Hello! Thanks to you all for your wisdom and especially to Virginia and Beatrice for really making me think over the past days. I followed everyone's advice and made no contact with H.
Some of what Beatrice and Virginia wrote really resonated with me and gave me plenty of food for thought.
I think when H made contact for my birthday I was totally surprised and I went along to dinner feeling quite cynical. I was really aware of some differences in his behaviour but overall I lacked trust and I don't blame myself on that score. Over the next days I heard more opening up and I responded in an affirming and caring way because H was revealing more of himself than I had heard in months. Although I only responded to his conversation openings I got too involved, too quickly.
The strong, independent, masculine side of me wasn't prepared to open myself to more pain and hurt yet again. I was annoyed that I had given H openings to tell me he was still with ow but he hadn't used them. I was feeling mistrust and my self protection mode was on alert and therefore I justified that I was bringing this situation to a head by asking H what was going on. Retrospectively, of course, I regret my impulsivity.
Originally Posted By: Walking
The first is to understand that men and women are different. I strongly recommend you read or refer to Mars and Venus on a date (there's a web-site and bulletin board for John Gray/Mars Venus stuff as well as the books....
I haven't looked at the website yet but I have read the book and also Why Men Walk and Women Talk (Stosny) which was fantastic.
Originally Posted By: Walking
Its important to remember, that while you might feel as though this is the man you know so well and he knows you and it makes sense to act in your usual up-front way and ask "hey, what the heck is going on" ... your man has been through the wringer and he's not going to jump back into any relationship that doesn't make him FEEL great. Men (in general - and particularly in life transitions - don't want to talk about what's going on; what all they are doing wrong; what the problems are in their live; they just want to FEEL good. [quote=Walking]
Now this ^^^^^^ was a great reminder. I have worked so hard on words of affirmation but didn't follow through because i let my impatience get in the way. I was too busy protecting myself.
[quote=Walking] One thing I've really learned about men over the past 12 months or so is that they don't think about the FOREVER stuff we do. They are content if one day is good, then the next day is good ... it's when all the good days blur into each other and that's where they'll make their place.
And another good reminder of H's position...a day to day proposition
Originally Posted By: Walking
HE's giving you all the hints here that he doesn't know what he wants, but clearly you are one of his options ...
I sincerely didn't get this part before. It didn't enter my mind. I just thought in black and white terms.... he either wants to commit or he doesn't, no grey allowed. I saw the negative side and didn't think of perhaps he hasn't reached a decision. I tend to wonder, Why is he contacting me? I hadn't considered his confusion or indecision........ a significant moment of understanding for me. thank you.
It's getting late and that's about all I can respond atm. I am pretty tired but I did want to pop in and say thanks.
Saw H online but he didn't make contact and then went offline later.
About 15 mins ago he sent a text asking would I like him to cook me dinner or would I prefer to go out. I showed appreciation for his cooking but gave him the option of a change of heart and named a restaurant we could try (he has complained before that I was indecisive so I had an idea ready of a new place nearby). He responded to say he would like to cook although he was happy with the restaurant choice. I thanked him for offering to cook and the time was set.
