Anywho. My W isn't big on talking about feelings either or the past. But she has done it in these talks. My W has agreed to Couples therapy, after she refused to do it. She also accepted responsibility for the for the EA and apologize for it multiple times. She knows she had a role in our marriage issues. So that helps for me. My W is also a psychologist, so she knows about depression/anxiety and doesn't consider it a weakness. Does your W acknowledge the issues facing your marriage?
I re-read most of your situation and it's kinda painful to see it unfold. Why? Because you are exactly where I was. I had the same thoughts and feelings about my W and the OM, even before it turned ugly. I did the same talks with myself about my W. I know about the broken promises too, my wife said we'd move back to our home state lots of times and even when she got a job offer there we didn't go.
I did a lot of crappy stuff like checking her emails, texts and phone records. No matter what I found it was a problem for me. Even if the email was just a little too friendly. Her answer was to lock me out of that stuff, which created it's own set of problems.
My W would buy new clothes, then wear those clothes the day she was going to work with the OM. She always tried to look her best for those days. She lost a bit of weight and looks great. It s*cked and I hated it. Made me anxious, scared. But my W also reassured me during those times saying that she wasn't going anywhere and she loved me. And did make an effort for me. But my reaction to it only highlighted the difference between me and the OM for her. I felt like I was competing (and losing) with him on every level. Later on, my W scoffed at this. She said it wasn't even a competition as I was always ahead in her book.
Everything in my W's work last year was new and exciting and she gave so much energy to it, I felt she had little for us - me and the kids. I also started to get mad for her abandoning our boys, as I saw it.
I will say that has worn off a lot for my W.
I wish I had some good answers for you. I will say your imagination is your own enemy now. It can get better. I am learning to trust my wife more and more. I'm still not 100% there. Sadly, I think your W will have to come to what is going on by herself, especially if she's in a fog. The best you can do is NOT give her a reason to want to chose OM.
You can try assess the situation too. She is with you. She hasn't said she wants out. She has a connection with you and 3 boys too. Is she still having any physical affection for you? If so that's a plus. It's good to have someone to confide in, I chose my Bro as well, in addition to my IC. lastly, give yourself permission to be mad, sad and worried at times. Not with W is around.
I do agree with your Bro. You need to address the the things that bug you that your W does. you can do it in a way that's respectful, yet strong and confident. What would your W say to you if, you were doing what she is doing? Would she back down?
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
