OK, talked with my brother - the one person I've allowed myself to confide in - this morning. Had not updated him on anything since December. He is a supervisor at his office, very extroverted, and usually tells me I'm overreacting and calms me down. He would be a natural DBer - is there a BDing gene? Well, he'd have it. He does not agree with me just because we are brothers so he keeps me honest, so to speak. He tends to see things the way my W would see them in general. But he reacted immediately when I mentioned emails to W from her boss, saying that they were totally inappropriate, whether he was alone when he sent them or not. He basically suggested that instead of letting these things eat me up inside and bring them up so tentatively with W, then back down I should react immediately, resolve the issue camly if possible but don't back away from my point of view, and then drop it and move on. He said it is tough to know how to interpret the other stuff, since he's not there to actually see it. But the fact that my W permits these sort of emails is, according to him, the most worrisome sign.
Though I didn't mention DBing in particular, he suggested many of the same things the books and you all have suggested. Be strong, be confident. He reminded me that I am so calm and even-keeled naturally, and always think through things and have generally good instincts (hard to believe from my posts here, I know), that I should trust myself more. And not be afraid of some conflict - especially since W usually ramps up the intensity because she knows it shuts me down.
These ups and downs are BRUTAL. Is this normal? For me this seems to be the key - if I can deal with the downs and not let it show I'm be doing better when talking with W, and in general. I might not FEEL any better, but I'll be DOING better.
