WAW tearing up our family part II

[OnMyWay]

That's right Zen, we can't control other people. Something I should know as I have been a master manipulator in my life & relationships. However, once you realize that we can't control (nor should we want to) others, it is a BIG relief. I think, in the end, R are better, too, as being together becomes a mutual choice between equals, as apposed to one person trying to keep another around against their will.

ironMan, I hear and understand your frustration, bother. I'm sure your wife is dressing sexy for work because there is someone there complimenting her and she is DESPERATE to feel something good about herself right now. I'm glad you are noticing she's making a change. Have you complimented her on it? You should do so without being forward or manipulative. It's simple, if she looks good to you simply tell her how it makes you feel as a man. She will probably appreciate it. Wouldn't you say so Zen (the woman's perspective)?

Also, iM, remember, DBing is more about you getting yourself in the right place in life than it is about your WAW finding herself or making the "right" decision. You gotta get your head on straight, man. If you know anger is an issue for you, you'd better figure out how to get a handle on it. I know how tough it is. For every little "victory" we have in this process, there is at least a seemingly equal defeat to knock us back down. As I stated over on my thread, I've used the whole "No More Mr. Nice Guy" thing to help me push myself farther along in the "me" process, as it has highlighted issues in myself I never considered before. True self discovery is a huge part of this and I am beginning to embrace that fact. I will be better in the end.

Don't give up on your wife. Don't push her out. Try to see it from her side. Know she is in pain and this is not easy for her. It doesn't make sense to us what our WAW's are doing, but in their minds, they feel as if they have no other options left. Let go of it all and drop your anger. She is desperate and cannot help herself any longer. You must be the man and provide her with better options from which to choose (and it must be her choice, don't influence, or it won't work). Get outside the box - and do it now. My wife and I have been fighting a lot lately. My DB Coach asked me what we fight about, and my honest response was, "We fight about who's more right."

Be sure to be honest with yourself when you ask, "What do I want: to be right, to be angry, to be rid of her, or to have my marriage come back better than it ever was before?" Figure out your true goal, then do only what works in achieving that goal - which is not necessarily the same as doing what you want to do or saying what you want to say. Take it from me, that is a lesson I'm learning the hard way.