Looking for BITS. I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

That is a great quote, Zen. Thanks.

IronMan, instead of asking what's new, you should ask me what's weird and I'd have an answer. Nothing "new," but everything is odd.

After our big phone fight on Sunday, I got busy with work on Monday and asked her to pick up our D from school. She was good with that and did so. She always brings our D to our house to spend Mom time with her until I get home. I got home around 11pm and immediately went to work installing my new dishwasher (I've been fixing up/changing around the house since she moved out and she's noticing). I mentioned I had a change of heart and if she feels she needs to get an attorney to file for divorce, then that is what she should do. She asked why the change in attitude. I told her I was simply working through some issues of my own and it not for me to decide what is right for her. I shoved my head under the sink and she left.

[edited by dbmod: advertising/not recommended] The book describes me to a "T"; always trying to do the right thing, always being caring, etc., with the secret agenda that I will be rewarded in the end for being a "nice guy," which never happens. However, I've recognized my wife responds better when I'm not so "nice" or not a push-over, so I decided to give some of the techniques a try.

Yesterday I wrote her an email stating that I had not been enough of a man/husband during our marriage and, as a result, had given her free license, of sorts, to do as she pleased, which I believe resulted in her loosing respect for me and for our marriage. I recognized that it was wrong and damaging, basically handing over my testicles to her. Not good. I also wrote as follows:

". . . I cannot simply open the door and welcome you move back into the house to be primary parent. I think it would be a disastrous move without a plan to set some boundaries, discuss expectations, and affirm a commitment to whatever the solution is. As (DB Coach) stated, if you come back without making any changes and decide later to leave again because it wasn't what you expected, D will suffer double and be further damaged. As a father, and a man, I do not want to let that happen to her. This isn't her issue. Conversely, I don't want to tell you not to come back, as it is counter productive to leaving the door open to a future. It is your house too, so I cannot physically keep you from coming back if that's what you choose. But, if D is your true priority, then we must decide together what will truly be the best for her. That, of course, it a topic we still must debate and with an acceptable solution yet to find.

"I do agree our relationship is dead. However, I choose to continue my commitment to our marriage and our family, simply because that is what I said I would do all those years ago. I of course consider alternatives, as I know the score and must prepare for my future. But, my commitment to our marriage is part of who I am and I am not willing to compromise. Compromise on our relationship, solutions, problems, sure, but my commitment, never. I stand by it as a core principle of myself. I will not be the one to end our marriage, no matter how bad it has become. I still believe it can be fixed, yet I know you choose to disagree. In truth, I know we are farther from a fix than ever before.

"So, do as you must. I respect your decision and your right to do so. Your decision is yours as are the consequences. I'm telling you this not to put the burden on your shoulders or to make you out as the bad guy, but because it goes against what I believe. If it is what you truly want, I understand and surrender to your right of self determination. It is our reality. Being that I'm learning from the lessons of our marriage and my varied mistakes of the past, this situation will be the first where I will man up and leave you to sort through your issues on your own as I should have done with your relationship with (step father) long ago. I cannot control your feelings or your choices, nor do I wish that power. If you decide to follow through, then make your best offer up front and we will see where it takes us. If you are having reservations and want to explore ideas of returning to our home, that is your move also and I will try to work with you to find a solution. If you are fine where you are for now, then that is fine and well.

I am sorry it has come to this. I have no animosity towards you. I have no feelings of resentment. Deep inside, I know I still love you and to me that means something. However, I have no intention of being a doormat for you to walk on in this process. I think I have paid enough of those dues already."

After I sent the email, I felt empty and that I had missed something, but figured I would explain myself further anyway, so I didn't worry about it. It was simply me trying to express my feelings, something I hadn't really done to date in a honest, direct way. Then she called. . .

She informed me she was on her way to pick up our D and would bring her home. She stated she was going to cook dinner, pasta and a nice sauce. Said I should stop and pick up a bottle of wine, to which I said no, as alcohol and our sitch does not mix right now. She agreed. Then, I mentioned my email. She said she didn't want to talk about it and would see me later.

I was in the middle of my work out when they arrived. She was cold as usual, same as last week, but went straight to making dinner. I left her alone. I could tell our D was nervous, because last week, our evening didn't end well. But tonight was different. I continued to avoid all R talk. Last night, for the first time, so did she. After D went off to get ready for bed, W moved over on the couch with me and showed me her new MyTouch phone and we compared features against my iPhone. Then she went to the car and got her lap top and we sat in silence and comfort and each did our own online thing. She had and exam to study for, so after D was in bed, she finally got up to leave, thanking me for an "Ok evening."

Honestly, I was scared to death, having no clue what she was thinking and not wanting to bring up issues. The only R thing we joked about was sex, as our sex life together is still very good - which is very strange, but positive at the same time. After she left, she texted me a few things and I went to bed.

So, WOW. It seems as if she's "trying things out," testing the waters. I know her life isn't better, but I'm not ready to bring her back, but things are getting interesting. I'll keep my my head down, keep DBing, keep GALing, and now, making sure she doesn't try to sneak off with my testicles in her purse, thanks to the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" techniques.

Progress? Maybe. The nice thing is it's not really my problem anymore ;-)