I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. Last Feb. my W went back to work after her maternity leave for our 2nd was up. So we had 2 kids and two careers. Hers became increasingly demanding and put a lot of strain on us. Up until then, my W was perpetually in school and she finally finished her PhD, got a job, etc. While I supported the family financially. I didn't take the change well. I know what it feels like to have your W pull away in small ways. I wondered why I just couldn't be supportive and enjoy our life. I needed more from my W.
Initially my W was more receptive to my needs. She made a lot of changes for me, but I still cracked. It caused a lot of problems most of last year. My W never said she lost respect for me, but I could tell something changed in how she saw me.
Eventually, it lead to an EA with her mentor starting last fall. It finally got to a point where she dropped the D bomb on me. Thankfully, we come back from that in a lot of ways and are in a much better place now. We are still rebuilding.
I too feel like you at times. Where did the "old me" go? I was secure in myself and my W's love. I was confident and happy. My W was totally in love with that guy. I am rebuilding him. My W has seen the changes for sure.
Let me say, you are miles ahead of the game. You are taking all the right steps even if it feels difficult a times. It's a slow process and feels even slower. But it can get better.
With the EA, I tried the confrontation route. It didn't really work. At first, I ask her to cut contact. She said she would; she didn't. As the EA got worse, I freaked out more. Finally, she decided to limit contact. Everything I wanted from her with respect to the OM, she had to make that decision to do on her own. She now has cut off contact with the OM, she decided this. (It didn't hurt that the guy did a real crappy thing to her) She overall is pretty angry at him now...for everything. Your W might still be in a fog about this guy, so she could get defensive about him.
During this process, I've had some pretty frank talks with my W. It's been painful at times. She has given me a lot of insight to her thought process. She loves when I'm happy and smiling. She loves my sense of humor. She loves to see me playing with our boys. I'm sure there are things of the old you that your W loved. You have to embrace those things. One thing though, my W could tell when I was "faking" it.
I have learned to stand up for my needs as well (as per my IC) it has helped. You need to really think about what kind of M you want. This is something I deal with a lot. The M isn't where I want it, but we are still rebuilding.
I hope that we can both get there. Feel free to ask me anything.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Your story really hit home. In fact, I'm having trouble putting my thoughts down here.....our situations are VERY similar. There's a question for you at the bottom.
My W pulled away too. Overnight she went from stay at home mom to career women, stopped wearing her wedding rings, dropped her friends, and was consumed by her exciting job. I supported her, including cutting back about 15 hours from my work schedule to care for the kids - I did understand why she wanted to return to work, I just wish she'd figured that out before pushing for another kid. Our very busy family life went off the tracks. I was right about one thing - having three kids and two careers is a constant struggle. I love my 3 sons but every single morning is a tense negotiation about who takes who where. My career has taken a real hit, which is embarrassing since we work at the same place. I felt like she was leaving because she DID leave. She completely pulled away from me. Just like I knew she really would want to go back to work soon, I know what this pulling away really was.
W's boss is totally into her, and she knows it. She has never once rebuffed him (that I know of), not even a simple gesture that would tell him the advances are unwanted. When she has meetings with him she dresses up - boots, skirts, little tops. The work relationship is perfect cover for them to feel each other out......did I mention I work at a college? and this OM could be considered her "mentor"? Something about academia makes people think that the usual office boundaries don't apply. No one sets a professional tone. (By the way, I hope your Ws former mentor gets a little karma)
My W wants a strong, confident man and that's too bad - because she HAD one and she worked him to death and torn him down. Harrier, it got back and when I couldn't do anymore we had OR talks and I came up weak. My W was convinced I had GAD or panic attacks - and for awhile I thought she was right. I totally agree with the DBing principle of "working on ourselves" but sometimes I think the missing ingredient to build a strong H is the undeniable love of his W.
You said you had a lot of deep conversations with your W. Do you mind sharing how you did that without it going wrong? My W does not do feelings, want to talk about the past or the future - it is almost physically painful for her. She twice said no to couples therapy. I REALLY think we need to have one of those painful talks - we never seem to get to the real issues - but every other conversation we've had ends with me looking really bad. She simply can not accept that she did anything to contribute to our situation.
Didn't sleep. Replying to Ws emails with a couple words only to avoid starting an argument. Really angry and afraid that when W gets home she will see it and we'll backslide. Have no idea what is going on - sometimes I think it's all in my head - realizing I can't wonder each day if W is yearning for this man. I've seen the therapist and friends this week but feel so alone. I wish my W would just STAY in Europe. I worst part for me is watching my W get dressed for work - skirts, boots, and little tops that show off how much weight she's lost - always dressier when boss is around. At least I haven't had to watch that. I can't keep this up - I haven't been doing my work. Takes everthing to be there for the boys.
It all comes down to the fact that I don't trust my W. I do love her but in the end people do what they want to do - how many times has she taught me that? And even I can't magine why she'd want to be here, compared to with exciting job and boss.
I'm having a hard time figuring out what's real. Maybe all Ws dress up like this for work, maybe women use some sex appeal on their bosses, maybe those emails were really innocent and her interest in her apperance is a coincidence. Maybe I'm reading her body language with him and her smiles all wrong. I wasn't like this before....
OK, talked with my brother - the one person I've allowed myself to confide in - this morning. Had not updated him on anything since December. He is a supervisor at his office, very extroverted, and usually tells me I'm overreacting and calms me down. He would be a natural DBer - is there a BDing gene? Well, he'd have it. He does not agree with me just because we are brothers so he keeps me honest, so to speak. He tends to see things the way my W would see them in general. But he reacted immediately when I mentioned emails to W from her boss, saying that they were totally inappropriate, whether he was alone when he sent them or not. He basically suggested that instead of letting these things eat me up inside and bring them up so tentatively with W, then back down I should react immediately, resolve the issue camly if possible but don't back away from my point of view, and then drop it and move on. He said it is tough to know how to interpret the other stuff, since he's not there to actually see it. But the fact that my W permits these sort of emails is, according to him, the most worrisome sign.
Though I didn't mention DBing in particular, he suggested many of the same things the books and you all have suggested. Be strong, be confident. He reminded me that I am so calm and even-keeled naturally, and always think through things and have generally good instincts (hard to believe from my posts here, I know), that I should trust myself more. And not be afraid of some conflict - especially since W usually ramps up the intensity because she knows it shuts me down.
These ups and downs are BRUTAL. Is this normal? For me this seems to be the key - if I can deal with the downs and not let it show I'm be doing better when talking with W, and in general. I might not FEEL any better, but I'll be DOING better.
The idea is to get yourself as emotionally level as possible. You know it is going to be a rough trip, already, so the 'bad' stuff...try not to let it affect you. Like water off a ducks back.
This is really easy to say, it is hard to do, but just because it is hard doesn't mean you should keep trying to get there. It's hard to score in a crowded bar too.
What is even harder is not letting a 'good' moment or day, affect you, because you (collective) stupidly think it will continue to the next day or hour...so...you get your hopes up, and when she does something 'bad', you crash. And wonder why you are doing all this.
Enjoy the moment but put no current stock in them. Survive the moment but put no current stock in them either.
You want to turn this emotional roller coaster (of your own making as it is your emotions) into a train ride, as level as possible.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
What do I do when she gets home? She'll be "out" for a day to get over the lag, then has to work some over the weekend with boss. I think maybe I should be scarce? Otherwise I'm going to lose it.
My vball team has our playoffs tomorrow night. I was going to opt out to pick up W on campus. Maybe I will be there to see her arrive then throw her the keys and send her home while I go play. She'd be asleep by the time got home bc of the time change; then we could start fresh Friday morning....
JTBs - I guess I didn't me "lose it" so much as force a OR talk or come off like I am trying to pry information about her trip from her. Needy and all that. For some reason, I really just don't want to be around when she gets back.
