Dear FOBD, I have been where you are today, and probably will be again. This pendulum effect is bad.
You're trying to read her mind here FOBD, you do know that?
How do you know she's not saying, " This is inconvienent not to have my stuff around me when I need it." or " I don't want to bother FOBD every time I need something?"
Buddy it's about her remember?
It's just stuff in the end, material things that you can replace, it isn't her regard, her affection or her memories or any of that stuff she's burying under a veener of business-like efficiency so she doesn't hurt so much.
It's ok FOBD.
Look, I got tired of living in limbo with my WAS stuff around me. It was painful to look upon every time I walked by it , dusted it, or moved it. It felt like he was half in and half out to me, and frankly if a man is in my life I want him ALL in.
So, I took the initiative and moved it all to a storage locker. Far as I know the stuff is still in there, but after I turned over the key and rental agreement, it became his problem.
I still want to redo what was once our bedroom. Does it mean I love him any less? No. It just means I can't bear to see that room without him in it, so I need to change it so that image is replaced to reduce my own pain.
FOBD, it's not personal on her part. Really it isn't.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
This is normal, the pull back after having a great time. They need to reassure themselves that you are still Lucifer, and reiterate why they left in the first place.
You want off the ride ?
Then do it....don't talk about it....DO IT....
The reason you are affected so much is...
You are still waaaay too focused on what she does/is doing...
You are still looking for her to validate your feelings and DB efforts.
Look, you did a great job last weekend, the only problem I saw was that you did it because you were looking for a reaction from her instead of doing it because you WANTED to have a great time....
You danced because of her...
You didn't drink, hoping she would notice....
You made one hell of a speech, hoping it would affect her...
You want off the ride ?
Then do those things because it is who you want to be...
Now you have a choice coming up, on how you want to handle the things she wants from the house....
How would you react in the past ?
How are you gonna react in present day ?
Become proactive for you, instead of reactive for her....
I am assuming this is the only serving piece of it's kind in the continental united states?
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She also went on to inform me that she doesn't like the fact that she still has little things still spread throughout the house and other things that still need to be divided up.
So box it up FOBD. Box up what is hers and give it to her. This way next time she calls it's not because she needs something from you. Avoid setting yourself for constant disappointment.
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In other words, "husband, I am not coming back and I want my stuff."
Guessing on your part. Truth is you have no idea.
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I guess she is pulling back
Happens everytime. It happens with your W and it happens with my W. If you know it is coming why does it effect you so much?
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In other words, "husband, I am not coming back and I want my stuff."
More guessing on your part.
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Maybe I DB'ed a bit too much this weekend
No such thing!
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Maybe she thinks now that I have moved on. I didn't wear my wedding ring this weekend. She had to have noticed that.
Maybe! I hate this word. I try not to use it in my post too much but it is hard to avoid. Truth is you have no idea what is going on in her head and as long as you stay stuck trying to figure it out you will continue to hurt.
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Frankly, I don't know what I want now either. I want to save this thing, I really, really do. I still lover her more than anything in this world.
I can relate to this so much FOBD. At this point I would be skeptical is W called me and said let's work it out. I would have to be sure it is the right thing to do. My W has not called since our convo on Friday. It was a rough one for me but I feel so much better with my new position. If you she calls nice, if she doesn't.....nice. I am not pinning my hopes on what she does or fails to do. She wants to go through with the D. That will be her lost. My lost has already happened. I will live and so will you.
BITS, your replies have inspired me. My brother just called and invited me over to help them eat the leftover reception food and watch them open gifts. My mother and I are going to go over and visit with them. I have a choice tonight. Sit here and watch my W pack stuff up or go spend some quality time with family. I have chosen my family over my WAS tonight. She can come and get her stuff later in the week. I just called her to let her know that our meeting tonight is canceled. I got voicemail. Shocking!!! I was polite, but firm that we would have to reschedule.
Tonight, I want to be with my family. I love them and they love me, no questions asked. I will get back on later tonight when I get home.
Thanks, team. I would not be able to make it through this without you!!!
BITS truly never walk alone!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Ok...calm down. ACT AS IF you are on top of your game, it is critical now. Let this equilibrate. And if you don't react, it will equilibrate a little more in your favor.
You ARE a leg up, so don't have a knee-jerk reaction.
Mach 1, I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for the 2x4. You are correct. After I went back and re-examined my actions, I do realize I was doing the right things for the wrong reasons. As always, thanks for your input. I have to take the "keys" to my happiness away from her. No doubt!
2step and dbmod, Thanks for your input also. You are correct. I should box up what is left and get it out of here. That way she will have no reason to contact me. I will work on that tomorrow night.
Team, tonight I made the right choice. I had a wonderful time with my family and it was much better than sitting here watching my w pack stuff up. As expected, she did get pissed at me for rescheduling, but I was polite and direct in my reasoning. Frankly, I think she was pissed because she probably wanted to be at my brother's house also. Her and my new SIL are now best friends. I guess she will get over it. She continues to do this. She will call me, ask me to do something for her. 99% of the time, I comply. But on the rare occasion that I try to adjust the plan or move the date, she gets really upset and starts arguing. She goes from nice to b*tch in about two seconds. I refuse to take the bait, but it is really pretty insulting some times...
My mother confessed something to me tonight that I was very surprised to hear. It turns out that many of my family members were not aware that my w was going to attend the wedding on Saturday. Some of them became upset when she arrived and had to be explained that she was there with my permission. Apparently, there were some that thought her presence was classless and unnecessary. If you remember, I told you that she took a seat at a table with my grandmother and other family members when she arrived at the reception. At that table was an uncle of mine who was also a victim of a WAS around 30 years ago. He was not pleased. At one point, he asked my mother's permission to escort my w to another table. It turns out that my w's cold reception when I tried to greet her "hello" was not very well received or accepted by my family sitting at the table. My uncle stated to my mother that, "she seems to be here with the sole purpose of trying to ruin my nephew's day." My mother calmed him down and the day went off without a hitch. I wish I could find a way to make my w understand that some of her games just might get her into trouble if she doesn't start showing me a little more respect. I promise, the trouble won't come from me as that would go against all the principles of DBing. But, I guess my w doesn't know how close she came to getting herself horribly embarrassed in front of 150 people. Honestly, I am very happy nothing came of it. But, it is nice to know that your family will stand up for you at a moments notice. Thanks, uncle!
Oh well, I will have to face her tomorrow night. I will do the same as always. Smile, help her pack, and let it go at that. Oh what fun tomorrow night will be...
BITS never walk alone!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I will do the same as always. Smile, help her pack, and let it go at that.
Sure you want to do that? Just a thought, but maybe you mix it up. Let her pack on her own. Seem disinterested. Be busy with your own stuff. Like I said, just a thought.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I just got caught up on your sitch and you know what?? YOU ARE AWESOME!!!! And your W knows that, but she's not as far ahead in the journey as you are now. Isn't funny how that all flips over time?
I think you practiced your DB skills well. It certainly inspired me if I ever have another interaction with my STXH and I know I will as he has stuff at my house still too.
Just keep representing the new and improved FOBD every day. She will realize her loss. Will you still have the door open when she does?
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I think all of us LBS want to initially try and fix the problem of the wife leaving. We make changes and do things that we hope will make them come back. Overtime we need to understand that the changes are for us. I am now just at the point where this is starting to sink in. My changes and actions are now for me. I never want to go back to being the person that caused this mess in the first place. Whether my wife wants to come back or not is up to her. You are getting great advise her about needing to stop doing things for her vs just doing them for yourself. You are making great progress, you just need to take it to the next level, you.
