Cautiously Optimistic

[dbmod]

Hey zen-
Please note my edits above. Even though he mentions MWD, he's just trying to piggyback on Michele's popularity. He is definitely not recommended by MWD. Much of the advice in that book can backfire when you're trying to save a marriage

[zengypsy]

Hey zen-
Please note my edits above. Even though he mentions MWD, he's just trying to piggyback on Michele's popularity. He is definitely not recommended by MWD. Much of the advice in that book can backfire when you're trying to save a marriage

Thanks dbmod for the info. I think you have to sift thru what's right for you with his material. At least that is MHO.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journal -
Well any of you that have follwed my other thread have probably figured out I've been in a slow spiral down to a really lousy head space. Throw in a migraine today and it's been just perfect. <sarcasm>

So last night was program night. I got out of that with a huge clue, tear streaked face and serious demeanor. Some personal revelations about oneself are quite painful, but necessary for change to occur.

I went to pick up the kids from H's place after this. He saw I had been upset and still suffering an emotional hangover effect from what happened in my program.

This morning he asked me about it. So I told him.

I realised later I've been making a mistake in doing that.

So, I called him up after asking him if he had a few minutes, and said I wouldn't be telling him about me or developments in my program amymore, he has made it clear with his actions that he really doesn't want to know me. That I realised that by telling him about me and what I've discovered about myself, in my view he was likely using it as a justification for his behaviour, because then I can be labelled in his mind as the crazy, messed up, party. He can continue to look outward and blame other stuff for his/our problems and not look inside himself.

H. did say he has gained some insight into himself from my personal candor about what has been going on with me in the program. A plus of sorts. H. hasn't said anything other than that, silence is his frenemy.

I do believe he's been passively relying on me to be the pioneer in this and avoid committing to the program himself.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Whups. Bad proofreader, lousy clarity...sorry.

I did not tell him this portion:

He can continue to look outward and blame other stuff for his/our problems and not look inside himself.

That's my opinion, not what I told him.

[Queen_of_Swords]

H.s weekend with our kids.
This isn't getting easier, not for any of us.
Sure, I GAL on the weekend, am kind to myself. Hang with my friends and family, or just take the time for to clean house really well, read recommended books ( I've got two I haven't even cracked yet ) and be quiet.
I'm keeping busy, but it's not easier.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thinking out loud -venting....

I'm not so optimistic today.
I feel like I'm running out of time.
I know I'm running out of patience, and hope.

"Life is a banquet and most poor $uckers are starving to death." from the movie Mame

That pretty much sums up how I feel.
I ask myself why am I waiting for H? Why don't I just tell him divorce my butt already; you want your freedom, there you go, have it - and may you find joy in it.

I've been looking for crumbs of improvement in our R. The least signal that we have a path big enough for two to go forward. I see only shark eyes with no light or warmth in them when we speak face to face. He's polite, there is nothing more.

I can't live on crumbs, I did that too long I think, and I know I deserve better.

Waiting for him to choose me over his computer games or media entertainment.
Waiting for him to choose our family over his bodybuilding and gym regime.
Waiting for him to make family a priority over working constantly and being on call.
Waiting for him to talk to me, really talk to me and not see me as a fixture in the household like a vacuum. There but not worthy of attention, unless you needed the carpet cleaned.

It never happened, he walked away instead.

What did I really lose in him doing that? I still have the same responsibilities I always had, just now I have to look to make my own living and support myself and my kids.

I just don't have any backup or immediate help.
I wonder if I even had that when he was living with us? He resented almost everything I asked of him, it all appeared to be too much effort.

H really only has contact with me because of our kids. Not because he has any concern or good feeling for or about me.

I came here with much hope after reading DB. That there was a way to make things better, that hope is fading each day this situation goes on.

I keep seeing the words: " your timeline is short" and still wonder what the heck it means. Short according to what measure?

Maybe it's better not to hope, not to care.

[grr]

scylla,
i am so so sorry
i am in much the same position as you
but when i truly detached from him, i found it does get easier

i don't know if my m can be saved

he has stated, out loud, that he does not want it to

so i have a choice,

i can wallow in this

or i can get up and live my life

i had a life before him and damned if i am not going to have one after

some days will be better than others, i know

but hopefully the bad days will be further apart

take care of you and your kids

you will be great
if he doesn't see it, someone else surely will

[♪CS♪]

Hey SC, you’re not running out of time, you have all the time in the world. Don’t wait for him, what would you do differently if he did D today? Do it now, you don’t have to wait for him.

None of this will feel long, tiring or agonizing if you are doing it for YOU, so that is what you need to do. Put the M out of your head. Pretend like the D has gone through, now what would you be doing?

There is a big difference between not hoping and not caring. You can still care. You can know that if he does end up with a change of heart you would still like to work on the M, but don’t “hope” it will happen.

I know all of this is easier said than done. I of course still have my bad days. Day’s where even though I know exactly what I should be doing, I still don’t do it. We just need to do the best we can. One foot in front of the other.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Hey SC, you’re not running out of time, you have all the time in the world.

That's just not true. We have a limited amount of time on this earth and no one knows how long that is. I'm a middle aged woman with two kids to raise to adulthood. I don't have all the time in the world.


Don’t wait for him, what would you do differently if he did D today? Do it now, you don’t have to wait for him.

The only thing I'm not doing is dating other men and working full time at the moment. That and not doing things that I don't have money to do.

None of this will feel long, tiring or agonizing if you are doing it for YOU, so that is what you need to do. Put the M out of your head. Pretend like the D has gone through, now what would you be doing?

What I am doing now. Looking for full time work. Going out, being who I am without trying to please him or others.


There is a big difference between not hoping and not caring. You can still care. You can know that if he does end up with a change of heart you would still like to work on the M, but don’t “hope” it will happen.

I don't think I can continue to care about someone that has so little regard for me that I'm treated as a stranger. I don't expect him to change his mind or his heart. Not with those shark eyes.

He's rocking that baby called resentment and hanging on to it and feeding it IMO.

Detachment is preached here. Don't care, don't let the WAS ruffle your feathers, just continue on like they don't matter, don't let your feelings get the better of you.

I know all of this is easier said than done. I of course still have my bad days. Day’s where even though I know exactly what I should be doing, I still don’t do it. We just need to do the best we can. One foot in front of the other.

[islander]

I think Country is right about hoping and caring. The last few weeks I really started to feel better, and it was bc I was not spending all of my time hoping my W would come back. But I never stopped caring for her. I still hoped but not all day.

Now I am in such bad shape bc I Sartre hoping just as much as I was caring and got burnt. I am going to pull back as quickly as possible from hoping and get to a better place again.