Hello! Thanks to you all for your wisdom and especially to Virginia and Beatrice for really making me think over the past days. I followed everyone's advice and made no contact with H.
Some of what Beatrice and Virginia wrote really resonated with me and gave me plenty of food for thought.
I think when H made contact for my birthday I was totally surprised and I went along to dinner feeling quite cynical. I was really aware of some differences in his behaviour but overall I lacked trust and I don't blame myself on that score. Over the next days I heard more opening up and I responded in an affirming and caring way because H was revealing more of himself than I had heard in months. Although I only responded to his conversation openings I got too involved, too quickly.
The strong, independent, masculine side of me wasn't prepared to open myself to more pain and hurt yet again. I was annoyed that I had given H openings to tell me he was still with ow but he hadn't used them. I was feeling mistrust and my self protection mode was on alert and therefore I justified that I was bringing this situation to a head by asking H what was going on. Retrospectively, of course, I regret my impulsivity.
Originally Posted By: Walking
The first is to understand that men and women are different. I strongly recommend you read or refer to Mars and Venus on a date (there's a web-site and bulletin board for John Gray/Mars Venus stuff as well as the books....
I haven't looked at the website yet but I have read the book and also Why Men Walk and Women Talk (Stosny) which was fantastic.
Originally Posted By: Walking
Its important to remember, that while you might feel as though this is the man you know so well and he knows you and it makes sense to act in your usual up-front way and ask "hey, what the heck is going on" ... your man has been through the wringer and he's not going to jump back into any relationship that doesn't make him FEEL great. Men (in general - and particularly in life transitions - don't want to talk about what's going on; what all they are doing wrong; what the problems are in their live; they just want to FEEL good. [quote=Walking]
Now this ^^^^^^ was a great reminder. I have worked so hard on words of affirmation but didn't follow through because i let my impatience get in the way. I was too busy protecting myself.
[quote=Walking] One thing I've really learned about men over the past 12 months or so is that they don't think about the FOREVER stuff we do. They are content if one day is good, then the next day is good ... it's when all the good days blur into each other and that's where they'll make their place.
And another good reminder of H's position...a day to day proposition
Originally Posted By: Walking
HE's giving you all the hints here that he doesn't know what he wants, but clearly you are one of his options ...
I sincerely didn't get this part before. It didn't enter my mind. I just thought in black and white terms.... he either wants to commit or he doesn't, no grey allowed. I saw the negative side and didn't think of perhaps he hasn't reached a decision. I tend to wonder, Why is he contacting me? I hadn't considered his confusion or indecision........ a significant moment of understanding for me. thank you.
It's getting late and that's about all I can respond atm. I am pretty tired but I did want to pop in and say thanks.
Saw H online but he didn't make contact and then went offline later.
About 15 mins ago he sent a text asking would I like him to cook me dinner or would I prefer to go out. I showed appreciation for his cooking but gave him the option of a change of heart and named a restaurant we could try (he has complained before that I was indecisive so I had an idea ready of a new place nearby). He responded to say he would like to cook although he was happy with the restaurant choice. I thanked him for offering to cook and the time was set.
I am happy to read that H has initiated the dinner. It is an emerging gesture for sure. Cas, your H is changing.
I have the impression that H is proud of his cooking and for him to want to cook for you tells me that he is seeking affirmation from you on more than one level/subject. I am thinking he needs you, Cas.
This scenario will also offer up a more intimate setting for the two of you to spend some reconnection time. He is apparently not afraid to explore the possibilities.
Cas, your H is trying to work things out with you. YOU know what to do. I agree with all the ladies here. Give him time and patience and be someone to make him feel good about himself and be very appreciative of his efforts. It's kind of what I have had figured out all along.
It doesn't make it easier. It supposedly gets harder before this get easier, I have to wonder if that holds true in all situations. I think it depends on the personalities and the level of commitment to patience and forgiveness one can muster along with the stamina required to endure the drama that's still to come.
Your H has initiated so he is not leaving it all up to you...this is such a huge development. This is what you wanted him to do and he has stepped up to the plate in grand style, imo.
(((((Cas))))) sweet friend, YOU have got to leave the negative conclusions and cynicism home while with H. Practice only happy thoughts and forgiveness until you see him. Do not even once allow yourself to think about the things that hurt. To me when one dwells on the negative they begin to believe it and it will show in interactions with everyone and they will actually wear it on their face with their expressions.
You have the ability to give H a chance. If he is trying.....do this for him.
You have come too far to turn back at this point in time.
NOW....What are you going to wear???
I am happy for you,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I'm SO glad that you are feeling more centered now. So much good information from everyone! I really appreciate the positive attitudes of everyone on this thread.
Cas, thank you very much for sharing your thought processes as you go through this. That is very generous of you. Your insights have helped me tremendously! My hope for you is that Wednesday evening reveals more to you.
Virginia, thanks for tips on information about how to be more "feminine". I am going to check some of these out.
Cas, I am delighted for you by the turn of events. Please be very very cautious. While it is good that you are 'one of his options', you are a remarkable woman, and may feel, and come to believe that you deserve more.
I will repeat, and then stop saying, that as long as OW is in the picture all is far from well with his soul. I know this from personal experience, and from the experience of others. Take care of yourself. Remember it is your journey too.
If they return before they are ready they will almost certainly run again [not original - HB or Snodderly I think]
I can't continue like this. I need to move on. I am tired and overwhelmed.
Thank you all for your ongoing support. I know now that I deserve more than this and I want a proper relationship or nothing. I am not compromising myself any more.
Thanks GAG. The first night we talked so much and H really told me exactly how he felt when I was diagnosed and how things felt from his side of the story. He told it all without accusation or defending himself. He was actually very open and honest. We each shared our stories and our pain and we asked lots of questions of each other. I ended up staying there so late because we had so much to talk about. We both acknowledged our parts but H really took his share (and rightly so). At the end we we just hugged and hugged each other and then we started kissing. When I got home, H text me to sleep well.
The next day I thought H would retreat right back into his shell but he sent me a text first thing wishing me a good day and then follow up texts through the day and we agreed to have dinner. We went out to dinner and then we went for a walk. It felt good and he held my hand as we walked. We kissed several times and I have to say it felt so good and it was easy to be in that situation, particularly after the many hours of conversation over two nights. When he brought me home we had a cup of tea and the kissing continued. It could have so easily progressed to the 'whole enchilada' but we both agreed that could not happen. Thank goodness.
HOwever, there is an ow (and H has said he is very confused) and it just struck me very powerfully that for me to get involved with H compromises me and makes me no better than ow. As H left I expressed this and he told me everything was ok and that I needed to be patient. He again text me when he got home.
I finally got H's attention and now I am plagued with guilt and I am rejecting it. I see his confusion and for the first time I see mine so very clearly as well. I should have said no to dinner because I felt the vibe from the night before but I was curious and I guess he was too.
I am so confused and upset by this. I can't be with H while ow is there. This will undoubtedly significantly reduce my chances of ever being with H but to live with me I need to do this. Emotionally I can't and don't want to deal with this in its current form.
H knows how I feel and that I don't want to become the ow. However, I see the chance he has to take to be with me and I can see that this is a HUGE risk especially when it involves facing family and friends.
I have told H I won't contact him now. I am only interested in a real, loving relationship.
I have a sense of relief for you.
I am going to check some of these out.