I think H already knows he is wrong, and he is not trying to BS me into thinking that he is doing this to work on our M, but more to work on us being friends rather than becoming bitter and not communicating if we go our separate ways. I can see that one of his greatest fears is for that to happen. From what I know of H, one is that he does not want to be away from D12. Another is that to be honest, H and I are co-dependent.
For me I think I want to try Retro as we are both Catholics and I do see him struggling with his Faith. Myself I am not too keen on MC but he brought it up, thinking it might help him handle his depression.
I am willing to talk to a DB coach, yes, just for me.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
About your comment on me being a dutiful daughter: I was not then. I fought tooth and nail to not be brought home. I tried to escape.
Perhaps that's how your H feels at the moment?? He feels like the rebellious teenager, dying to be anywhere else, and (said kindly) you are like the parent, telling him you don't care what he wants, he'll stay right where he is, because thats the RIGHT thing to do.
How attractive do you think you are to your H when you step into the Parent role? And I'd go a step further and say can you remember how you felt - that anger and frustration at your parents - we'll he's feeling that about you, but upsized from teenage girl/to middle aged man size.
Angel - have you noticed that he comes to you and tells you he wants out and you say I know, but you can't go ... then the conversation starts to be a negotiation and you agree to stuff that's unacceptable to you because you think it will buy you time (2 years, retraining, daughter time etc) - but can you see he's doing the same thing? He's agreeing to your terms, because in his mind it's the only way out - so he's agreeing to things that are unacceptable to him (no time with OW) in the expectation that if he just goes along with you and your 2 year rule, counselling etc etc he might be able to get out quicker?
Girlfriend - using your current strategy, you might make him stay. It'll continue on like this, possibly with the resentment on each side rising every time you have one of these conversations ... but if he's codependent, it is just possible that if you gracefully put down that rope - kiss him on the cheek and tell him he needs to do whatever he needs to do ... that he might not go very far at all.
Retrouville is great (and I've had friends get some great results from those programs) but it's not recommended to attend if there is still an other person on the scene. Need to be careful of that.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Oh, and I did talk to the Retrouvaille coordinator and explained my sitch. I said that there is a third party. She said that the way they look at it is a last resort effort, and I guess they are ready to help couples with this kind of situation as well.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I really do want to do what you said, V. I have been mulling it over, especially since last week, have been actually stopping myself from just picking up the phone or getting up at night to confront him. I know I can't do it the way you say though, I would explode all over the place and it will take years to clean up my bits and pieces. All the hurt and resentment. Maybe the words would be more like "Go f**k yourself H and get out of here!"
I want to do it your way - gracefully.
The difference compared to how I think of it is just letting him be the one to decide what to do. Hmmm.
He seems to have improved in relating to me since yesterday. I will be nice and observe him in the next few days. We have guests coming tomorrow, and over the weekend, so that means no upheavals for now. We will be going to OW's city on Mar. 23-27, and I am a bit worried about that. It's for a convention, and both OW and H are not only in the same medical field but have the same subspecialty, so for sure they will see each other there. I am in the same field but with a different subspecialty, but am attanding the same convention.
How to act the next few days: I guess I shall continue with what I have been doing all the while. And as for the retrouvaille - we'll see how it goes.
We still have quite a few outings planned - April we go visit our home country with D12 for 10 days. Its also my parents 50th wedding anniversary. August we go to Europe with D12 for a week.
Itr seems so complicated, with all these planned, and not wanting to trigger D12 to get her anxiety/eating disorder.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
You have a lot of interaction ahead with H, this is positive, as long as you stay positive and forgiving. I left you another message on the 40 day challenge on Day 3. Go check it out. God is with you always, lean on him when you are angry or mad about the circumstances. Stay positive and watch out for the devil to pop up with those angry thoughts.
(((HUGS)))
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
((((Lorie)))) I saw your messages and responded. I continue to pray the rosary everyday, doing the 40 day challenge. H brought up the Retrouvaille yesterday, saying he could not attend the April 1 session but we can do the April 15. He actually seemed very open to it. He was very nice to me yesterday, and I know he did not call OW because he left his phone open on the recent calls screen and I saw that OW's number was not there. I mentioned that we should do a family rosary once a week for Lent, and H did not seem to mind, although he was not enthusiastic. This morning I was not good with the detachment thing, when I went down he was doing bills and he had the debit card for an account that I know we have barely any money in, but I know he used for a few OW related expenses (like sending her flowers for her birthday). He mentioned that we should not activate the debit cards, but acivate the credit card, and I agreed, but when I turned my back, he activated the debit card! He said he thought the debit card was the credit card (as it was covered with the sticker) but I doubt it. So my meddling self said lets shred it, and he said he will do it, and I insisted I will, and then he got the"look". I backed off.
Good thing is that he still seemed friendly after that. Maybe I backed off at the right time.
It is so frustrating for me, I always do those small things which prevent me from being the lighthouse. After I do them or say them, I regret it, I always chastise myself for not having the foresight, for not learning to shut my mouth. I know I have hindsight though and I can read my H's or any other people's reactions so easily, but the thing is, it does not help me act better. Maybe it does, but it is so slow! Another example was that after our talk on Suday, I had already said my piece, we were talking, and after dinner, I remembered something and started the R talk again. I could have killed myself when I saw the change in his expression. Good thing he decided I guess to grant me a reprieve and pulled himself together, almost visibly, and started acting nice again.
What is wrong with me? Maybe I don't deserve this M after all.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I too find myself saying things when I should zip my lips! That is the devil sneaking into us! I just keep praying that God will keep molding me into the wife he made me to be. I so want to be able to be lighthouse too. We can't read anyone's mind, but I have seen the "Look" When that happens, I say, "I can see from your face I may have overstepped my boundaries, I am sorry." I then just back off.
I left you another msg on day 3 of the challenge so go check that one out too.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Thank you for your message! I am so excited! : )))
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
