I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. Last Feb. my W went back to work after her maternity leave for our 2nd was up. So we had 2 kids and two careers. Hers became increasingly demanding and put a lot of strain on us. Up until then, my W was perpetually in school and she finally finished her PhD, got a job, etc. While I supported the family financially. I didn't take the change well. I know what it feels like to have your W pull away in small ways. I wondered why I just couldn't be supportive and enjoy our life. I needed more from my W.
Initially my W was more receptive to my needs. She made a lot of changes for me, but I still cracked. It caused a lot of problems most of last year. My W never said she lost respect for me, but I could tell something changed in how she saw me.
Eventually, it lead to an EA with her mentor starting last fall. It finally got to a point where she dropped the D bomb on me. Thankfully, we come back from that in a lot of ways and are in a much better place now. We are still rebuilding.
I too feel like you at times. Where did the "old me" go? I was secure in myself and my W's love. I was confident and happy. My W was totally in love with that guy. I am rebuilding him. My W has seen the changes for sure.
Let me say, you are miles ahead of the game. You are taking all the right steps even if it feels difficult a times. It's a slow process and feels even slower. But it can get better.
With the EA, I tried the confrontation route. It didn't really work. At first, I ask her to cut contact. She said she would; she didn't. As the EA got worse, I freaked out more. Finally, she decided to limit contact. Everything I wanted from her with respect to the OM, she had to make that decision to do on her own. She now has cut off contact with the OM, she decided this. (It didn't hurt that the guy did a real crappy thing to her) She overall is pretty angry at him now...for everything. Your W might still be in a fog about this guy, so she could get defensive about him.
During this process, I've had some pretty frank talks with my W. It's been painful at times. She has given me a lot of insight to her thought process. She loves when I'm happy and smiling. She loves my sense of humor. She loves to see me playing with our boys. I'm sure there are things of the old you that your W loved. You have to embrace those things. One thing though, my W could tell when I was "faking" it.
I have learned to stand up for my needs as well (as per my IC) it has helped. You need to really think about what kind of M you want. This is something I deal with a lot. The M isn't where I want it, but we are still rebuilding.
I hope that we can both get there. Feel free to ask me anything.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
