where you let them know that you finally realize why they left. You take responsibility for what you did as an "absentee H." You let them know that there is no anger, no hatred or no hostility in your heart for them leaving because you now understand why they left.

Team, I meant every word. With the help of the DBing, my C and numerous other books I have read, I do truly and honestly believe and understand why she left. I was a bad husband most of the time and I got what I had coming. I told her all of this. I even told her that I was angry and did want to get back at her for a period, but that this period was not good for me and that I was very happy when it faded. I pretty much told her that I was sorry for driving her away. I was sorry for creating an unhealthy environment in our home. I was sorry for taking so long to seek C'ing for my depression related to my father's death years ago. But, most importantly, I made her understand that the last time I said I was sorry I was saying that for all the wrong reasons. I was sorry because she was leaving and just using that to get her to stay. I said, "Tonight wife, I am sorry for what I have done to you, me, and our marriage. Tonight I am not sorry because you left, I am sorry because I created the kind of unhealthy home that gave you no choice but to leave. I hope someday you can forgive me."

From there, I stated, "Now, I am done. If you would like to respond to this, please do. But, I truly expect nothing from you in the form of a response or apology. I want to be able to go to sleep tonight knowing that you are fully aware that I don't hate you, I don't harbor any ill will toward you and that, win or lose, you will know that I am a better person for what has happened."

She just sat there with a blank look on her face and a tear in her eye. She then said, "Thank you. Thank you for letting me know. Please know that I don't hate you either. I stopped hating you long ago." But, that was really it. Nothing profound, nothing earth-shattering. But, I will say this... her "thank you" seemed to be from the heart and I could tell her mind was racing. And, then, I probably broke a rule, but I had to do it. I looked her in the eyes and said, "I know this won't help the situation, but you must know that I do miss you. I really do." She welled up a bit again, but said nothing. I reached up and brushed her hair back out of her eyes and she didn't pull away. She just sat there as though she was either in complete indifference or clueless as to what to say next.

(OK, a little mind reading on my part here) She did seem as though she wanted to say something, but she was being guarded with her response. She struggled to say anything and hen she blurted out that she read all of the reading material I gave her about pitfalls couples fall in to. It was almost as though she wanted to say something nice, but didn't want to show her cards. So, she threw me a bone with the reading material. She told me she agreed with some of it, but disagreed with other parts. She did, however, state that she did not agree with some of MWD's principles that couples should always work to stay together (funny, I copy and pasted the material so she wouldn't know which book I took the material from. She kept referring to MWD as him because she thought the book was written by a man.)
I did not argue with her, I just smiled.

She then stated she had to go b/c she was hungry. I offered her some food, but she declined and stated she wanted to go home. I smiled and told her she could go. But, she didn't. She started to get up and then reversed. She then began talking about her job and some difficulties she is having. I listened quietly. I said nothing. I did not try to fix the problems. I just kept saying, "wow, that was not fair" or "dang, that is not good for you" or "that [censored]." I noticed something. The less I said, the more she talked. She stayed another 30 minutes just talking about her job while I listened and supported.

After she finished, she again headed for the door. I, unlike the three past visits, did not make a motion to hug her. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't try. I walked her to her car and we began to make small talk. She threw her purse and other things on the seat while we stood there. I purposely stood at the back of the car a good six feet away and refused to move. We laughed a bit about some things we were talking about and then it happened... She turned, crossed that six feet and came right at me with arms open. She came in with one arm and tried to give me the "hey, bro" kind of hug you give a buddy. I threw one arm around her waste and the other behind her head and pressed her in slowly as not to "spook the squirrel." She pulled in tight and would not let go. I stroked the back of her hair a bit and we just stood there. She turned her head into mine and told me, "have a good rest of the week, OK?" I said, "you too." We hugged for a bit more.

We broke the embrace and she didn't walk away. We ended up talking in the driveway for another five or ten minutes. So, I took the chance to end it and told her I had to go. She smiled and got in her car. I went inside and waved as she left.

Team, I am not sure what happened tonight. But, I am sure of this. The DBing principles got me through this night without a collapse. I was sad as she drove away and I did get a lump in my throat watching her leave. But, I did it. I told her how I felt and waited for no expectation, no response, no love returned. It is true she did not really respond to any of it, but she left with a look in her eye that I have not seen in some time. I think when you combine what I did on Saturday at the wedding with what happened tonight, I do believe I am beginning to feel better about myself and what I am capable of with this S.

Did I save my M tonight? Probably not. Did she tell me she missed me in return? No. Did she even mention the possibility of a reconciliation? Not at all. But, that is OK. I am still miles from getting my marriage back, if at all. But, at least tonight I did something to show myself that I can follow the principles with no expectations. I guess it was kind of cool that I got something nice out of it anyway...

Well, I suspect there will be some "darkness" or her part or that she will pull back. So, I am not going to initiate any contact for three for four days so that she has some time to think about what she heard tonight. I miss her more than words can express. I do believe in my heart that she is the love of my life. But, I cannot make her come home. I can only open the door and make a life with me look like something she might want to walk toward again.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[what next?]

awesome job... i think i need to have this talk with my ex lol

[2stepboogie]

The darkest hour is just before dawn.

Good job man. You can steal my stuff any day. Just don’t steal the bad.

[♪CS♪]

Man, that was emotional just reading that. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

I need this speech!!!

Seriously man, sounds like you did great. That is a great thing to do regardless of how this all turns out. Everyone needs to clean their soul, sounds like you did that tonight.

You don't know how many times I have thought about doing the same with my W, I can just never come up with the right time. I think your timing was perfect.

Feel GREAT about yourself tonight.

[♪CS♪]

I just have to add:

I just looked her dead in the face and with no emotion said, "I don't give a sh*t, take what you want, I don't want to watch this anymore"

This sounds EXACTLY like something I would say!

[grr]

great job

i am sure things will be different for you now

you sound so much stronger

keep your head up

[Denver_2010]

I listened quietly. I said nothing. I did not try to fix the problems. ... I noticed something. The less I said, the more she talked.

FOBD - Just read about your evening. Nicely done man. I think that this is a big step. You showed your W love without expectation of reciprocation. Unconditional love. Anyone would be crazy to turn away from such love as it is very rare. Continue to show her this.

I want to comment on the part of your post that I quoted above bc I have wanted to write about this myself for about a week.

Over the past several weeks while I have been seeing my W on a consistent basis, I have also noticed this. I think all LBH need to practice this bc our lack of doing this during our M/R with our Ws is, most likely, a big reason that we are here. I have focused on just listening to my W over the past several weeks. Not offering solutions, trying to fix things, or offering opinions. For the first time in my entire R with my W, I realize just how much she has to say! It was tonight that I actually was thinking to myself, 'wow, W has so much to say about her life and I never knew it'.

I plan to write more about this on my own thread, but I found it interesting that you noticed the same thing with your W tonight.

Again... nicely done FOBD.

BITS
Denver