PINCH ME of HIT ME with a 2x4

[ninelives]

The dreaded Pullback. Right on Q. So it is the next day and as I anticipated, W is considerably colder about R talk. There is none. I take my son10 skiing today and she texts me in the morning about snowpants. I ask her how her nightshift went and she says worse than the previous one.

But I get a vibe that there will be no followup to yesterdays block buster , grow old together, I love you conversation. And there is none. I try and keep the conversation light. She responds in kind.

She must be happy though because prior to this, I had gone dark on her again and would not respond to texts unless about children.

Her well is full again. I wonder if she will honor any of our conversation. She says she will end it with OM on her terms but I wonder if that is true. She also said she would not sleep with him again and promised me that more than once but again, talk is cheap.

I cant keep playing these games altough she insisted that she wasnt playing a game. I just cant understand when somebody says they are 100% sure that they will work back towards the marriage one day and then go completely cold about it.

I mean, why not say im pretty sure or 70% sure I want to work on this. But why say I will come back and I promise I will never leave again.

When I say that you said this before and she retorts but this time is different.

IDK, I think I have to face the facts that she is with OM for awhile and that getting back is really going to be a stretch.

Very discouraged tonight.

9
BITS

[♪CS♪]

What did you expect to happen today?

Give what happened some time to develop, it won't be overnight. You both need some time to continue to work things out. Let her take her time and you yours.

[islander]

Nine,
Have you read my sitch at all in the last week. We are in EXACTLY the sa e place. I have been devasted all day bc I let myself get sucked back into her world without being smart and waiting for actions to follow her words. She said everything right. I mean everything. Then everyday for the next few days leading up to yesterday, she became more and more distant. I don't have a y idea what our WAS think when they speak with such emotion. I am at a complete loss right now.

[lostmiss97]

The roller coaster ride is not fun... I'm sorry it seems like she didn't mean it. Country's right, you have to give it time. She will back off a lot now because she laid a lot out there. You can't take what she's doing at face value. Think of her as a turtle... she stuck her head waaaaay out and now she's gone back into her shell where it feels safe and she can control what she does. The best thing for you to do now is stand on what you said and wait. Yeah, the waiting [censored]. What would you have done before? Made her follow through? Felt like everything was hopeless and give up? Well, 180 whatever it was that you did before. It'll make you feel a whole lot better and she'll notice the difference.

Hope that helps a little.

[2stepboogie]

9 I posted this on my last thread. Thought it would be appropiate here.

"Do you know what happens after you plant the seed of a Chinese Bamboo Tree? Nothing. That's right. Absolutely nothing. For 4 years after planting the seed of this tree you get no satisfaction other than a tiny shoot coming out of a bulb. Must be something wrong, right? A still birth or stunted growth. A bad
seed maybe. If you didn't know about the growth patterns for this tree, you'd think that all your efforts to
plant and cultivate were useless. But, in fact, what's happening all the time is that underneath the ground there's a massive root structure that's forming. You can't see it, but it's there and it's HUGE. Then, in the 5th year, the Chinese Bamboo Tree grows and grows and grows, sometimes up to EIGHTY FEET tall!

Marriages sometimes grow like Chinese Bamboo Trees. You try and try doing kindnesses, giving gifts, being gentle, sharing a joke, but sometimes it takes months, even years before you SEE the growth. But all the while you're making deposits into a secret account that all of a sudden (that's the way it seems, but, in fact, my point is that it's not all of sudden) begins paying dividends.

It takes maturity to be patient. And it takes maturity to be willing to give your spouse the time they need to grow and to see that time as an opportunity for you to grow too."

[ninelives]

Islander, i have been following your sitch very closely and we are waist deep in the BS.


Country; you are right but I just cant understand it. When I say something , I usually follow through on it or at least follow up.

Thanks for the input lost. I dont know how to respond anymore.

I bought her and the kids dinner from Wendy's and she texted me a big thank you and then sent me an update on how well her and the kids are getting along tonight. A far cry from her desperate suicidal text a day ago. As I said, she is content now and will be happy with the turn of events.

I havent responded to her text and dont know which way to turn now. Do I go into the friend zone or go dark again.

She seems to respond best when I am dark. In our marriage, she always seemed to respond best when we were in a quarrel and admitted to me the other day that she likes drama in her life or words to that effect.

Is that what I want to live with for the rest of my life if we do R?

Some tough questions down the road.

Thanks for your contiued in put.

9

BITS

[ninelives]

Really need some advice here and would love to hear from Sandi2 again.

I think I have blown it yet again. I need a supply of 2x4's.

When we talked the other day, I was tired of all this drama and after I signed, I was just feeling that our M was over.

When she contacted me about "suicide talk", I was very concerned and realized that her life was in the toilet. I knew she was reaching out but i went too far.

I made demands,like, If we have any chance , you cant sleep with OM again or have any intimate contact with him. (She promised that she wouldnt) but cmon, is that possible at this stage.

I said, lets give this till the summer and see where we are at and she agreed that she needed to be on her own and get her head on straight. I agreed to that.

I asked her if she was 100% sure and she said she was. I wanted to put all our cards on the table. I asked that "Why has she said there is no love for me and then she said she loved me"
She said because she is coming out of her fog and realizes what is real and what is fake. Her thing with the OM is fake according to her and our love is real and she said she knows that I am the real thing.

I asked if she could see us making love again being passionate and she said that she could see all those things in time.

All Stupid questions on my part. NOw how do I do damage control.

I said you have to end it with OM and she said she couldnt just do it like that , she needed to do it on her time and that she had a plan but she wouldnt tell me what that was.

What course of action do I take now? Do i believe any of the things she said or just chalk that up to her being ultra depressed with the turn in her life.

When I stated that if you are just getting my hopes up again only to dash them later, then you are truly evil. She said that she would not do that after all she has put me through. That would make her a monster.

I need some direction, PLEASE

9
BITS

[islander]

9

I really don't believe there is anything you or I can do right now. We kinda have to just let this play out and hopefully we will get another clearing of the fog. I would take away from this that things are not as great as our WAS would have liked us to believe, and that they do have feelings for us despite what they say and we are in their thoughts. This is tough territory we are in right now!

[ninelives]

UPDATE- Man when it Rains it POURS

Wife and I were texting again, just some chitchat about son etc.
Then she mentions breakfast and making pancakes and that she is sressed.

So i say you are stressed about pancakes, she says no, stressed about her life.

So I mention that she has pulled back from our last conversation about us.

She says she needs to go slow and that I pushed the issue and she said things she wasnt sure about.

I say then Ok, where do we stand in this. I will give you all the time you need but last we talked you were coming back 100%
and that you were ending it with OM, etc..

She backpeddles a little about the 100% but wants to see where we are and if we can be friends first. She again promises that she will end it with OM and that she doesnt really see a future for her at all. She says she will not have any contact with him in an intimate way and that I wont see his vehicle in her driveway anymore.

If he comes over on his own, she will try and get him out of there asap.

I say are you sure can end it with him and she says yes, but that she does have feelings for him but it is not REAL love like we have and that we have to go super slow.

At points in the conversation she says she is terrified about trying again in case it doesnt work.

I then let go of the rope and say, if you have strong feelings for him, then see where it goes and forget about half a$$ed attempts at recon. I say lets just move on.

She then draws forward and says things like , NO, please , we owe it to our family to see if we can be together and that she knows that she can be without OM.

I foolishly ask her what the hell is the attraction to him. He is a zero. She points out that he does things that I never did like take care of the little things around the house, pay attention to her all the time, make her feel special.

She then goes on a bit of a rant that I was more concerned about my coaching and school then I was concerned about making sure our yard was perfect, my marking Papers where on the kitchen table, I didnt want to go out ETC...

I assure her that those things can change and we further continue talking about recon.

She tells me she is concerned that she cant be all that I want her to be. The passion issue comes up again and says that LIfe cant be perfect in that capacity like I always wanted.

I say I am sorry you felt that way about me, I do agree that you have the right to have felt that way but I always loved you. As for the passion, I know it can come back again but we will have to realize that our old marriage is dead and see if we can reconnect fresh.

She says that we will talk more about it later as we were on the phone for a long time.

JUST THEN, she says her sister is there and is crying and that she has to go.

I call my friend to bounce this off him. 10 minutes later , she bursts in the door crying her eyes out.

She tells me that her MOther is DEAD!!!!!! And that I should look after the boys while she goes to her mothers.

I hug her and she is panicked about the sitch. She texts me about 10 min. later and asks me to bring the boys to her MOMs house NOW.

We go there, her mom is dead on the arm chair. She is crying hard, I go over to her, she is on her knees facing her mom. I kneel behind her, embrace her and kiss her on the back of the head, she holds my end.

The boys are in the basement. And then come up to see their grandma.

I hang out there, hug her from time to time and she doesnt pull back but she also doesnt squeeze me hard either.

She tells me in a calm moment that maybe this happended for a reason.

BTW, she never really got along with her mom that well , her mom was 83, MY w was an accident and wasnt really wanted by her mom and she felt that resentment most of her life. Earlier when we were talking ,she mentioned that she didnt really like her family and resented being around her mom and always has.

That tune changed quickly.

I had to go to another town and sign more separation things so I left for an hour. Went to her house and was there for her for the rest of the day with our boys. I did the dishes, which she hadnt done all week which is really odd for her.

WE talked, and joked a little about things.

( I will contiue new post, this is getting long)

9
BITS

[ninelives]

I went out and got some takeout food and bought her some milk and cat food as she was out of those.

We talked and hung out, she cried and I hugged her from time to time. I noticed she had a pendent around her neck which I bought her for our last anniversary. a healing pendent.

She never once kissed me or initiated a hug. When I got back with the take out she said:

Can I ask you a serious question?

" Would you be here If we werent having talks or would you just let me be"?

I told her that I was hurt that she would even ask that question and she then said , if the situation was reversed , would you allow me to be there at your mom's .

Again I told her that I would be there regardless for her.

We hung out again for the rest of the night until about 7:30 when her sister showed up again , and I was politely asked to let her and her sister have some time together.

When I got home, I was alone, she texted me thanking me so much for buying the dinner and some groceries for her and that I was AMAZING for being there for her.

Forgot to mention, earlier she was complaining about her feet being sore. I asked if she would like a rub as I used to rub her feet when she complained about them. She balked at the suggestion but I said, cmon, it wont be sexual in any way.

She let me rub her feet for the next hour or so. It felt just like old times.

Im not sure what to think. Her moms death is at the worst possible time. She was sick and everything and I did love her in my own way but I dont know how this will affect everything.

She was ready to go, so please dont think I am being callous about her passing. I cried for awhile but wanted to be strong for my wife.
9
BITS