Lunch was nice. No R at all, just small talk about our kids, ourselves and each other. Since there was no R talk I didn't get a chance to validate anything but regardless I was happy to be there with her. Almost a week ago she declined my invite to lunch and told me that she didn't want to think about me or us.
After we exited the restaurant I gave her mu coat cause it was cold and she thanked me for lunch. I thanked her for the invite and said I was a little surprised I got it. She said I bet you were. I asked her with a smile, you want to talk about that and she looked at me, smiled and said Nope.
She's driving this train, I'm only along for the ride. We have dinner tonight with kids after dance and am looking for suggestions as what to do next. I would think I continue to let her make moves and I keep on keeping on.
Hank, that was a very good job! That one little humorous note to D was a string to pull her closer to you. W also used the same string to contact you. The think I'm most proud is that you left it alone and didn't respond back, trying to continue to ride on it until it killed the moment.
Good job the way you responded to W!!
Now, a word of caution.....Please, please do not get worked up until you are nervous or excited about having dinner with her. Just go, stay cool, calm, and confident and don't react to anything she may say. Don't make any references to the MR. If she should hit you with something that sets you back.....don't react. Just tell her you'll have to have time to process.
Hopefully, it will just be a nice dinner, but I feel she has a reason behind it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for the nice words. I feel like I am heading in the direction but it is nice to hear it from others. As for the dinner/lunch...We had it. No R talk at all and it went nice.
We did have our Tuesday night dinner with the kids last night and I walked away from that a wee bit upset at myself. My youngest was being a handful at dance and dinner I and felt like I spent most of the night trying to get him to stop doing stuff that I deemed inappropriate out in public. As you know this has been one of my biggest 180's and I caught the wife looking at me a few times while I was working on kids. I by know means was acting like I used to but I could tell that W was watching me. At one point I asked her what was going on and she stated that I seemed a bit stressed tonight by the kids. I told her no and the refocused on the 180. I just hope it did not break down everything I have been building up for the last two months. I will just have to wait and see I guess.
On another note, I wore some new clothes last night and W noticed. She also made three comments about not having any money. I pulled my check out of the account last friday and have been giving her CS but she insisted that she did not care about the $.
I have the kids the next two days. No plans to contact W. Will see how things go.
Am I reading to much into nothing? Am I supposed to look for signs that what I am doing is working? My number one goal at the start of this was for her to reach out and ask to spend time with me. After two months I got that yesterday, so why do I still feel the same. Why did I feel like I was on an audition at lunch/dinner.
What do I do now? Is she waiting for me to make the next move? I have kids tomorrow and plan on taking them to park after work. I want to invite W but that is pursuing. I'm so confused as to what I should do next.
Well, I was strict with my own children....especially their behavior in public. I haven't changed my thinking on that, either. Hate to see kids really act up badly and parents not control them. Since this has been an on-going problem between you & W, there needs to be some sort of compromise on how to discipline b/c you'll have young children for a few years yet.
Maybe you all could do something else together that wouldn't put so much attention on how the kids were acting. Sounds like they need to have a place they can use up a lot of energy. Another thought, they may be trying to get your attention. But as you've stated, this has been a problem in the past. Do they really get out of hand in public or do you think you may expect too much? Does your W think they act badly or does she just not believe they should be made to mind? How do the kids act when it's just you and W isn't around?
Great job on the new clothes! And, wife noticed.....
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I defiantly was over blowing to the way they were acting in public in the past. They weren't running around or throwing food but some stuff I can't get past. I don't like them getting under the table, smacking their fork so it fly in the air or kicking the seats when people sit behind us. The boy was doing all 3 last night and I kept correcting him but not in the mean way I would before.
The kids are like night/day in their behaviors when they are just with me. I take them out to eat all the time without W and I rarely have to say anything to them. Since day one I have always had to be the bad guy when it came to disciplining our kids. My W will threaten a timeout several times and when the behavior doesn't change I would have to step in an enforce. I would them complain about having to be the bad guy and she would say I am overreaching and they are just being kids. It is defiantly one of our biggest hang ups.
I have kids tonight and there was a breakdown in communication today about the kids staying with me tomorrow night. I assumed that she knew of my plans to have kids extra night and when I made comment to her today about it she got real mad and accused me of springing it on her at the last minuet. I calmly told her that it was miscommunication on my part and by no means was I trying to get on over on her. I took the lead in the convo and explained that we just need to talk about it. She calmed down and we worked it out. First time for everything I guess.
We have plans to meet at park tomorrow with kids. Plan on putting on a show for the ages. Wish me luck.
BTW, never assume anything where your W is concerned. Things are very different now. Nerves are strained and tension high, so it's always a good idea to make sure it has been commuicated face to face, email, TM, or VM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I pick up kids after work and W meets us at park. Having great time, spent a couple of hours there. A little before we leave, W asks me if I want to come over tonight and watch movie. I accept and we all go to dinner and I follow them home, help puts kids to bed and we watch movie. The Movie? FIREPROOF. If you haven't heard of it, allow me to fill you in.
It is a faith base movie about saving your M. The plot revolves around a young couple that have been married for a few years. The M is on brink of divorce for several reasons (lack of communication, stress, respect, addiction, OM etc) and with the help of faith and strength they save their M. At one point in the movie, the H is on his knees asking for his W to forgive him and my W takes my hand and we hold hands until the movie was over.
Movie ends and I tell the W that I can't quite put my finger on it but I felt that there was an under lining message in that movie that had to do with what we are going through. She tells me I'm a dork. I thank her for the invite and go back to my moms.
This is the part where you tell my not to read into this.
I'd say that was a sign. I suppose we could say that you handled it with humor. Or maybe you really flubbed it. I'd have to know more about your relationship with your wife to know. She did not choose that movie by accident, and she knew exactly what it was about.
I understand your hesitancy to jump to conclusions and do handsprings. But on the other hand, you don't want to let a good opportunity to go by either. She took a step toward you. I would say there is an implied question there, "are you interested in reconciling?" If the answer is yes, then you might want to take an equal step toward her. Have you looked at the website for Retrouvaille, www.helpourmarriage.org? Go to the page on the 4 Stages of Marriage. You could print it out and show it to her. It says that the misery stage of marriage, what you two are going through now, is normal. And there is hope to get to an even better stage than the one you started with. But it takes work. It is a message of hope, just as the movie Fireproof is.
Look for the next Retrouvaille weekend in your area on the website. Ask your wife to go with you to the weekend. If you go, you will never regret it. They will teach you how to reconcile. They save thousands of marriages all over the world each year. Yours could be one of them.
