Cautiously Optimistic

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thinking out loud -venting....

I'm not so optimistic today.
I feel like I'm running out of time.
I know I'm running out of patience, and hope.

"Life is a banquet and most poor $uckers are starving to death." from the movie Mame

That pretty much sums up how I feel.
I ask myself why am I waiting for H? Why don't I just tell him divorce my butt already; you want your freedom, there you go, have it - and may you find joy in it.

I've been looking for crumbs of improvement in our R. The least signal that we have a path big enough for two to go forward. I see only shark eyes with no light or warmth in them when we speak face to face. He's polite, there is nothing more.

I can't live on crumbs, I did that too long I think, and I know I deserve better.

Waiting for him to choose me over his computer games or media entertainment.
Waiting for him to choose our family over his bodybuilding and gym regime.
Waiting for him to make family a priority over working constantly and being on call.
Waiting for him to talk to me, really talk to me and not see me as a fixture in the household like a vacuum. There but not worthy of attention, unless you needed the carpet cleaned.

It never happened, he walked away instead.

What did I really lose in him doing that? I still have the same responsibilities I always had, just now I have to look to make my own living and support myself and my kids.

I just don't have any backup or immediate help.
I wonder if I even had that when he was living with us? He resented almost everything I asked of him, it all appeared to be too much effort.

H really only has contact with me because of our kids. Not because he has any concern or good feeling for or about me.

I came here with much hope after reading DB. That there was a way to make things better, that hope is fading each day this situation goes on.

I keep seeing the words: " your timeline is short" and still wonder what the heck it means. Short according to what measure?

Maybe it's better not to hope, not to care.