Observations from the House of Zen......

[zengypsy]

********************Journaling********************************

With 2 weeks to go before the Big D, I continue with self-reflection and self-growth. It’s still hard to believe that I will be D’d for second time. But, I remind myself daily that the M I have known for the last 16 yrs. is dead and gone. The M wasn’t healthy, WE were not healthy and it just wasn’t working. What can emerge out of this enemy of D hopefully is a reconnection with my STXH, that we remain friends, earn each others trust again and see where it may or may not lead. A 20 year history is very hard to just forget IMHO – D or no D.

Since my H left, my journey has been a rough but miraculous road. I have learned what it is to love unconditionally, listen, communicate and validate. I continue to better know and represent myself everyday. I have learned to be accountable which has been HUGE. I continue to understand what my role in the downward spiral of my M has been. I continue to soak up as many resources as I can and where I can. Here’s more self observation….

When my H told me I wasn’t the wife he deserved, I now can agree with that to some degree. My mom and I were incredibly close; always there for each other no matter what. When she died in 2002, I felt that my support system was gone when in fact it wasn’t as I had my H. But because I never leaned on him for support during our whole M, I continued to shut him out after my mom died. I essentially chose my Mom over my H. I had no balance between the 2. I always went to my Mom first with everything. My H, like myself, was never taught any communication skills. I had no recognition of this nor did he ever communicate that he felt left out. Perhaps he didn’t know how to convey his thoughts. After my mom died, I started sinking into a depression which lasted for a good 7 years and I knew something was going on. I went to 2 diff C to try to get some help because at this juncture clearly, the mask I was trying to hide behind was taking a toll on me, my H and our M. That was becoming more evident every day and I just put a blind eye to it not realizing the severity. The C’s said they couldn’t help if H wasn’t a willing participant (H doesn’t believe in C) and just when I thought things couldn’t get much worse they did. My H didn’t marry a sad sack but that’s what I became on a daily basis as well as being critical, judgmental, controlling, selfish and at times manipulative.

We had problems in our M just like everyone else does. There is no utopia and we made many attempts to fix things on our own, but as much as we tried, we were good for a while and then things went back to more of the same. We made so many empty promises that dissipated trust on both sides. We really needed a neutral third party and/or a book like DR. Now I’m not discounting that my H has some accountability in all this either. However, he has had none and he really feels that he tried everything he could to save this M. I disagree as I feel that walking out on your M is essentially quitting and there is never an acceptable reason why that’s ok. I hope one day he can figure out that he lost a great W, best friend and lover. I can’t control him or his feelings and that he will need to get there in his own way and time. All I can do is continue on this journey that I have started and am committed to for life. I really like who I am now and I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I think my mom would be very proud of me right now.

Having my H walk out on our 16 yr. M last Feb was the kick in the a$$ that I needed to really purge this behavior. I thank God for the therapist that I found and was fortunate to go to for 8 mos. The intense work she did with me was amazing and I think I was so determined that everything just flowed and fell into place. Then I found this forum which has been my saving grace since my insurance carrier made the out of pocket expense impossible to continue with my C. It has allowed me to continue all the hard work that I have done. What I realize is that my H and I were BOTH trying to save our M at different times, in different ways. What was working for him was not working for me and vice versa. We never could seem to get on the right page to save it together. And we didn’t have to save it in the same way. What works for me may not work for him or someone else and that doesn’t make it wrong, it just means he doesn’t have to get there MY way.

I try to watch some TV shows that I can correlate too on the psychological level. Two shows that I always DVR are Intervention and Heavy. With Intervention I admire the family support that these junkies have and in some way there is an irony with all our sitches. This is just an observation but the LBS’s seem to share in the role of being like the junkies. We promise we are going to change, get better and 9 out of 10 times, we resort back to our old habits. The WAS’s are like the family members who stand by us even through all the empty promises we make and then they reach the point that they can’t trust us anymore and the only thing they feel they can do is turn their backs on us. In terms of the show Heavy, I find that most people on this show eat to compensate for the loss of a parent and it could be years after their parent died. But the mourning part is still so raw as if it happened yesterday. Although I can’t relate to the eating part, it just helps me see that other people had as close a relationship as I had with my mom and there is no time limit on how long to grieve or not grieve.

And so I end this long entry. Tomorrow is yet another day to learn and observe.