H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

((((Lorie))))
I saw your messages and responded.
I continue to pray the rosary everyday, doing the 40 day challenge. H brought up the Retrouvaille yesterday, saying he could not attend the April 1 session but we can do the April 15. He actually seemed very open to it. He was very nice to me yesterday, and I know he did not call OW because he left his phone open on the recent calls screen and I saw that OW's number was not there. I mentioned that we should do a family rosary once a week for Lent, and H did not seem to mind, although he was not enthusiastic.
This morning I was not good with the detachment thing, when I went down he was doing bills and he had the debit card for an account that I know we have barely any money in, but I know he used for a few OW related expenses (like sending her flowers for her birthday). He mentioned that we should not activate the debit cards, but acivate the credit card, and I agreed, but when I turned my back, he activated the debit card! He said he thought the debit card was the credit card (as it was covered with the sticker) but I doubt it. So my meddling self said lets shred it, and he said he will do it, and I insisted I will, and then he got the"look". I backed off.

Good thing is that he still seemed friendly after that. Maybe I backed off at the right time.

It is so frustrating for me, I always do those small things which prevent me from being the lighthouse. After I do them or say them, I regret it, I always chastise myself for not having the foresight, for not learning to shut my mouth. I know I have hindsight though and I can read my H's or any other people's reactions so easily, but the thing is, it does not help me act better. Maybe it does, but it is so slow! Another example was that after our talk on Suday, I had already said my piece, we were talking, and after dinner, I remembered something and started the R talk again. I could have killed myself when I saw the change in his expression. Good thing he decided I guess to grant me a reprieve and pulled himself together, almost visibly, and started acting nice again.

What is wrong with me? Maybe I don't deserve this M after all.