A year ago we agreed that we needed to see a therapist due to our M problems (All we did is focus on who we are raising the kids and not on ourselves) but during one of those sessions she mentioned that she went out with one of her GF one night to discus our sitch. The "friend" and I were in the same grade during grade school and high school (W became friends with after we started dating in high school and ended up rooming with her in college) (W and I were in same grade in high school also) but during this night out the friend told my W that she wouldn't put up with my stuff and she should D me. My stuff? Quick temper with her and kids. Not letting kids be kids out in public. Difference opinion on how to raise kids. I became very negative, closed people out. Never really wanted to go out and do stuff. Stop doing stuff with friends. (Only have one person I would call friend). W and kids were walking on egg shells around me. I was not the same person she married. We had good time, a lot of them, but we could have three weeks of good times followed by one big argument and the three weeks would disappear in her mind. Like they didn't happen. The would frustrate the heck out of me.
She comes from big family and I do not think they talked her into the D but I have read text from them telling her to be strong and that she can do it. W has said that after we talk about R, she gets confused but after talking about it to someone out loud she knows she is making right decision.
She has told me that she is liking the way things are now. There is no tension around the house and she is not dreading coming home having to deal with me and when I have kids she gets a break and has fun. She knows the kids are having fun with me so why change anything?
OM? I don't think so. There was a time when I was suspicious but I did some digging and came up with nothing. The SIL is my brothers wife. She was a grade below me in grade/high school. In high school my W and her didn't get along but that changed when she became a part of my family. I'm not to close with her but have had two talks with her about my W in the last week and she said W is being selfish and needs to make a decision. Says its not fair to me. The business is a place that makes clothes for high school dance teams and color guard and such. It is full of women and the only guys that work there are playing for the other team. Now that doesn't mean she coukd have started an EA with someone I don't know about but I can't help that.
Her friends were in the same class as us in high school. They are all married also and she really didn't have a social life. Everything she did was with the kids and her family. So I guess if she got any encouragement it came from her family. MIL told me FIL tried talking W out of it. Didn't work I guess.
I have ? For you. When it comes to conversation with W on phone. Every night we talk to kids to tell the goodnight. Sometimes we talk other times we just hang up. This is how the convo went tonight. After kids talked to W I heard her say let me talk to dad. I got on phone and she asked what time I was bringing kids home tomorrow. I told her it would be late cause I have plans and she asked what I was doing. I told her about the breakfast with FIL and she wanted to know why he didn't tell her about asking me. I told her I don't know she would have to ask him. she then asked about how kids liked Rango and I took this chance to explain how well D3 did during the movie. This is a deal cause the incident that sparked me getting the boot back in July was we all went and saw Toy Story 3 and D3 got really scared which led to me over reacting and a huge fight. So I told her how the movie was a bit scary and how great the kids did. How they are getting big. I looked at it as chance to talk about an action that I believe she would be surprised to see. My ? Is should I just get off the phone and no talk at all or what. Did I make mistake tonight?
One more thing, if you read my post you will see that before bomb we started going to same restaurant every thursday after kids dance class. We have continued this so far but I told her that I was thinking about stopping it. To me it is fake family time but the kids REALLY like it. I had to miss it 2 weeks ago cause I was sick and kids went nuts. When I told W about stopping it she started to cry and said she liked doing it for kids. I said that we wouldn't be doing it if we D and she wondered why not? Last week it was really hard for me cause W wants nothing to do with me its all about her and kids. That's why I think its fake. Should I stop doing it. It gives me a great chance to show off 180 but not sure its helping my sitch.
Sometimes you have to give up the idea that you are going to manipulate her with your actions. You say she wants nothing to do with you. That might be true. But you share the kids, and they want to keep a relationship with you. So forget her. It's not about her. It's about you and the kids. I see no reason to stop having a special dinner with your kids every chance you can get.
My ? Is should I just get off the phone and no talk at all or what. Did I make mistake tonight?
I don't think it was a mistake to tell her about D3 doing well at the movie.
When your W gets on the phone, sound upbeat but like you're kind of in a hurry to get off the phone. I know this probably sounds like playing games or fake to you, but try to trust us here. You did great in how you answered her questions. You don't get off into details.....keep it brief and a little vague. Don't sound rude or cold, but you have a busy life now with a full calendar. She will want to know what you're doing and who you're doing it with, etc. But, that's not her business now.
As far as continuing the dinner after dance, that's a call you will have to make. It is an opportunity to show your 180's.......especially attitude with the kids in public. OTOH, your W is wanting to eat cake here and keep this little part of "normal" left in the family. If it were me, I'd probably use the opportunity. See how it goes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Had father/son breakfast with FIL this morning. I didn't know what to expect but I went in with the attitude that I was just going to enjoy myself. (Remember FIL hasn't spoke to me during this and has never asked me to do anything before). Sat through mass by myself and met FIL/BIL at the breakfast.
Breakfast was good and the keynote speaker talked about family and faith, which I liked. After it was over I thanked FIL for the kindness and was ready to leave when he pulled me aside and said he wanted to speak to me.
FIL- You love my daughter?
M-Yes
FIL- Then don't quit. I know my daughter, she only focuses on the day and not the future but don't give up. We have all seen your changes and I have seen that she is starting to ease up. Let her know how you feel and don't quit.
There was more to the convo (him telling me that she needs to make decision, its not healthy for kids, that I made mistakes but I am trying and so on) but the above was main point.
I defiantly know that there is nothing I can take away from this to help my sitch but it was still nice to hear. My FIL did not have to ask me to this event and didn't have to talk to me about the sitch but he did and I liked it. He told me that the speech today was about family and I was still his son and that he loved me.
When I got off the phone with W last night she went to her parents house and asked her dad why he didn't tell her about us going? He said cause it didn't have to do with you, its between us and to mind your business!
When I dropped kids off with W today she followed me outside when I was leaving to ask me if I had a good time. I told her I had fun and it was good. She asked some more stuff but I didn't go into details but said I liked it.
When I dropped kids off at home today I told W that I had basketball game tonight and wanted to take all three of my kids to it. It was last game of year and kids having been asking to go for last few weeks. Through out our M I have played in leagues before and if all kids go to games, W would also. She has said in past that she really didn't like to go to games because all she does is chase kids around.
Well I told W I would be at house a half hour before game started to pick kids up. An hour before game time she calls and says that I don't have to pick up kids because she is going to go. I never asked her and never implied that I wanted her to go. Didn't get a chance to talk to her much (cause I was to busy losing) but when I did I was cheerful and laid back. Any chance I got during game to interact with my kids I did. After it was over I walked them to her car, told kids goodnight and thanked all for coming. They left.
I will not read anything into this. There is a million reasons to why she went. She could have been concerned about the kids well being, since I can't watch them while I play but my brother plays on team and his GF was there to watch my 3yr old. W knew this. So I will take it for what it is worth, which is not much for now. Will not call her and will see all of them on Tuesday for our dinner night out
If you can train yourself to take a lot that she does or says at face value and don't always try to find some mysterious meaning behind it, you'll be much better off.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Didn't post this last night cause I was tired after BB game and was watching Fab Five documentary....
My oldest is in first grade. When my wife packs her lunch she sometimes puts little notes in it telling her to have a good day and that she loves and such. Well I had the kids last week and when I packed my daughters lunch on Thursday I decided to put a note in myself. It read "Have a good day at school, don't pick your nose. Love dad". When I picked her up at school that day we both had good laugh about it.
Apparently daughter left the note in her lunch box and decided to write her own note to my W. I didn't know she did this and she wrote to the W telling her not to pick her nose. While I was watching show last night I looked at my phone and noticed a text message. It was from W saying that she saw the note daughter wrote to her and the one I wrote to daughter and that they both laughed about it. I text back "Its sound advice" and before I even put the cell down she text back "Funny". I left it at that.
A text means nothing. It was nice to get it but its no big deal. BUT when I read DT the first time one of my short term goals was to have the W contact me about something other then the kids. I say this because for the last few years the only time W would get hold of me was to ask for something or it involved plans and such. Never to see how things are going with me or just to say hi.
You know saying to yourself "Uh dummy, the text she sent you was about the kids" but I disagree. This was something I did for my D that did not involve W at all and I never even thought about her making a comment about it. When I read her text I had to think what she was talking about. I few this as small baby step. That is all.
Today, I didn't contact her. When I got off of work I went shopping and bought a new pair of jeans and a couple of shirts. I can't remember the last time I bought clothes for my self. W has done my shopping since we were married. I would wear the same thing for years if she hadn't bought me new stuff. I plan on wearing them tomorrow at dance/dinner.
W did call me today and after an hour I called her back. She wanted to know if I was going to dance/dinner tomorrow. On the message she left she said she wanted to talk about it. I just called back and said I was going and that I would see her tomorrow. When I called to tell kids goodnight I didn't wait to see if she wanted to talk, I just hung up. Will see what tomorrow hold.
