I totally wasn't the man my wife wanted to be with just now.
My wife comes to fetch our son, and she asks if I have her Amex card bill, because they have been calling her.
Now this is where it gets tricky -- you discern who did what right. Before my wife left last month, we had this discussion that she will be taking over paying her credit cards and that I won't have to do it anymore. I told her she has bills (I wasn't sure which) in my accounts stack where they normally are, to which she said she won't touch that. Today my wife said she ALSO said back then that I was supposed to take care of those bills of hers. I don't recall her saying that.
Anyway, the bill came in mid-Feb, she left Feb 26 and the due date was March 4. Ever since she left my wife would ask if I have any of her credit card bills, which in my mind I figured she was referring to those in the mail. So far only one has showed up in the mail, and I left that on the counter for her to take.
So today when she found out that her very late Amex bill was still in the finance stack (which I haven't used or sorted since she left; I do it differently now), she blew up. And...
I defended myself. I kept standing by my understanding of how she should've taken care of her bills when she said will start taking care of them, regardless of the bill that was still in the stack. We went back and forth quite a few times -- she said I should've taken care of the bill(s) in the stack and let her know, and I said I never heard her say that, etc, etc. It was a mess.
One time I said "Alright, this conversation is over. Call me or email me what needs to be done. I don't want to do this in front of him (our son)" He was close by the entire time...I think 10 minutes of listening to us arguing.
We come downstairs, and the argument starts again. But this time it evolves:
She starts telling me that I'm so much worse now. I've been nothing but a big jerk like suddenly telling her she needs to pick up our son (see yesterday); she feels like I'm punishing her, being unfair (again referring to yesterday's incident), and using the reason that she left the marriage. That's all she hears from me, and the lying as gotten worse too -- not telling her about the bills, and other things...and that I walk around all smug and acting, like, I didn't do anything wrong...my wife left me...she's wrong. I said I will take care of the Amex bill and pay extra for the possible interest rate hike; I am well aware that credit card payments are important to her. She kept bringing up the past times I screwed up her credit for late payments and she has to suffer for it again. I said I would take care of this bill. My wife then said that I haven't changed -- I didn't even admit that I could've been wrong...not a single "sorry".
And then she says that for someone who's trying to attract her back, I still lie and behave like a jerk. She told me she's not attracted to me anymore and haven't been for a long time. I said when did I lie? When am I a jerk to you? Who's the one coming in the house some days with a negative attitude? ...So that begins another back-and-forth. I said things are different now, and she says she doesn't see me getting over my addiction. I told her she's right -- it'll always be an addiction, but I have equipped myself to keep it away. So my wife says I can't trust you to be honest in telling me if you did go back to it. You even lied about not having any of my bills even though I have specifically asked you for them these past two weeks. ...During our marriage you didn't find me attractive enough (due to the porn), to which I answered that she was always attractive to me. "No you didn't," my wife replied. Then I basically said that until today she does not understand how and what addiction really is. The addiction and my lying was a trap... then she starts carrying our son and tries to grab some bags of clothes she was taking with her, and I tried to help, but she says no way, jerk. And again, I said who's the jerk? You come in this house and expecting you not having to have any consequences for leaving?
She storms through the garage to her car outside saying that I was immature. Then I said -- you guessed it -- who's immature?
By this time she's still struggling with her stuff and our son in her arms, so I opened the car door for her. She said "Ha-ha, you can open the door, I don't care, but you're nothing but a big jerk" That's why I lost attraction for you so long ago. You're still the same person. You act like I'm the bad person for leaving...if people only knew of the things you put me through. Do you remember Dave (our church minister), his sermon, saying that people usually think that the person who left a marriage is the bad one? Well, if only people knew what I went through with you. I put up with you for 6 years.
I told her no one thought, not even the church folks, she was a bad person. I said people know about what happened. I said I know she did live and had to put up with my crap for six years, and I didn't want her to go through that again...we can give each one last chance, because she can always choose to divorce.
Then she drove off.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I completely shattered the conversation, there were plenty of opportunities for me to be mature, remorseful, nice, and/or respectful to her...and I dropped the ball. Oh yes, my wife also said those exact words during our conversation when I finally said I was sorry about the card issue.
I'm not sure how I can recover from this. Not personally, mind you, but with my wife. She said I was acting smug, and all the other things she mentioned -- are these indications that my 180s or goals might need to be rehashed? I thought I was being confident, bold and firm, but my wife sees it as intimidating, prideful and more deceptive. I remember DB/DR said that if the results aren't positive after a certain amount of time, it might need tweaking or a major redo.
