It has been awhile since I last posted. Lots has happened and I need advice on what to do from this point.
A quick recap of events. Discovered ea through facebook in november. H said he would stop, but did not know if he wanted us to work out. Said he had been unhappy for two years and I was not supportive. A lot of history rewritingy. I freaked out cried begged, then got the db book and went to work. Things looked like they were back on track he was loving, etc but he started to drink heavily. Discovered in Feb he was still in contact with her. He down played it saying they were just friends. I confronted him with facebook pictures of them together and also the fake page he set up where he friended her brother. Also learned they had met up in NYC and his best friend spilled on everything my h had told him about ow. I told h he had to stop or move out. He said he would stop.
He brought up d again on Sunday. I tried to validate his feelings but stated that I didn't feel a divorce would make things easier. I also stated I felt it was drastic to go from being married living together to a divorce. He asked what I thought about separation and I again stated that is not what I want. I felt we deserved to try to work on our marriage when there was not a third person involved. He agreed we have had a good marriage for most of our 10 years together but didn't know if he could get back his feeling and desire to try. He then went to bed with no decisions made. He has not brought it up since. He actually asked me yesterday if there were other school districts I would consider moving to, as he has wanted to move for several years.
He is filled with so much anger right now, he goes out of his way to be a smart a%% at times. He started sleeping in the spare bedroom and shows no physical attention to me. This is so different from the past 2 months when I know now he was still involved with ow. Is this new behavior a result of ending the A. How long can it go on for? It angers me because he is the one who messed around and he is punishing me.
I have stopped calling him during the day, sayingI love you, and hugging and kissing him when he leaves for work. However, when I stopped is also when he pulled back even more.
What should I be doing at this point. He stated he turned to the ow because she was supportive and praised him, while I just nagged and tore him down. Ugg, I feel confused I don't know if pulling back so much is working but I don't want to persue.
I'm not an advocate of Seperation or D, but here we all are facing one or the other at some point in our M.
If you both decide to seperate, I would try to put some terms on it. Just as an example, seperate for 3 mos. Would your H be open to MC? If so, you can go during this seperation period. If he isn't, then I would strongly recommend you find a solution based C and go on your own. Would dating other people be acceptable to each of you? Work out a visitation schedule with the kids. I think if you don't set a boundary during the seperation, he will treat it like a free for all.
You can't control how he feels or what he does. All you can do is control YOU. Try to detach lovingly, do some 180's; think about reacting in a diff way then you would in the past. Validate his feelings that will show support without coming across as pursuing. He will be angry because he's confused. Do you think your H is having a MLC?
Re-read the chapter on Infidelity in DR. Read it over and over if you have to. Get in touch with where his feelings and head is at. Time is not your enemy, it's your friend.
Keep posting. We're here for you.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Thanks zengypsy! I do not want a divorce or separation. H has brought it up during r talks but never brings it up again and is always talks in general no plan etc. I think he is just so confused at this time. I do believe he is going through a life crisis. I try to avoid all r talks. He has stated that he is not happy but is also scared of losing everything (us). It is so confusing because he will talk about future plans one minute and the next act like he feels trapped being here. I know his love language is words of affirmation and touch. How do I "feel his love tank" and lovingly detach? I am so confused how to engage him at this point.
Would your husband agree to send a no-contact letter to the OW, asking her to respect his wish to be left alone (zero contact with her, ever again, period) so that he can work on his marriage?
Unless and until he agrees to FULL no-contact with her, it's going to be near-impossible for you to work on your marriage, when there's a third person in it whupping up your husband's hormones.
