If I were big enough, I'd turn both of you over my lap and spank you for fighting in front of your child! It doesn't matter if it was 10 min or 10 seconds. You have no idea what that does to a child...or both of you would make sure he never witnessed his parents going at each other that way.
From where I sit, the biggest problem is very bad communication! I can't believe how you "assume" she knows certain things. Just like you thought you were laying down a boundary the other night. I said you came off looking like a jerk....and then she actually used that word to describe how she saw it.
So, you have to learn how to say things and how to make sure she know exactly how you inteded it. This takes practice and work. No guessing and no assumptions. The same bad communication showed up in the bill situation.
Now there is one thing that you must get under control along side of learning communication skills, and that is to REFUSE to discuss anything that has be hashed and rehashed by the two of you in the past. When she starts in about the porn and you see it's the same old stuff.....LEAVE IT right then. Hang up the phone, shut the door, turn around and walk off. Don't continue to try to get the last word b/c that is why the argument keeps going. You are not going to convince her that you've stopped with the porn. This is something she's going to hang on to b/c that is her "justification" for everything she's doing now. To say that she believed you had stopped--would mean she would have to give in on some of her issues.....and she doesn't want to do that.
Stop beating that same old horse and let it die.
Yes, she must see you in a different way. Time to tweak.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I might get a 2x4 for this, but it seems a lil cold after what happened.
I would say "Hey wife-name, i took care of the bill. Look, i think we sorta got off on the wrong foot regarding that bill. We should not have argued in front of our son. how about we bury the past and start as good parents for our son?"
just my 2c
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I might get a 2x4 for this, but it seems a lil cold after what happened.
I would say "Hey wife-name, i took care of the bill. Look, i think we sorta got off on the wrong foot regarding that bill. We should not have argued in front of our son. how about we bury the past and start as good parents for our son?"
I'm wondering if I should even write/send the email.
Maybe it is best not to. If you just pay the bill you are saying it with action, not words. This will be more telling than anything you can put in an email.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
"Hey Wife, I took care of the bill. I think we got off on the wrong foot regarding the bill; I also could have taken better care of that bill. We should not have argued in front of Ezra. How about we bury that and start as good parents for him?
Alamo"
My reasoning is I paid the bilk and want to communicate to her that I did, instead of waiting for her to ask.
Man that says to me that she's ambivalent about her decision. That is good. But man, these discussions with your wife are good opportunities to grab and show her what responsible man you are. You can do it.
That's why I'm still with you guys and fighting for her. If it was solely about my improvement/betterment/etc I would not be here. I sent her the short e-mail, but no response yet, nor do I expect one. She did sarcastically asked (by doing a weird but cute facial contortion) if I wouldn't mind picking our son up in an hours time. She took him back to spend time with him before she leaves for her 5-day trip to Colorado tomorrow. I said, no problem.
Thanks for your feedback today, Karma. I was busy at work, while deciding whether to send the email or not.
If I were big enough, I'd turn both of you over my lap and spank you for fighting in front of your child! It doesn't matter if it was 10 min or 10 seconds. You have no idea what that does to a child...or both of you would make sure he never witnessed his parents going at each other that way.
From where I sit, the biggest problem is very bad communication! I can't believe how you "assume" she knows certain things. Just like you thought you were laying down a boundary the other night. I said you came off looking like a jerk....and then she actually used that word to describe how she saw it.
So, you have to learn how to say things and how to make sure she know exactly how you inteded it. This takes practice and work. No guessing and no assumptions. The same bad communication showed up in the bill situation.
Now there is one thing that you must get under control along side of learning communication skills, and that is to REFUSE to discuss anything that has be hashed and rehashed by the two of you in the past. When she starts in about the porn and you see it's the same old stuff.....LEAVE IT right then. Hang up the phone, shut the door, turn around and walk off. Don't continue to try to get the last word b/c that is why the argument keeps going. You are not going to convince her that you've stopped with the porn. This is something she's going to hang on to b/c that is her "justification" for everything she's doing now. To say that she believed you had stopped--would mean she would have to give in on some of her issues.....and she doesn't want to do that.
Stop beating that same old horse and let it die.
Yes, she must see you in a different way. Time to tweak.
Sandi...I NEEDED that. Thank you, as always, for your insightful insight, and well-placed 2x4s or virtual spankings or what have you!
I felt crappy the entire day when I thought about how our son had to watch his mom and dad quarrel like that. I need to put a stop to this kind of behavior from either of us from now on.
You suggested I shut the door, walk away, etc., though I don't want to look like I'm avoiding conflict, because that's something I used to do a lot. I think that I need to stop, leave and/or take a deep breath whenever things like this occur. One thing's for sure -- we DO have terrible communication, so these are some of the things I will thinking real hard about while I tinker my DB/DR game plan tonight.
You suggested I shut the door, walk away, etc., though I don't want to look like I'm avoiding conflict, because that's something I used to do a lot. I think that I need to stop, leave and/or take a deep breath whenever things like this occur. One thing's for sure -- we DO have terrible communication, so these are some of the things I will thinking real hard about while I tinker my DB/DR game plan tonight.
I think with both of these things, less can be more. If she says something you do not like, just stand tall, keep eye contact, and a lack of any words can come across as standing up for yourself, without saying a word.
Same with communication. I wish I would have practiced this more, but I know many women want someone to listen more than anything else. Say less, listen more, communication will improve and there is less of a chance to screw up!
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
