I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

I described my divorce to a friend as being similar to having HIV. For long stretches it's like you aren't sick at all -- it's just something in the background.

Not today. Response from STBXW's L. They want a much higher child support total and insurance total. The house is going to be sold in a short sale and they want a lower settlement offer.

I found a copy of their original proposal back in 2010 where they offered less child support and insurance than the court would order as long as I didn't pursue joint physical custody.

So they are going back on THEIR own proposal.

Ugh, I was really hoping I'd hit bottom financially and could start climbing out.

I'm going to try to stand strong on the child support and insurance. That was their proposal.

[mishka422]

CTH, ask yourself this.....

What is your goal? How badly do you want this to all be over? Would you be better off than their proposal if the court ruled according to the normal rules?

Your kid's welfare is top priority of course. If the reduced child support they originally proposed is going to reduce their standard of living while they are with your STBXW then is that best?

Divorce causes financial strife for years if not decades. No one comes out of this a winner. The best you can hope for is to put the least amount stress on your kids. All of this hanging in limbo is not any better for them than it is for you. They feel your stress and your STBXW's stress. The sooner all of this is on paper and done the better for all of you.

[ClingingToHope]

Mishka -- I did the math. Over the course of 10 years she's asking for another $28,000. I am already essentially broke. I do not make enough to meet my living expenses now because of the debt she left me with.

I've been lucky to find part-time jobs -- I have three -- that fit into my schedule. But I'm tapped. I have no more time to give.

Mishka, eventually she'll get out from under the house and, considering how much more she gets every two weeks, she'll be able to rent a very nice house.

I am barely getting by now and if I agree to the higher amount I am not sure how I'll get by. I have the girls 40 percent of the time. What message does it send to them when one parent lives on breadcrumbs and the other goes shopping every week for new clothes?

She made the original proposal basically as a trade off so that I wouldn't go for joint physical custody. If she goes back on the proposal I don't see why I shouldn't go for joint physical custody. I have the more flexible job and if we were doing joint physical custody I wouldn't have to have four jobs.

What is my ultimate goal? My goal is to be able to live a decent life where I can put money towards the girls college and be able to go on vacation with them. Is that too much to ask?

[Drew]

What would the court order if there was joint physical custody?

[kml]

And what does YOUR attorney say?

I agree, if the original deal was breached, you could say "well then, I want joint physical custody".

In my state, if you have joint physical custody 50:50, there usually is no child support paid, I believe.

(Not that I like that idea - usually there is one parent who has more of a burden to provide home etc and makes sense for them to receive some support for that.)

Be careful, though, about how you look at things. $28,000 sounds like a lot. $200 more a month may be entirely reasonable, depending on circumstances. Don't horribilize.

What confuses me about your situation is, usually child support is figured according to a formula. A formula, btw, that often seems pretty fair, when you consider the costs involved in providing a home and raising kids. What does the formula in your state say she should get? Courts often don't like to let people trade away their child support, so if you're currently paying a lot less than your support should be, the courts would probably side with her.

The sad truth is, kids are expensive, and it's much more expensive to maintain two households than one - everybody has to take a cut in standard of living.

And how are you ending up with all of the debt? If she wants child support according to the formula then shouldn't debt and assets be split 50:50?

[ClingingToHope]

KML. The formula here is 28 percent of the net income.

Here's the issue. STBXW ran up $15,000 in credit card debt, but it was my card so I'm stuck paying that. She's never given me a nickel of the debt, which was 95 percent hers.

We restructured loans to pay off her car, but I still have three years left on mine. So I have a car payment and she doesn't.

She outearns me by $10,000. Partly my fault. I let several chances to advance go because STBXW was hyper focused on her career and someone needed to be the shuttle parent taking the girls here, there and everywhere.

On the debts, her lawyer is playing games and including all of her debts after we split up and only including my debts while we were together. By my calculations, she should owe me $21,000. They are now offering $12,500 --- and she's going to pay it out of her retirement account which means if I use to pay off bills I'll have a big fat IRS penalty.

Here's the problem -- I have $370 per check that goes directly to a car loan, credit cards and 401k loans. I make enough, I just owe too much.

If that were magically to go away then another $100 every two weeks to STBXW wouldn't be a problem.

I did get a response from my L. He saw STBXW's L in court today and he said the reason they are asking for more is I'm making more.

I am, but only with second and third jobs. My main job hasn't given raises in three years and I made the same amount in 2010 that I made in 2009 at the first job.

The other two I didn't even make enough to have to claim a W2. The increase she's asking for is more over the course of the year than those two jobs added together. I guess she expects me to get a third job.

I've thought about this all day and the truth is I'm bankrupt. When this is over I will pay off my 401k loan and the legal bill and then hold on until the house issue is settled and then I'm going to file.

[ClingingToHope]

I sent STBXW an email basically saying I'm broke and will be seeking bankruptcy advice and she should know because it'd be smarter if we file together.

For two years I've spent most every minute trying to figure out how to survive and thrive and it's time to face reality. I need to start fresh. I talked to a couple of friends who filed and they said no one said a negative thing and they woke up relieved to have the cloud gone.

Perhaps I shouldn't have sent the email -- I told her I didn't want to talk about divorce stuff, just email -- but I'm tired of posturing and hiding. I'm broke.

[Daybreak]

CTH:

I understand where you are coming from. In my sitch, W earns nearly 30K more than I do. Although her initial outlay was substantial, mine over the past few months has wiped out my available credit and she has not put a cent towards what I covered to get our house to the brink of being sold and our kids' tuition at their school for the following year. But I do what I must do and hope the Fates are smiling kindly towards me...

I really hope the Fates smile kindly on all of us...

[ClingingToHope]

STBXW resonded last night that she doesn't want any more money from me. She just wanted me to accept the settlement offer on the equalization.

It's enough to pay off a 401k loan, but not enough to pay it off and cover the taxes on the money -- since it's coming from her pension.

But since I'm thinking of declaring bankruptcy anyway if I have a big tax bill next year that'll just go into the bankruptcy.

I should be doing handstands and jumping for joy, but now I just feel down. Every step of the way that I get closer to D day hurts. I still haven't given up that 1 percent that believes this will all just work out in the end.

The next court date is April 12 -- our 15th anniversary is April 27 -- and this might be over in May.

I know this is good for me. I am the one who got the process going again by sending a final settlement offer. But it just hurts.

[Drew]

What is your lawyer doing about this?